Has no one in the Atlanta Braves front office seen The Lion King?

All season Simba laid claim to everything the light touches.

Has no one in Atlanta's front office seen The Lion King?

You do not, under any circumstances, send Simba away from the Pride Land!

To exile him is to punish everyone from the lionesses to Rafiki down to the last water buffalo and helpless meerkat.

To exile him is to admit having killed his father. To exile him is to carry out a cover up. To pretend. And pretend some more.

Mufasa staring down at his son from the world beyond.

You thought last season was bad? Last season was simply the stampede. A wild, exciting tumult through the bottom of the canyon.

Wait, that's Turner Field? And it's how old?

But this upcoming season. This upcoming season is when the entire Savanna turns to shit, dries slowly, and petrifies. The green grass won't just die—it will turn gray and tusk like. Elephant graveyard? The hyenas live here. They are cannibalizing the young. They are devouring potential. And what the hell is poor Freddie Freeman to do?

Freddie Freeman pleads with his front office from the batting cages.

Not too long ago I sat with my boss’ husband in his living room. He’s a Phillies fan. He said I fear you guys. You guys have a stacked lineup for years to come. Years have come and gone, and the baobab tree has not been touched, but lit on fire!

Bryan Harvey attempts patience on Twitter @LawnChairBoys.