Tape Proves LeBron James is Human

The white Ford bronco, pictured above, was seen fleeing the LeBron James Skills Academy Monday night. Authorities believe that Nike basketball senior director Lynn Merritt is in the driver's seat and is accompanied by basketball superstar LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The two are believed to be in possession of a video tape that showcases Xavier University's Jordan Crawford dunking with two hands over the 6'9" James.

Key investigator on the case ESPN reporter Skip Bayless gave the following account of the situation, "Well, we knew it was only a matter of time before something like this came to light. LeBron James has been posing as a superstar for way too long, which is why I call him Prince James on my show every morning."

When asked if his negative statements toward James in the past present a bias in the investigation, Bayless defended his investigation, stating, "I have no problem recognizing a king. I don't call Burger King 'Burger Prince,' so I don't think there's any way one can say I'm biased. I just don't believe that Prince James has the right to crown himself. He hasn't won anything, and I don't think he ever will; and this tape will further prove that he is not a deity or a progenitor of divine right. I've never seen a halo. Have you seen a halo? This tape will prove there is no halo."

Bayless then abruptly left the media session, commenting, "I've got to go and speak with Detective Mark Fuhrman about how to handle the pursuit of this Ford Bronco."

Jay Crawford of ESPN compared the confiscation of this tape and the treatment of the tape's creator Ryan Miller to "something out of Slumdog Millionaire." Crawford went on to say that when all is said and done this investigation will spark a bidding war over what appears to be the makings of an Oscar-worthy script. Crawford referenced the award show success of past films like Best Picture winner Slumdog Millionaire and Best Picture nominees The Insider and All the President's Men as proof that whistle-blowing equals high quality film-making. All three films showcase protagonists whose lives are endangered by their willingness to make honesty the best policy.

When asked if he were a true whistle blower, Miller responded, "I'm kind of pissed. I lost my tape," which is a typical response for a man scared that relaying the truth behind a historical cover-up might bring him physical harm, or even death.

Officials expect that Lynn Merritt and LeBron James will eventually give up their flight, citing that with the current economy and James' aspirations to be a billionaire a person just can not drive on forever. Social critic Cornel West backed up this idea, observing, "This story just doesn't have the legs to become a Thelma and Louise style marathon. Also, those being pursued do not possess the same pathos that those two heroines did. I don't think that in our current societal climate anyone will shed tears over the fact that a basketball player got dunked on while playing the only sport in which one can be dunked on. It just ain't happenin', folks."

The greatest fear that Nike and LeBron James seem to have is that the leaking of this tape to ESPN and on the internet will dispel the belief that James, whose team lost in the Eastern Conference Finals this past year, is not perfect, that he is indeed human, a point that Lucinda Williams, James' housekeeper, supports: "I've got plenty of tapes that show LeBron for who he is. Sometimes, when I'm vacuuming, he's in the bathroom brushin' his teeth and flossin', and I pull out my cell phone. I got all sorts of footage of him doin' every day stuff. Hell, the reason I'm vacuuming is cause he tracked mud in the house. He may be the King, but the boy don't walk on air."

It remains to be seen if Jordan Crawford does.