The Iceman Cometh

". . . you'll grab at any lousy excuse to get out of killing your pipe dreams. And yet, as I've told you over and over, it's exactly those damned tomorrow dreams which keep you from making peace with yourself. So you've got to kill them like I did."

--Hickey, Act III, The Iceman Cometh

The above quotation is from Eugene O'Neill's play The Iceman Cometh, and it begs men and women to give up their dreams and their hopes for tomorrow, to live solely for today. The philosophy, in fact, reduces life to the moment and removes the idea that individual lives are headed to something bigger and more meaningful. Taken to its utmost, a life without a future becomes a living death, frozen in a zombie-like existence in which only the Skip Bayless' of the world would thrive.

The Hickey's, Skip Bayless', and stat geeks of the world squeeze perspective as if it were an orange. All they want from the world, life, and their sports is the juice, ignoring the peel, the slices, the pulp, and the seeds. They miss life's layers. They miss the way life reveals itself, and they miss how the devouring of one orange leaves behind the seeds for the next orange. They miss the mythology that makes life worth living.

Painting by Michael Naples

Well, the battle against the pessimistic haters and the analysts who wear lab coats and not their favorite player's jersey is about to take a dramatic turn in favor of the fan who, like the parks and rec soccer player, devours the whole orange.

LCB is pleased to welcome Iceman AD as its newest writer. Skip Bayless will look at Iceman's name and believe the AD simply stands for Athletic Director, but those who laugh through orange peels like teeth know that AD also means "Anno Domini."

In the year of our Lord, Iceman AD is here to deliver the following message:

"What's it matter if the truth is that their favoring breeze has the stink of nickel whiskey on its breath, and their sea is a growler of lager and ale, and their ships are long since looted and scuttled and sunk to the bottom? To hell with the truth! As the history of the world proves, the truth has no bearing on anything. It's irrelevant and immaterial, as the lawyers say. The lie of a pipe dream is what gives life to the whole misbegotten mad lot of us, drunk or sober."

--Larry, Act I, The Iceman Cometh

LCB is looking forward to hearing the Iceman's pipe dreams.

David Stern Bans Skip Bayless from Talking about NBA

After admitting to the use of DHEA, a substance banned by the NBA, on ESPN's show First Take, Skip Bayless received a strong message from NBA commissioner David Stern.

"In light of Mr. Bayless' recent admission to the use of a banned substance, Mr. Bayless will no longer be allowed to discuss the NBA in any media form or media outlet. We thank Bayless for his years spent bashing several of our players, coaches, and overall product."

Skip Bayless responded, "I don't understand this. How does the use of DHEA give me an advantage in broadcasting over say a Woody Paige, who only gets jelly injections in his donuts? I've taken DHEA for years and look at me. At best, I'm the Lord of the Dance. If David Stern wants to ban somebody, he should ban LeBron James. Isn't not shaking hands a sign of PED use and not PDA use? I say ban Prince James, not the Lord of the Dance."

Many physicians believe that DHEA may not enhance athletic performance a great deal, but that the use of DHEA may increase one's delusions of grandeur and overall negativity.

An anonymous NBA player commented on the situation, "Good riddance, that man's hated us for years."

The lifetime suspension for Bayless comes on the heels of a ten game suspension handed out to Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis, for the use of DHEA.

(Skip Bayless' declining testosterone levels)

Tape Proves LeBron James is Human

The white Ford bronco, pictured above, was seen fleeing the LeBron James Skills Academy Monday night. Authorities believe that Nike basketball senior director Lynn Merritt is in the driver's seat and is accompanied by basketball superstar LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The two are believed to be in possession of a video tape that showcases Xavier University's Jordan Crawford dunking with two hands over the 6'9" James.

Key investigator on the case ESPN reporter Skip Bayless gave the following account of the situation, "Well, we knew it was only a matter of time before something like this came to light. LeBron James has been posing as a superstar for way too long, which is why I call him Prince James on my show every morning."

When asked if his negative statements toward James in the past present a bias in the investigation, Bayless defended his investigation, stating, "I have no problem recognizing a king. I don't call Burger King 'Burger Prince,' so I don't think there's any way one can say I'm biased. I just don't believe that Prince James has the right to crown himself. He hasn't won anything, and I don't think he ever will; and this tape will further prove that he is not a deity or a progenitor of divine right. I've never seen a halo. Have you seen a halo? This tape will prove there is no halo."

Bayless then abruptly left the media session, commenting, "I've got to go and speak with Detective Mark Fuhrman about how to handle the pursuit of this Ford Bronco."

Jay Crawford of ESPN compared the confiscation of this tape and the treatment of the tape's creator Ryan Miller to "something out of Slumdog Millionaire." Crawford went on to say that when all is said and done this investigation will spark a bidding war over what appears to be the makings of an Oscar-worthy script. Crawford referenced the award show success of past films like Best Picture winner Slumdog Millionaire and Best Picture nominees The Insider and All the President's Men as proof that whistle-blowing equals high quality film-making. All three films showcase protagonists whose lives are endangered by their willingness to make honesty the best policy.

When asked if he were a true whistle blower, Miller responded, "I'm kind of pissed. I lost my tape," which is a typical response for a man scared that relaying the truth behind a historical cover-up might bring him physical harm, or even death.

Officials expect that Lynn Merritt and LeBron James will eventually give up their flight, citing that with the current economy and James' aspirations to be a billionaire a person just can not drive on forever. Social critic Cornel West backed up this idea, observing, "This story just doesn't have the legs to become a Thelma and Louise style marathon. Also, those being pursued do not possess the same pathos that those two heroines did. I don't think that in our current societal climate anyone will shed tears over the fact that a basketball player got dunked on while playing the only sport in which one can be dunked on. It just ain't happenin', folks."

The greatest fear that Nike and LeBron James seem to have is that the leaking of this tape to ESPN and on the internet will dispel the belief that James, whose team lost in the Eastern Conference Finals this past year, is not perfect, that he is indeed human, a point that Lucinda Williams, James' housekeeper, supports: "I've got plenty of tapes that show LeBron for who he is. Sometimes, when I'm vacuuming, he's in the bathroom brushin' his teeth and flossin', and I pull out my cell phone. I got all sorts of footage of him doin' every day stuff. Hell, the reason I'm vacuuming is cause he tracked mud in the house. He may be the King, but the boy don't walk on air."

It remains to be seen if Jordan Crawford does.