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Breaking News: Raiders introduce their newest hires.

January 25, 2009

After another grueling season, the Raider Nation is still left clamoring for change. Owner and current G.M. Al Davis, has been apart of the once proud organization for decades. Fully knowing his health is not getting any better, Al Davis has finally decided to replace Bruce Allen with someone other than himself. With the coaching and GM search continuing for almost a month the Raiders are finally ready to announce their hires. At head coach, will be Tom Cable. Cable took the interim job after Lane Kiffin was fired for insubordination and a lack of improvement on the field. Cable led the team to a 4-8 record, helping them to a 5-11 overall record for the year. Although his record isn't anything to celebrate, the way the Raiders ended the season gives enough reason for Raider nation to be optimistic for 2009. A two-game winning streak that turned out to be the final nail in the coffin for former Raider head coach John Gruden's tenure in Tampa Bay. Add onto that a huge win over the division rival Broncos, which helped keep them out of the playoffs and may have helped end former Raider head coach and Al Davis adversary Mike Shannahan's long reign as HC in Denver. While Tom Cable's hiring is no surprise, the pick for G.M. came out of nowhere. Not because Al finally wants to give up the keys to his run-down sports car, but for who he is trusting to take the keys.

The Raiders have shocked the world by hiring an outsider to come in as their general manager. The man hired to succeed Al Davis by Al Davis is none other than world renowned actor Gary Busey. The star of Succubus: Hell Bent attended Pittsburgh State University and then Oklahoma State University, he is not only an accomplished actor but a musician and artist as well. Other than his artistic abilities Busey is well-known for his help as a mentor on Celebrity Rehab. Being a former addict himself, he uses his down-time to help others get control of their lives. He doesn't use traditional or oft-used methods, but he does get results.

During the press conference Al Davis stated "We are really excited about the additions of Tom and Gary to the Silver and Black, Tom did a great job for us and we are confident in his abilities to continue the teams late season success. While Gary will really help get us back to where we belong." Gary added to that statement saying "Do you know what failing stands for? Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth. Do you know what fear stands for? It stands for 'False Evidence Appearing Real.' It's the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives. Do you know what success stands for? Its stands for Succeeding Under Critical Circumstances, Excelling in Sharting Straight. I want to end the era of the cloudy murkiness of negative hypocrisy rain clouds and bring in sunshine and beautiful Hershey covered mountain top elephant kisses."

Here are some other highlights from the press conference:

Jerry McDonald: "How will your work as an actor help you in the daily running of a professional football organization?"

Gary Busey: "It truly is an honor to join Al in his efforts, great things like this only happen for the first time once."

Tim Kawakami: "The draft is quickly approaching, what positions would you like to focus on?"

Gary Busey: "I believe in myself, as I have no doubt. Because the negative energy of doubt is something that will keep the happy moon rain away from my time on this water covered cave glasses. As a wise man once said, doubt stands for debate on understanding bewildersome thoughts"

Tim Kawakami: "Who was the wise man that said that"

Gary Busey: "ME, were you not listening? I just said it ten seconds ago. (Busey than threw a bag of oranges, dog toys, and gum at Kawakami while he juggled his two pet baby squirrels.)

Jerry McDonald: "Whats your outlook on the future of this organization?"

Gary Busey: "Outlooks are for those without a look from the inside of the scope of organizing their minds thoughts to a freedom of negativity. In other words 16-0!"

Busey and Cable also announced the changing of the teams most well-known mantra Commitment to Excellence to Commitment to be free from negative thinking of the minds eye and looking deeper into a world without wins or losses and finding positive growth of the inner core of shampoo bottle socks or CTBFFNTOTMEALDIAWWWOLAFPGOTICOSBS. Fans seem to be really taking a liking to the newest mantra, with t-shirts being printed and about 10 blogs already dedicated to the new phrase. My favorite, Commitment to Positive Growth Shampoo Bottle Socks.

2 comments:

Teach said...

classic...congratulatory lakes ascend soft shimmers in calypso

January 25, 2009 at 8:44 PM
Langston said...

thanks- telling handsome aardvark, never kill shyly

January 25, 2009 at 10:26 PM

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