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The Inspiration of Tiger Woods (isn't anything other than what we got in history class)

April 9, 2010

One can't help to think about it.  As the birds and the bees come out into the warming air, one recognizes that the wedding season is upon us.  Pollen coats everything from flowery bedspreads to car hoods, and, while many of us contemplate "for better or for worse," The Masters provides a backdrop of beautiful dogwoods and budding azaleas--the perfect setting for the recitation of vows and eternal swearings of love--but what often goes forgotten in this time of new beginnings is the worker bee, the man who carries the well-being and responsibility of the hive not out of love but out of duty; and that is why this Masters is so special.  Tiger Woods, the most chastened of worker bees, is offering men everywhere a symbol of hope and inspiration.



Men and women around the country, year in and year out, are forced to live a lie because our society forces them to cheat on their husbands and wives in secrecy, but, finally, a man like Tiger Woods, who sits two shots off the lead at the 2010 Masters after two rounds, gives all lechers a role model.  As one anonymous white trash adulterer, named Robbie Gunthall, testified, "Tiger gives me hope, man.  I got one wife, but sometimes she's asleep or busy watchin' my kids; and I got needs.  It ain't my fault.  I just do what a man's got to do, and I'm the one who's got to keep all them secrets.  If she'd let me jus' tell her the truth, I would, and then I might be able to pay my child support in peace."  Mr. Gunthall currently owes the IRS $20,000 and over two years worth of child support to the mothers of his bastard children.

Walter Lee carries his admiration a bit further, "He's my hero.  Nobody else is out there doin' like he does.  He's out there gettin' respect for all us players, who keep our phones on vibrate, change up our passwords every day, and jus' keep doin'.  You know how hard it is to remember a new password every God damn day?  It's some crazy shit."  Walter Lee's wife recently filed for divorce after reading several sexually candid emails between her husband and his mistresses.  She gained access to his email account by continuously typing in song titles and lyrics by her husband's favorite rappers.  She found success through the line: "ImNot4PlayaIJustCrushAlot."  When she told Walter Lee that she cracked his password, he provided the straw man of: "But ain't you impressed that I used such a long password?  It was like I laid down the whole alphabet, baby."  She was not amused, noting that "our four year old knows the damn alphabet."

Men like Walter Lee and Robbie Gunthall feel the duality of relief and exhilaration at watching Tiger Woods overcome all the stereotypes and prejudices that follow the discovery of a man's out of marriage affairs.  As Gunthall points out, "They wanted to act like havin' a lot of sex was gonna make him forget how to swing, but one kind a swingin' ain't got nothin' to do with another.  He's like one of dem ole southern prison movies.  CNN can put 'im in a wooden porta-potty as much as dey want, but he'll come out swingin' and smilin' each time, guaranteed."

Walter Lee summed up the sense of relief, sighing, "Let's jus' say that for our movement's sake we're all glad that Tiger's more Bill Clinton than Mark Sanford, which bodes well when we lobby for Constitutional Amendment that allows successful men, such as myself, to relieve our stress through whatever tramp that buys what we gots to sell."

One can only hope that Tiger Woods can continue to bring honor and pride to a group of worker bees who stay married to their  Queen and her hive because it's the right thing to do, while forgoing their own wants and needs.  Each step Woods takes this weekend follows in the footsteps of men like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, and Franklin D. Roosevelt, so if one chooses to watch, know that all is history, a lesson in focus, or how the human brain exists within the moment, not in one's distractions or personal sins; after all, if we dwelled too long on our own mistakes, how would any of us ever survive such a cruel and vindictive world?  This is not news. If anything, it's what we all were and have been since we first stepped outside of God's green garden and walked ourselves into a life within Amen Corner.

35 comments:

Teach said...

I should have worked it into the original post, but the real inspiring story would have to be Tom Watson.

April 11, 2010 at 1:09 PM
Teach said...

or even Lee Westwood's delayed quest for glory (or finally realizing one's potential after a quest full of exhaustion)

April 11, 2010 at 1:10 PM
Iceman, AD said...

This is the best Tiger Wood's media story within the last year. If I have to a Sportcenter "Roundtable" cover how Tiger is dealing with life hassle _____ again, I'm going to lose it. The guy cheated on his wife with a multitude of whores. Old white people like him even less than before. End of Story.

April 11, 2010 at 2:08 PM
Langston said...

I still can't get over the fact that Tiger compared his comeback to Ben Hogan's. We all know Tigers story. Hogan, the greatest ball striker of all-time almost died, broke his pelvis and collarbone while trying to protect his wife from a head-on collision with a Greyhound bus. What makes it worse for me, is that him and his staff planned out this comparison.

April 11, 2010 at 3:50 PM
Teach said...

Langston maybe you should watch the computerized replay from the Hong Kong news agency's reenactment of that crash with the fire hydrant again.

April 11, 2010 at 3:54 PM
Langston said...

Maybe I should. Is it just me or does it feel like just a matter of time before Westwood blows it?

April 11, 2010 at 4:19 PM
Teach said...

It's not just you. (but it may have to do with the fact he's never one a major and Phil has...our expectations for Westwood are now that he'll come close and that's it)

April 11, 2010 at 5:22 PM
Russ said...

Tiger left a lot of shots out there, but no way he was beating Phil today. I hope we see him before the US Open, no way he will win just playing the majors.

April 11, 2010 at 7:02 PM
Langston said...

It wasn't that long ago that everyone was asking if Phil would ever win one, now he's won four. With Westwood finishing in the top 3 in four different majors over the past three years it's just a matter of time before it happens for him.

April 11, 2010 at 7:03 PM
Teach said...

overall, today i felt did a lot of good for the morale of the other golfers out there. a lot of people tuned into see Tiger and saw that Phil and the others are pretty solid to magnificent in their own right. I hope Westwood breaks through. The majors are better when there's a bit of national rivalry. Also, Russ, I think you're right. Tiger needs to play more than just the majors as long as it's not interfering with whatever rehab schedule he's trying to maintain, whether it's serious rehab or not.

April 11, 2010 at 7:19 PM
Russ said...

Golfers are better now, but with the recent events, nobody is going to be afraid or intimidated to play against Tiger anymore when a major on the line. Both of those combined means he is actually going to have to earn them and beat other golfers with great play instead of being accustomed to players choking or playing poorly in the final round in the past, which will be great for golf.

April 11, 2010 at 8:06 PM
Russ said...

Also, anybody feel like Augusta has become too easy again? I mean -16 is what you see win at some pathetic tournament in Milwaukee.

April 11, 2010 at 8:10 PM
Langston said...

No. I think it all has to do with the Masters being the only major that doesn't switch venues. The players know the best way to play the course, make a plan on how to pull it off, and a handful of guys executed those plans extremely well. And personally, I like watching guys go low. I love the US Open, but watching them struggle with the greased up greens is not as for me as guys chipping in for eagle.

April 11, 2010 at 8:42 PM
Langston said...

That should read *not as fun for me as guys chipping in for eagle.

April 11, 2010 at 8:56 PM
Teach said...

Yeah, I like the fact that players can be rewarded for attacking Augusta with a well-executed plan. If they wanted, they could make it tougher than any US Open course just about, but that would be like having 2 Opens--and what would be the fun in that?

April 11, 2010 at 9:00 PM
Russ said...

Your probably right, the easy conditions were also a big factor to the low scores with no wind and soft greens because of rain/humidity.
Augusta likes the drama and roars of Sunday with shot makers taking risks/reward shots, especially the par 5s on the back, and I like that about that Augusta. That and it officially means spring is here.

April 11, 2010 at 9:42 PM
Langston said...

Yeah, if this was the US Open, Anthony Kim would have had no shot at the green jacket. He started the day seven shots off the lead and going into 17 was just one back. Had he not hit his tee shot wide on 17 or avoided the bunker on 18, he may have completed the greatest comeback in major history. I like that this is a possibility.

April 11, 2010 at 9:43 PM
Russ said...

One issue I have is all of these par 5s are reachable by any decent professional golfer, so there is less drama on the par 5s when everyone is hitting driver-mid iron and going for the green in two is a no-brainer.

April 11, 2010 at 9:50 PM
Iceman, AD said...

In related news, the state of Georgia is going to be short on Penicillin come Flu season due to Tiger's presence there for over a week. That's a lot of VD to cure.

April 11, 2010 at 9:59 PM
Iceman, AD said...

I'm sorry, that last comment was the easy way out. I'm above those kinds of statements.

April 11, 2010 at 9:59 PM
Langston said...

So are you saying they should lengthen it again? Shrink the green? Add more hazards? Because if you lengthen it, your rewarding the big hitters while putting the control guys at a huge disadvantage. If you shrink the green or add more hazards, you make it harder for guys to go low, turning it into a US Open course. The US Open is great, but their quest to make the pros look like hackers is bound to end up making the courses look like putt-putt courses. With every upgrade to the difficulty level, they come one-step closer to adding windmills to the green.

April 11, 2010 at 10:00 PM
Teach said...

Langston: I don't know how Russ feels about it, but I would prefer a windmill, a clown's mouth, and maybe some sort of cheap plaster dinosaur for good measure

April 11, 2010 at 10:04 PM
Langston said...

So you want Augusta turned into Meadows Farms?

April 11, 2010 at 10:10 PM
Teach said...

Oh, yeah, I forgot and on one of the Par 3's that's a little boring an outfield wall, so, yeah, just like Meadows Farms

April 11, 2010 at 10:12 PM
Langston said...

They also have a waterfall with a green on top, an island green, the longest hole in the United States, and a herd of cattle overlooking you on multiple holes. I don't think I need to point out why one is known worldwide and the other is only known to people from the Free Lance Star's area of distribution.

April 11, 2010 at 10:18 PM
Langston said...

I do love that course, but you always love your first.

April 11, 2010 at 10:20 PM
Russ said...

Langston,

Name one person besides maybe a 60 year old Tom Watson who can't hit all par 5's in two. I would say that the set up now benefits longer hitters, because the 13th and 15th doesn't even require you to hit a driver off the tee, which is a big advantage for long hitters who aren't accurate off the tee with the driver. I'm not asking to redesign anything but extending the tees like 30-40 yards on the par 5s. Make them have to hit driver off the tee and be accurate, and still requires a long iron or wood into the green instead of 3 wood/mid iron. Either way it benefits the longer hitters, but my way actually brings in more strategy and more risk for going for the green in 2.

I was at Meadows the other day and at the waterfall hole, I hit a ball that actually bounced off the rocks on the top, bounced off the cart path, and rolled down the tunnel below the waterfall and down into the lake at the bottom. I felt like I was at one of those mini-golf holes where you putt the ball towards a collection of holes that tunnels down to another hole, and you pick the wrong hole and puts you behind a rock or into the water.

April 11, 2010 at 11:30 PM
Iceman, AD said...

In true media fashion, the most commented post of all time is now the Tiger Woods post. Dammit, we fell for the trap fellas, we may as well convene our own roundtable now and be done with it.

April 12, 2010 at 1:18 AM
Langston said...

Russ, I understand what you're saying. But even if you lengthen it, the technology is improving at such a high rate that there is no end in sight to how long these courses would need to be made. If you really want to juice up the course and I don't think they should, the best way to fix this is to shrink the safe landing areas. Maybe you add a pond or deep brush 280 to 300 yards from the box, forcing them to stay away from their drivers off the tee and make it that much harder to be on in two.

Ice: Just checked, and we need 31 to break the record set by Teach's Wire/UNC post and your U of M basketball preview.

April 12, 2010 at 2:19 PM
Teach said...

Langston: Meadows did appear in an edition of SI in the '90s, so don't try and pass it off as just a local star, that course should be hosting a US Open by 2030. We might see professionals take putters and wedges from off some of the tees, and who knows what the bizarro surroundings would draw out of Lefty?

April 12, 2010 at 6:51 PM
Langston said...

I would love to see a pro's reaction to that course. I'm sure Daly, Bubba and Boo would love it and the rest would scoff at it's ridiculous gimmicks.

April 13, 2010 at 12:21 AM
Russ said...

Anybody see Phil at the local Krispy Kreme in Augusta the next morning wearing the green jacket? Even if that isn't the real one, I thought that pretty funny.

April 13, 2010 at 4:40 PM
Russ said...

All we need now is a picture of Tiger the next morning at the local Augusta Perkins.

April 13, 2010 at 4:45 PM
Teach said...

wearing only his boxers

April 13, 2010 at 6:25 PM
Teach said...

or the cover of his driver

April 13, 2010 at 6:25 PM

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