The Inspiration of Tiger Woods (isn't anything other than what we got in history class)

One can't help to think about it.  As the birds and the bees come out into the warming air, one recognizes that the wedding season is upon us.  Pollen coats everything from flowery bedspreads to car hoods, and, while many of us contemplate "for better or for worse," The Masters provides a backdrop of beautiful dogwoods and budding azaleas--the perfect setting for the recitation of vows and eternal swearings of love--but what often goes forgotten in this time of new beginnings is the worker bee, the man who carries the well-being and responsibility of the hive not out of love but out of duty; and that is why this Masters is so special.  Tiger Woods, the most chastened of worker bees, is offering men everywhere a symbol of hope and inspiration.

Men and women around the country, year in and year out, are forced to live a lie because our society forces them to cheat on their husbands and wives in secrecy, but, finally, a man like Tiger Woods, who sits two shots off the lead at the 2010 Masters after two rounds, gives all lechers a role model.  As one anonymous white trash adulterer, named Robbie Gunthall, testified, "Tiger gives me hope, man.  I got one wife, but sometimes she's asleep or busy watchin' my kids; and I got needs.  It ain't my fault.  I just do what a man's got to do, and I'm the one who's got to keep all them secrets.  If she'd let me jus' tell her the truth, I would, and then I might be able to pay my child support in peace."  Mr. Gunthall currently owes the IRS $20,000 and over two years worth of child support to the mothers of his bastard children.

Walter Lee carries his admiration a bit further, "He's my hero.  Nobody else is out there doin' like he does.  He's out there gettin' respect for all us players, who keep our phones on vibrate, change up our passwords every day, and jus' keep doin'.  You know how hard it is to remember a new password every God damn day?  It's some crazy shit."  Walter Lee's wife recently filed for divorce after reading several sexually candid emails between her husband and his mistresses.  She gained access to his email account by continuously typing in song titles and lyrics by her husband's favorite rappers.  She found success through the line: "ImNot4PlayaIJustCrushAlot."  When she told Walter Lee that she cracked his password, he provided the straw man of: "But ain't you impressed that I used such a long password?  It was like I laid down the whole alphabet, baby."  She was not amused, noting that "our four year old knows the damn alphabet."

Men like Walter Lee and Robbie Gunthall feel the duality of relief and exhilaration at watching Tiger Woods overcome all the stereotypes and prejudices that follow the discovery of a man's out of marriage affairs.  As Gunthall points out, "They wanted to act like havin' a lot of sex was gonna make him forget how to swing, but one kind a swingin' ain't got nothin' to do with another.  He's like one of dem ole southern prison movies.  CNN can put 'im in a wooden porta-potty as much as dey want, but he'll come out swingin' and smilin' each time, guaranteed."

Walter Lee summed up the sense of relief, sighing, "Let's jus' say that for our movement's sake we're all glad that Tiger's more Bill Clinton than Mark Sanford, which bodes well when we lobby for Constitutional Amendment that allows successful men, such as myself, to relieve our stress through whatever tramp that buys what we gots to sell."

One can only hope that Tiger Woods can continue to bring honor and pride to a group of worker bees who stay married to their  Queen and her hive because it's the right thing to do, while forgoing their own wants and needs.  Each step Woods takes this weekend follows in the footsteps of men like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, and Franklin D. Roosevelt, so if one chooses to watch, know that all is history, a lesson in focus, or how the human brain exists within the moment, not in one's distractions or personal sins; after all, if we dwelled too long on our own mistakes, how would any of us ever survive such a cruel and vindictive world?  This is not news. If anything, it's what we all were and have been since we first stepped outside of God's green garden and walked ourselves into a life within Amen Corner.