Mark McGwire Apologizes for Insisting World Not Round

Yesterday, Mark McGwire apologized for years of insisting that the world is flat, stating, "Now that I'm retired and have had a chance to travel I realize how foolish I sounded thinking that ships could just fall off the edge of the Earth. If that was true, then what would you have to look at outside a plane window?"

McGwire's long time baseball manager was shocked by McGwire's admission, commenting on the power hitter's revelation, "I never heard anything about him thinking the world was flat. I liked to think of our club house as a representation of the Renaissance, so for McGwire to believe in black magic, witchcraft, and sea monsters just seems ridiculous. I would use the word flabbergasted, but I don't want to seem too out of touch with my players. Anyway, we're glad to have him as a coach next season."

"Mark McGwire is full of crap. He and I used to build wooden ships and put them in glass bottles before every game," expressed an outraged Jose Canseco, a former teammate of McGwire's. Canseco went onto say, "He even told me once that he might have to stop taking steroids because he was afraid his bulging biceps would crush his Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria models."

While McGwire believed the earth to be flat a map, he made like Ferdinand Magellan and circumnavigated the base paths 583 times by way of crushing baseballs over fences, and maybe it was the way those baseballs disappeared over the horizon that made him think lines of morality could be crossed to the roaring sound of applause.