ESPN to Air New Dance Show with Pacman Jones as Host

These days, while watching ESPN's Sport Center, Outside the Lines, or any of their NFL shows, one might notice the network's recent promos for their answer to Dancing with the Stars. Reality television is nothing new, and neither are shows where contestants try to rise above the masses and get their lone shot at stardom, which is why ESPN's brain trust has decided to combine the two genres into a show they call Making it Rain.

ESPN's Making it Rain will follow Pac Man Jones around the country as he visits different Gentleman's Clubs to find America's most talented exotic dancers.

When asked how his role as host might affect his chances of being reinstated into the NFL, Jones responded, "That's in Mr. Goodell's hands, so I'm just goin' to do for mine right now. Also, I think this show can only help my image. In the past, I would go into the club wavin' all the money and holdin' my jewels up to the camera. Now, someone else is goin' to toss the money, and ESPN has promised to give me ice that will speak for itself. I'm gonna be very professional and at times more playful. Don't expect me to always be muggin' back. We might even use Monopoly money when we shoot the show, so that people know it's just a game."

Jones then peeled out of the ESPN parking lot, in his SUV, yelling back at the reporters, "Mr. Goodell might even get on an episode or two!"

Still, while Pac Man Jones feels Making it Rain will present him as man who has learned how to behave in a strip club, critics of ESPN's new show feel that the show will undoubtedly cast women in a negative light, as displayed by leading feminist Ani Difranco's argument against the premise of the show: "Do you ever wonder/ when the damage will be done?/ Do you ever feel/ like one times one times one?"

To which a stripper named Candi, who hopes to be on Making it Rain, responded, "What's she talking about? We get paid in ones. Feeling like a one is a good thing. No one brags about being ranked any other number, so, yeah, Ani, I do feel like number one; and, every time I dance, I want to be number one at what I do."

Sean Bratches, ESPN Executive VP of Sales and Marketing, defended the show by saying, "Look, we understand that this show may be controversial, but we feel as a sports network it is our duty to carry on the legacy of a Jackie Robinson or a Roberto Clemente and help America break through barriers of race and poverty. What better way exists for America's white middle class to understand the actions of a Mr. Jones than for Mr. Jones to walk into their living rooms and show their sons and daughters that there is an appropriate way to appreciate the beauty of a nude woman and to giver her the means of bettering her life."

Bratches feels strongly that Making it Rain is much more than an effort to create a So You Think You Can Dance for men, but he does admit that mostly men will be watching, sharing that the show will not just feature cash being dumped on women in g-strings and lingerie. Exotic dancers on the show will compete for money in several competitions, allowing Americans to better appreciate the skills and the struggles that go into being an exotic dancer.

The show promises to feature women bobbing for dollars in buckets of cristalle; catching dollars, with their teeth, while locked in glass cages, with their hands bound; wrestling in petroleum jelly for cash; and catching dollar bills, with their breasts, while swinging from trapeze. Bratches believes that these innovative competitions will keep gentleman's club regulars, like Jermaine Dupri, entertained with events one does not typically see in the club.

When faced with the difficult question of whether or not a show featuring nude dancers is appropriate for all television audiences, Bratches stated, "Parents will not have to worry about their children being exposed to anything inappropriate during daytime hours. We as a responsible network promise to state before each episode that the content of the show may not be suitable for all viewers, so if parents have taught their children to be responsible, then their children will look away on their own. Also, during daytime hours, we blur out all the nipples, butt cracks, and vaginas."

EDITOR'S NOTE: At the time of publication, no ESPN representative was willing to state what winning contestants on Making it Rain will receive or when the show is expected to air.