Ryan Braun Eyes Bathsheba

Bill Simmons once described Milwaukee (or maybe all of Wisconsin) as a time warp, that the city's buildings and parking lots were pretty much the set of That '70s Show, and having visited the city a handful of times since reading that article, I can see his point. Despite a few urban retail centers, nestled against the shores of Lake Michigan, the city is, for the most part, still full of the warehouses with their steel beamed ribcages that supplied two coasts, the sweaty hearts that loaded the trucks and the boats, and the fat-bellied beer breath that conquered the cold center of the continent and made America great.

I bring this up because last night's revelation that Milwaukee Brewer, Ryan Braun, tested positive for a PED also feels like a time warp, only not the kind that brings about nostalgia for the working class and classic rock, but rather it is the kind of news that returns the baseball dialogue back to shadowy accusations and calloused calculations about whether dollar bills can drip from a syringe into the bloodstream. With nostalgia, we want to go back and relive the glory, but with what we have here, we will wind up wanting none of it; and because we will want nothing to do with it, this story will most likely fall on deaf ears, disobey Dylan Thomas, and go gently into that good night. Case closed. Another ballplayer gave into temptation and pricked his unblemished legacy.

Mark McGwire Apologizes for Insisting World Not Round

Yesterday, Mark McGwire apologized for years of insisting that the world is flat, stating, "Now that I'm retired and have had a chance to travel I realize how foolish I sounded thinking that ships could just fall off the edge of the Earth. If that was true, then what would you have to look at outside a plane window?"

McGwire's long time baseball manager was shocked by McGwire's admission, commenting on the power hitter's revelation, "I never heard anything about him thinking the world was flat. I liked to think of our club house as a representation of the Renaissance, so for McGwire to believe in black magic, witchcraft, and sea monsters just seems ridiculous. I would use the word flabbergasted, but I don't want to seem too out of touch with my players. Anyway, we're glad to have him as a coach next season."

"Mark McGwire is full of crap. He and I used to build wooden ships and put them in glass bottles before every game," expressed an outraged Jose Canseco, a former teammate of McGwire's. Canseco went onto say, "He even told me once that he might have to stop taking steroids because he was afraid his bulging biceps would crush his Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria models."

While McGwire believed the earth to be flat a map, he made like Ferdinand Magellan and circumnavigated the base paths 583 times by way of crushing baseballs over fences, and maybe it was the way those baseballs disappeared over the horizon that made him think lines of morality could be crossed to the roaring sound of applause.

David Stern Bans Skip Bayless from Talking about NBA

After admitting to the use of DHEA, a substance banned by the NBA, on ESPN's show First Take, Skip Bayless received a strong message from NBA commissioner David Stern.

"In light of Mr. Bayless' recent admission to the use of a banned substance, Mr. Bayless will no longer be allowed to discuss the NBA in any media form or media outlet. We thank Bayless for his years spent bashing several of our players, coaches, and overall product."

Skip Bayless responded, "I don't understand this. How does the use of DHEA give me an advantage in broadcasting over say a Woody Paige, who only gets jelly injections in his donuts? I've taken DHEA for years and look at me. At best, I'm the Lord of the Dance. If David Stern wants to ban somebody, he should ban LeBron James. Isn't not shaking hands a sign of PED use and not PDA use? I say ban Prince James, not the Lord of the Dance."

Many physicians believe that DHEA may not enhance athletic performance a great deal, but that the use of DHEA may increase one's delusions of grandeur and overall negativity.

An anonymous NBA player commented on the situation, "Good riddance, that man's hated us for years."

The lifetime suspension for Bayless comes on the heels of a ten game suspension handed out to Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis, for the use of DHEA.

(Skip Bayless' declining testosterone levels)

When will it end?

So to add onto the A-Roid news, Miguel Tejada is now being charged for lying to congress and faces as much as a year in jail if convicted on the misdemeanor charge of making misrepresentations to Congress. He will likely receive a lighter sentence due to federal guidelines. I've been trying to wrap my head around this fiasco since earlier today, and I have come to two conclusions.

My first conclusion is that it would be prudent of MLB and Bud Selig to release the full list of players that failed the PED tests in 2003. MLB needs to either protect all 104 of the players, or none at all. I understand that Alex Rodriguez's name is the most important name on the list, since he is in arms reach of a host of baseball records. But as Deaner pointed out, a lot of guys used steroids to get over that hump just so they could get a taste of the bigs. So how many clean players were left in the minors due to the rampant steroid abuse in baseball? They weren't playing on the same level due to the amount of drug use in professional baseball. And in turn the clean players that did it the right way, paid the biggest price. They lost out on a chance to reach their childhood dreams of playing in the majors.

My second conclusion is that Bud Selig needs to resign immediately. How long would you expect to remain the boss, when hundreds of your employees are cheating at their jobs and are using illegal drugs? Not long right. Although he won't admit it, he was warned about the steroid abuse and he had the obligation to take the necessary steps to keep America's game as clean as possible. He failed to do that, and more recently he is letting all the players take the fall as he sits idly by acting as if the problem is fixed. He has had blunder after blunder after blunder, and yet he is getting paid as well as anyone in the league. And unlike the rest of the country, he has job security through the next election in 2012. How can we trust this man to clean the sport up? When he is the one who let this happen to our game.

Alex Rodriguez thinks you're an idiot

Yesterday Alex Rodriguez (aka A-Rod aka A-Roid aka A-Fraud aka A-Hole) finally admitted to abusing performance enhancing drugs. He copped to taking it his entire time as a Texas Ranger, from 2001-2003. The time frame seems pretty convenient, since there wasn't a ban on the drugs in Major League Baseball at the time. Plus how is anyone going to know he didn't take them all throughout his time spent as a Mariner? There not, so he told you cheated because everyone else was doing it and the huge contract he received put extra pressure on him to succeed expectations. He also took the time to say sorry. How nice right? After the interview aired, multiple analysts and writers were boasting of A-Rod and how great a person he is because he came clean. But he didn't come clean. Sports Illustrated reporter Selena Roberts uncovered the information, cementing the fact that he didn't come clean but instead was caught with his pants down. Does the MSM even know what coming clean actually means? It means admitting your misdeeds and saying your sorry, before you get caught. Alex Rodriguez isn't sorry he did steroids, he is sorry he got caught.

Do you really think he would have copped to his steroid abuse if this information never saw the light of day? Not a chance. He would have kept selling his story that he did it all the right way, the Rodriguez way. He probably would've written a book detailing his insane workouts and the trials and tribulations he went through to become a hall-of-fame caliber player. And we would all have the doubts in the back of our minds, but in the end we would have believed him. We would have put him on a pedestal for being the savior of the steroid era, and he would have gladly taken all the gifts that come with being a hero to sports fans everywhere. He would have taken in all the praise drained upon him without ever having the conscience to tell us the truth. And that is why Alex Rodriguez thinks you and I are idiots.

In related stories:

Bernie Madoff thinks you're an idiot
Elliot Spitzer thinks you're an idiot
Larry Craig thinks you're an idiot
Roger Clemens thinks you're an idiot
Shawne Merriman thinks you're an idiot
Michael Richards thinks you're an idiot

"Say it Ain't So" : Alex Rodriguez and Steroid Use

I'm done ranting about the subject.  Baseball has died and risen from the dead so many times in my lifetime that I'm running out of archetypes to assign it, but each time its cycle of life and death loses some of its poetry.  The story becomes less the story of a Savior nailed to a diamond of dirt and more of a nagging villain who will not die.   It's hard to argue the goodness of this situation.  MLB, in my mind, has become Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter without a Frodo or a lightning bolt-scarred hero to save it.   

Lord Voldemort has now come to the game by way of a strike in '94, through the tainted home run chase of Sosa and McGuire, the career of Barry Bonds, the rebirth of Roger Clemens' career, and now through the leaked name of Alex Rodriguez.  The story is old.  I'm sick of it.  I'm done.  

The first time we heard about steroids:

The second time we heard about steroids:


The third time we heard about steroids:


The fourth time we heard about steroids:


The fifth time we heard about steroids:


"Say it ain't so
Your drug is a heartbreaker
Say it ain't so
My love is a lifetaker"