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LCBInsider: Unfounded Rumors

February 19, 2010



-Tiger Woods schedules another press conference.  This time to announce that, no, he was never the second coming, nor was he ever his generation's Tzaddik Ha-Dor, which means that he was not the inspiration for Michael Chabon's novel, The Yiddish Policemen's Union, on failed Saviors.  And to all the media who still want to question him on his affairs, yes, he's had sex with many women, in many different positions.

-The Phoenix Suns are so desperate to trade in Amare Stoudamire that they've asked Arizona Senator John McCain to give Cash for Clunkers one more go around.  In order to look more like a maverick, McCain wants to call the program Cash for Jumpers.

-Martin Scorcese is already planning to make a sequel to Shutter Island, starring the Charlotte Bobcats roster.  Larry Brown will be playing the role of Dr. Crawley, after Ben Kingsley refused, saying, "I'd rather starve myself in order to reprise my role as Gandhi than spend an extended period of time in Charlotte, North Carolina with Stephen Jackson."

-Bomani Jones wins the Pullitzer Prize in Literature for his work "Roy Williams unbroken by losing."

-Peyton Manning issues statement saying he will build a Habitat for Humanity House in order to win his free trip to Disney World.  His efforts may or may not involve Ms. Piggy.

-Jim Henson's unread diary reveals that the song "It's Not Easy Being Green" was inspired by John Henson.  Duke fans want to know why not Mike Dunleavy.




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Current Deal- $5 for every letter in your name
Includes one night with Kermit the frog; however, the deal does not include healthcare for the injuries sustained from Ms. Piggy's jealous rage.

8 comments:

Iceman, AD said...

I'm also a fan of the Cash for Dunkers program, which involves Gerald Green.

February 19, 2010 at 11:44 AM
Iceman, AD said...

Teach: Seriously, just give up on UNC this year, they're tearing you apart man. Put down the UNC, put down the UNC. No manner of glowing Roy Williams articles are going to bring them back now.

February 19, 2010 at 12:06 PM
Teach said...

Ice: I just need one more hit. A quick fix. Then I'll be straight.

February 19, 2010 at 4:32 PM
Teach said...

Cash for Dunkers is much better than my Cash for Jumpers.

February 19, 2010 at 4:32 PM
Teach said...

btw, did anyone read Bill Simmons' reaction to Tiger's speech/apology/Viagra endorsement? It was terrible. There were like two good paragraphs in it: the bit about Tiger's Dad and the closing paragraph, but most of it read like Bill is upset that Tiger didn't ask him to write the speech. I don't know what people expected Tiger to do. Two things have always made Tiger interesting...his golf game and the fact that we don't know much about him. We still don't know much about him, and that's the only reason we're interested; but it's not our place to know much about him. I still haven't figured out what we, as the American public, have to gain from Tiger answering "interesting" questions about his personal life to "real" journalists. I guess I just don't get it.

February 19, 2010 at 10:27 PM
Iceman, AD said...

To be quite honest, if I never hear the words "rehab" "sex" "apology" "news report" "whores" "really whorey whores" and "Tiger Woods" in the same sentance again it'll be too soon. I've been listening to NPR all day trying to avoid it, but they still sneak it in too. I'm done with it, I wasn't even upset with him to begin with. So he's a shitty guy, and he treats women poorly? That's on him as a person, I really could give two shits less.

February 19, 2010 at 10:33 PM
Teach said...

After that UNC loss to BC Kermit's words in that song ring even truer...man, this is a horrible basketball season

February 20, 2010 at 2:36 PM
Iceman, AD said...

I have to agree with you Teach. I'm a Duke fan, and we're having a fine season, but still, the college basketball world as a whole is having a down year. Although Stan Yeungling still believes Maryland is a Championship contender. Sad.

February 20, 2010 at 7:21 PM

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