Read Everything That Dunks Must Converge

Read Everything That Dunks Must Converge
by Bryan Harvey

Truth & lies in Pixar's 'The Good Dinosaur'

Truth & lies in Pixar's 'The Good Dinosaur'
by Bryan Harvey

A world of child soldiers & cowboys

A world of child soldiers & cowboys
by Bryan Harvey

To their own devices: Pablo Larrain's 'The Club'

To their own devices: Pablo Larrain's 'The Club'
by Bryan Harvey

Preview of the Spurs-Lakers Game on ABC @ 3:30

January 25, 2009

After the first time these teams met this year, I dubbed Roger Mason, Jr. Snake Eyes.  We're going to broaden that comparison over the course of the season.  A few years ago, Kobe Bryant wanted us to call him Black Mamba because he saw himself as a quick-striking and deadly serpent.  I agree. He is a snake, but I see him as whiny and arrogant and ultimately a failure.  I will always point to the 2004 NBA Finals as my proof that his ego is his Achilles heel.  Kobe plays on the deepest and most talented team in the league, but COBRA always did have more manpower than G.I. Joe and they didn't win anything, which is why Kobe Bryant is Cobra Commander....


ACTING CREDITS:

Kobe Bryant as Cobra Commander: He runs the organization, and when things do not go his way he berates those beneath him.  Nothing is ever his fault.

Andrew Bynum as Destro: Remember when Kobe trashed him on some dude's video in a grocery store parking lot.  I know it's supposed to be behind everyone, and we should let bygones be bygones; but I can't help thinking that young Andrew has done the math and realizes he's not only bigger than a lot of guys in the League but also younger, including Kobe and Pau.  Isn't he secretly plotting his takeover of the Cobra empire?

Pau Gasol as Zartan: After a couple years of trying to do everything himself, Kobe called on Pau and his Dreadnoks to bail him out.  Isn't that just like Cobra Commander?  He tries to pull off the impossible and then has to call in someone else to help him fix it.

Derek Fisher as the Baroness: The Baroness is the head of Cobra Intelligence.  Derek Fisher is the wise sage of this Lakers team.  The Baroness is romantically involved with Destro.  Wasn't Fisher brought in to show some love to the young guys like Bynum because Kobe isn't exactly the loving type.  Also, it only took me 1.8 seconds to transform Derek's gender.

Sasha Vujacic and Vladimir Radmanovic as Tomax and Xamot: Despite their height difference, sometimes I feel like these two guys are identical.  I think it's how they carry themselves more than their actual styles of play.  Both think they're better than they are.  It's obnoxious, and every non-Laker fan hates them.  I don't know anyone who liked Tomx and Xamot's whole "we're superior cause we dress alike" routine on G.I. JOE.

Trevor Ariza, Lamar Odom, Luke Walton, and Jordan Farmar as the Dreadnoks:
The Dreadnoks were stupid but cool.  Each one had something about him that made him stand out, even though they were just Zartan's lackeys.  Either Ariza or Odom has to be Buzzer, the guy with the chainsaw, who does all the dirty work and is capable of taking charge when Zartan isn't around.  Walton and Farmar could be anyone from Copperhead to Crusher to Monkeywrench.  Wikipedia is amazing, isn't it?

D.J. Mbenga, Chris Mihm, Josh Powell, and Sun Yue as Cobra Vipers: Does it really matter if they make it onto the court?  

Phil Jackson as Dr. Mindbender (not seen): I finally realized why he only takes jobs where guys like Jordan, Pippen, Shaq, and Kobe play.  It's not for the rings.  He's stealing their DNA samples, so that he can create the basketball version of Serpentor.


BOTTOM LINE: I'm picking the Spurs to win today, but I wouldn't put too much stock in this game.  The Lakers, just like the last time these teams met, are still not healthy.  The meetings that matter between these two teams will be the ones that happen in May.

GO JOE!  GO SPURS!

3 comments:

Langston said...

How is Kobe any different than Duncan or any other champion in the league? The NBA hasn't been won by a one-man team in a long time. Sure the Cavaliers made it to the finals as a one-man show, but they lost. The Sixers went with Iverson as a one-man show, but they lost. Shaq needed Kobe and then D-Wade. The Celtics needed the three musketeers. The Pistons needed their big four. The Spurs needed the big fundamental and the Admiral to get over the hump, and then they needed Tony and Ginobli to add even more banners. The Rockets needed Clyde and Hakeem. The Bulls needed Michael and Scottie. And now the Lakers need Pau, Bynum and the rest of Cobras minions to win a 15th championship. How is it any different?

January 25, 2009 at 2:42 PM
Teach said...

One could argue that a one-man team has never won the championship. Hakeem didn't have Clyde on his team for the first Houston championship, but he did have Kenny Smith, Sam Cassell, and Robert Horry. I would argue that it isn't any different. Cobra Commander wouldn't be anything without his minions. I just picked Cobra Commander because of the Black Mamba nickname and the egotistical nature the two share.

Every NBA star has needed help winning a championship, but few have gone about getting their help in the way Kobe has. He, Shaq, and Phil had a beautiful thing at the beginning of this decade, but a clash of egos broke it apart. Then Kobe toiled for two years alone, and then pretty much threatened and pouted the Lakers into making moves. I don't blame him. They needed to make the moves. It was just comical to watch because he made all his complaints so public, unlike a lot of the players you mentioned.

He's not different because he needs help. He's different because of how he's handled getting help.

Also, I think deep down he's lonely and just wants to be loved.

January 25, 2009 at 3:26 PM
Langston said...

Thats a fair argument, Kobe handled it the wrong way. But since Phil orchestrated the feud between Shaq and Kobe, how can we be so sure he didn't do his best zen trick and talk Kobe into complaining about his teammates? Its not like Phil was getting any younger and his back wasn't getting any better, he can't coach that much longer. He needed new talent on the Lakers as much as Kobe did.

January 25, 2009 at 4:43 PM

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