Fries & Ketchup: The Force of Georgia Football & Other Things Baller

Retribution is a Star Wars film made by UGA wide receiver Christian Conley. I first heard of the film on Clay Travis' site Outkick the Coverage. The film features cameos from prominent figures in the Georgia program, including running back Todd Gurley and head coach Mark Richt. (In fact, Richt's cameo could be interpreted as a strange bit of commentary on how unaware college coaches are of their players' extracurriculars.) Perhaps, though, what the film sells best, beyond Star Wars and Georgia football, is the Classic City itself. Sanford Stadium is the perfect setting for action, the campus is idyllic, and the city streets made me long with nostalgia for sleepy autumn mornings in the breast of the south. Enjoy:


 

Blake Griffin Can Sing; JaVale McGee Can't

Last Saturday, Russ, his brother, a co-worker of mine, and myself went to see the Clippers battle the Wizards at the Phone Booth in DC. It was fun. Blake Griffin put up 26 in the first half and then rested on his laurels as his team looked drastically better than the Wizards. John Wall was fast. He got to the hoop often and quickly, but most of my attention was focused on how a promotional video of Wizards players singing The Supremes' "Baby Love" epitomized the state of their woeful franchise--they didn't know the words or the artist.

I wrote about it over at The Faster Times, but I felt that article left something out and it's the real difference between the likes of JaVale McGee/Andray Blatche and their young counterparts on the Clippers, Blake Griffin/Deandre Jordan. McGee and Blatch are tanks run amuck. They disregard history and tradition at all costs. Hell, McGee would rather play with multiple balls and multiple baskets. But the Clippers big men, as strange as it seems, are more reigned in than the Wizards big men. Think of them as mighty stallions harnessed to a stagecoach, which gives them their purpose. Think of McGee and Blatche as Neanderthals: They are dead ends with no higher calling. And the missing link is a man many of us have forgotten about this season, but a fossil of him was discovered Saturday night, in DC:

At first it was difficult to discern if the creature was indeed homo sapien kaman erectus, but a study of previous sightings confirmed that the confusion was merely him shedding his winter coat:

Dunk of the Week: The 13th Tablet of Blake Griffin

These dunks deserve to be named, labeled, and organized, not by highlight reels, but by poets and griots. Ziggurats need to be erected in their honor, and followers ought to be indoctrinated. Words can not describe, but just watch the Clipper bench and you can see that the sight of Blake Griffin soaring over a Sea of Pain enables his witnesses to fly as well, even if only for a few fleeting moments.

Gilgamesh is Cuneiform for Blake Griffin is a Zombie

For a basketball player to be so decisively inspiring on the court, it is quite precarious when we find that all he can do off of it is drool into the mic, and, if nothing else, Blake Griffin is this juxtaposition of hard silver, uniquely crafted and adorned, serving up spoonfuls of mush and gruel, that is entirely absent of form and substance.

LCBinsider: Unfounded Rumors

-Because of the violent nature of Andre Miller's hit on Blake Griffin (shown below), NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will be suspending the Portland point guard from ever playing in the NFL.  Andre Miller responded, "No one wants to play in that weak ass league anyway.  They wear helmets."

Neanderthal Weight: Blake Griffin Undergoes Season Ending Surgery

Here at the LCB we always knew Blake Griffin was a caveman, and we assumed he was the next link in the evolutionary chain of the power forward position: Bob Pettit begot Karl Malone and Charles Barkley who begot Tim Duncan, KG, and Dirk who all begot Amare. Their footprints led us to Blake Griffin, but now we learn that Griffin will undergo season ending surgery on his broken knee cap, leading one to wonder if Griffin is more Danny Manning or Greg Oden than Karl Malone or Tim Duncan, or, in other words, more Neanderthal than Homo sapien sapien? A dead end. A victim of providence. The prey and not the hunter. Let's hope Blake Griffin's college highlights don't wind up in a museum as mannequins of futility.

Bill Clinton Set to Liberate Blake Griffin from Clippers

Upon his return from Pyongyang, North Korea to secure the freedom of journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling, former President Bill Clinton made it clear that he embarked on the mission as a humanitarian, not as a partisan favor to President Obama or to avenge the name-calling to which the North Koreans subjected his wife and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and it is in that same humanitarian spirit that the former President made the promise to liberate basketball player Blake Griffin from the LA Clippers.

Ling recalled the experience, "We feared at any moment that we could be sent away to a hard labor camp, and then suddenly we were going to a meeting....We were taken to a location, and when we walked through the doors, we saw... President Bill Clinton.... We were shocked, but we knew... the nightmare... was finally coming to an end." Ling added that she hopes Griffin can experience a similar rescue meeting before he winds up adapting to permanent servitude in the same manner that Chris Kaman has (pictured below).

Griffin already experienced an injury to his shoulder while enduring the Clippers summer work camp, and several people close to Griffin are concerned that the shoulder injury is just the start of the pain and torture the Clippers intend to inflict on the young power forward.

Former Clipper work camp prisoner Elton Brand told reporters, "Blake's got a heavy load to carry; he's a rookie. I was taken prisoner to L.A. with two years of NBA experience, and I still ruptured my Achilles [tendon] trying to lift those penny pinchers out of the mud; and that mud doesn't come off."

Brand's one season away from the Clipper's work camp was marred by injuries, and his Philadelphia teammates noted that a shadow hung over him and his locker.

Fellow Sixer Andre Igoudala described post-Clipper Brand as "a man you don't want to sneak up on cause he'll snap if there's a sudden noise or movement. He doesn't even sleep. His eyes are always open, even on the team plane. Some of our younger guys think we drafted him out of Iraq, Afghanistan, or some other scary as sh!t place."

Brand is not the only victim to have suffered physical and mental trauma at the hands of the Clipper regime. Other notable prisoners to have suffered irreparable damage include Bill Walton, Danny Manning, Ron Harper, and Shaun Livingston.

Livingston, in fact, makes Griffin's mother tremble the most about the experience that lays before her son, stating, "I know they wrecked his knee, but they've wrecked lots of knees. I'm just worried about his stomach. That Livingston boy was 6'7" and only weighed 100 pounds. His basketball card makes him look like one of those two cents a day kids. I don't want my Blake to go through that."

Well, hopefully, Mrs. Griffin will not have to endure any more stress over the imprisonment of her son because former President Bill Clinton is on his way to meet with Clipper leader Mike Dunleavy, Sr (pictured below), the team's coach and general manager.

Other items on Clinton's agenda include securing food rights for Clippers players, which would allow Baron Davis to shave his protest beard, and an end to Clipper vandalism of the Lakers locker room at the Staples Center, which many feel results from a hostility founded on jealousy. Clinton should be well-rehearsed at dealing with such emotions; after all, he did just finish dealing with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.

Proof that Blake Griffin is an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

In the previous post, I made this observation. I did not want anyone to think the opinion was unfounded. If you disagree, let me know; but as far as I'm concerned Blake Griffin is just a simple caveman, confused by our modern world of backboards, rims, and nets.