Bill Clinton Set to Liberate Blake Griffin from Clippers

Upon his return from Pyongyang, North Korea to secure the freedom of journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling, former President Bill Clinton made it clear that he embarked on the mission as a humanitarian, not as a partisan favor to President Obama or to avenge the name-calling to which the North Koreans subjected his wife and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and it is in that same humanitarian spirit that the former President made the promise to liberate basketball player Blake Griffin from the LA Clippers.

Ling recalled the experience, "We feared at any moment that we could be sent away to a hard labor camp, and then suddenly we were going to a meeting....We were taken to a location, and when we walked through the doors, we saw... President Bill Clinton.... We were shocked, but we knew... the nightmare... was finally coming to an end." Ling added that she hopes Griffin can experience a similar rescue meeting before he winds up adapting to permanent servitude in the same manner that Chris Kaman has (pictured below).

Griffin already experienced an injury to his shoulder while enduring the Clippers summer work camp, and several people close to Griffin are concerned that the shoulder injury is just the start of the pain and torture the Clippers intend to inflict on the young power forward.

Former Clipper work camp prisoner Elton Brand told reporters, "Blake's got a heavy load to carry; he's a rookie. I was taken prisoner to L.A. with two years of NBA experience, and I still ruptured my Achilles [tendon] trying to lift those penny pinchers out of the mud; and that mud doesn't come off."

Brand's one season away from the Clipper's work camp was marred by injuries, and his Philadelphia teammates noted that a shadow hung over him and his locker.

Fellow Sixer Andre Igoudala described post-Clipper Brand as "a man you don't want to sneak up on cause he'll snap if there's a sudden noise or movement. He doesn't even sleep. His eyes are always open, even on the team plane. Some of our younger guys think we drafted him out of Iraq, Afghanistan, or some other scary as sh!t place."

Brand is not the only victim to have suffered physical and mental trauma at the hands of the Clipper regime. Other notable prisoners to have suffered irreparable damage include Bill Walton, Danny Manning, Ron Harper, and Shaun Livingston.

Livingston, in fact, makes Griffin's mother tremble the most about the experience that lays before her son, stating, "I know they wrecked his knee, but they've wrecked lots of knees. I'm just worried about his stomach. That Livingston boy was 6'7" and only weighed 100 pounds. His basketball card makes him look like one of those two cents a day kids. I don't want my Blake to go through that."

Well, hopefully, Mrs. Griffin will not have to endure any more stress over the imprisonment of her son because former President Bill Clinton is on his way to meet with Clipper leader Mike Dunleavy, Sr (pictured below), the team's coach and general manager.

Other items on Clinton's agenda include securing food rights for Clippers players, which would allow Baron Davis to shave his protest beard, and an end to Clipper vandalism of the Lakers locker room at the Staples Center, which many feel results from a hostility founded on jealousy. Clinton should be well-rehearsed at dealing with such emotions; after all, he did just finish dealing with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.