LCBInsider: Unfounded Rumors

-Bill Simmons takes a break from educating under privileged children, feeding the poor, and harboring Libyan refugees with his mighty sportswriting pen to express his disappointment that a once in a lifetime talent like Will Smith only makes movies that make money but fail to challenge the actor or his audience. The art of Simmons' editorial is that it conjures up parallels between the talented actor and the sports guy himself; after all, he has used one of the biggest pulpits a writer can have to analyze Rotten Tomato popularity polls and to reveal the secrets behind the NBA's Trade Machine.

LCBInsider: The Reason for Riggleman's Resignation

When the dust finally settled in the June haze of another humid District of Columbia baseball game, the hometown Washington Nationals not only were 2-1 winners over the visiting Seattle Mariners, but they were also a .500 ball club and winners of ten out of their last eleven ball games. Still, all this success wasn't enough for manager Jim Riggleman, whose Secretariat sized heart cringes at the thought of even one individual not getting what they deserve at the end of the day. Riggleman is a man who believes in hard work coming to fruition, and when hard work proves fruitless, it breaks his Progressive little heart, which is why Washington Nationals' mascot, Teddy Roosevelt, is the heart of Riggleman's resignation.

LCBinsider: Unfounded Rumors

-Because of the violent nature of Andre Miller's hit on Blake Griffin (shown below), NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will be suspending the Portland point guard from ever playing in the NFL.  Andre Miller responded, "No one wants to play in that weak ass league anyway.  They wear helmets."

LCB Insider: Cowboys Head Coaching Search

Below is a list recovered by an unnamed inside source from a trash can outside of the office of owner Jerry Jones this week in Dallas.  By the obvious title, this is a list created by Jones and high ranking Cowboys officials in search for the next head coach for 2011 and beyond.

Some very interesting names on here.  The first two major questions LCB has in presenting this list:

1)  Why is Jim Zorn the first name listed?

2)  Why was this list thrown away?  To hide from public knowledge? Or was the win over the Giants with Jason Garrett enough to win over Jerry?

Let the scuttlebutt begin. As one famous philosopher once said, "Get your popcorn ready".

LCBInsider: Unfounded Rumors

-Reporting from the frontiers of the NBA, Teach spins us a tale of the LeBron James gang over at The Faster Times, painting them as a bunch of cattle rustlers and rapists, or a new generation of heroes.  Left out of the legend are German farmer Dirk Nowitzki's misgivings on The Farmer's Almanac, being tied to the land, and how the wind all of a sudden is blowing east.  Heck, even the grizzly fur trader Amar'e has packed his bags and headed back to New York City, with a rattle snake over his shoulders and a saddle, but no horse, in his hands.  In other words, we've all been to the Pacific and now it's time to come home.  The commemorative coin for the Western Conference's dominance can be purchased for $19.99, but it's worth at least a cool thousand.

- Keeping with a western theme, Shaq apparently wants to join up with Timmy Duncan in order to visit the Bad Lands of South Dakota and study up close the devastating effects of erosion on what was once a mighty terrain, millions of years ago.

-Cavs owner Dan Gilbert blames video games for LeBron James joining Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami, stating, "What can you expect from a generation raised on reset buttons?  And in my mind, this is much worse. like presetting the rosters before starting franchise mode or something."

-Stan Yeungling reports that "The Cavs are still the best team in Cleveland without LeBron," which means maybe the Browns should make James an offer.

-The state of Ohio plans to make LeBron's Akron mansion into a state cemetery, much like the federal government did with Robert E. Lee's Arlington home during and after the Civil War.

-JJ Redick cancels his hour long free agent special, where he planned on reading an epic poem about the trials and tribulations of making a perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich, explaining, "It would just be spitting in the face of all those crying Cleveland fans because I'm not going there either."

Already an Insider?  Sign in below:
Username:
Password:

...or become an LCBinsider today

Half Day Membership - Just go to ESPN.com

Full Day Membership - $19.99
And if you're from Cleveland, we'll ship you a LeBron jersey that's promised to burn longer.

One Year Membership - Sacagawea Coin 
Includes a Cleveland Cavalier NBA Championship ring and a letter from Dan Gilbert.

LCBInsider: Unfounded Rumors

-With the death of legendary coach John Wooden, God holds a press conference that he now has a coach to maximize the basketball talent in heaven.

-After Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Pau Gasol mistakes Kevin Garnett for a pelican drenched in oil.

-Ken Griffey, Jr. takes nap in his own house, missing his at bat in family kickball game.  This missed at bat will probably also cost Griffey his chance at being the greatest kickball player of all-time.  

-MLB commissioner Bud Selig vows that in an effort to avoid future missed calls he will rewatch all six seasons of LOST and the Back to the Future trilogy, stating that time travel will be less detrimental to the game's integrity than mandatory instant replay in the ninth inning.

-Below is a performance by K'Naan of his song "Flag Wavin,'" the official song of the 2010 FIFA World Cup.  This performance took place at LCB Headquarters.


Already an Insider?  Sign in below:
Username:
Password:

...or become an LCBinsider today


One Hour Membership- $5
Includes a collage of past Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Issues  


One Year Membership- $20
Includes a free vacation to the Gulf Coast

The above photo is courtesy of the sports blog Last Row: Not the Front Row.  Check it out.

LCBInsider: Unfounded Rumors

-Tiger Woods schedules another press conference.  This time to announce that, no, he was never the second coming, nor was he ever his generation's Tzaddik Ha-Dor, which means that he was not the inspiration for Michael Chabon's novel, The Yiddish Policemen's Union, on failed Saviors.  And to all the media who still want to question him on his affairs, yes, he's had sex with many women, in many different positions.

LCBInsider: Unfounded Rumors

--The Minnesota Vikings are interested in Phoenix Suns forward Amare Stoudamire.

--The secrets of Matt Leinhart's NFL career will be revealed through a series of flashbacks and flash forwards on the last season of Lost; apparently, Leinhart's character suffers at the hands of a smoke monster that appears to him in the form of Kurt Warner.


--Bilas: Breaks down the late night television turmoil at NBC...it all comes down to chin length.

--Brett Favre will retire in order to audition for American Idol.

--Rick Barry voted in as a starter for this year's All-Star Game.

Already an Insider? Sign in below:

Username:

Password:

...or become an LCBinsider today

Half Day Membership - $333 a year

Includes a bag of pretzels and an autographed Gilbert Arenas gun safe.

Full Day Membership - $10 per hour

Includes a free year's worth of links to ESPN.com.

Monthly Membership

Includes a free movie pass that can only be used on Thursdays and instant access to our Twitter account.