Read Everything That Dunks Must Converge

Read Everything That Dunks Must Converge
by Bryan Harvey

Truth & lies in Pixar's 'The Good Dinosaur'

Truth & lies in Pixar's 'The Good Dinosaur'
by Bryan Harvey

A world of child soldiers & cowboys

A world of child soldiers & cowboys
by Bryan Harvey

To their own devices: Pablo Larrain's 'The Club'

To their own devices: Pablo Larrain's 'The Club'
by Bryan Harvey

2010 NFC North Preview

July 30, 2010

Chicago Bears (7-9 last year)
Psychological Report:  The Chicago Bears fanbase once again finds itself entering the NFL season in a state of acute stress.
 For years, this transient state of arousal revolved around Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton.  One would be named the starter and play poorly, leading to the other being brought in off the bench.  The onset of Rex's unpredictability was offset by Orton's predictability.  The result was traumatic mediocrity, that left Bears' fans "in a daze" as the citizens of Chicago were forced to continually flash back and forward between the two opposite poles of the Rex and Orton paradigm.  In the end, they wanted to forget that the position of quarterback even mattered.  In order to forget, remote controls were thrown, incendiary phone calls were made into talk show radio, and coffee tables were broken in half.  Then, during last year's offseason, Kyle Orton was traded for the much heralded Jay Cutler and Chicagoans believed that recovery would soon be achieved.  They were wrong.

Chicago's fans believed that their state of trauma was a result of outside stimuli, but Jay Cutler's 26 interceptions, after only throwing 18 the previous year with Denver, exhibited that the problem may not rest with the quarterbacks brought into the franchise, but with the franchise itself.

Diagnosis: The acute stress experienced by the Chicago Bears fanbase over their quarterback situation is actually the the manifestation of their own guilt, for having won their only Super Bowl with Jim McMahon as their quarterback.

Treatment: In the short term, Chicago has brought in the expertise of Mike Martz to exorcise the McMahon guilt from Jay Cutler's decision-making.  In terms of long term treatment, the Bears franchise should carefully observe how the Baltimore Ravens handle Joe Flacco, in dealing with their own Trent Dilfer guilt.        

Offensive Rating: Coincidentally, the team's rating is its own mascot, the bear, due to its ability to be a vicious hunter one week and go into complete hibernation the next.

Defensive Rating: Not as impressive as they were millions of years ago, the Bears defense resembles the Appalachian Mountains.  In recent history, they served as a barrier to colonists and explorers, while settling North America, and they can still be used to learn about and appreciate one's cultural heritage today.

Detroit Lions (2-14 last year)
Psychological Report: When a team has managed only two wins over the past two seasons, it is difficult to make any psychological evaluation without pronouncing the patient dead, but the two wins suggest that the patient may only be comatose, therefore, placing the Lions in a state of action potential.  With the electricity of Calvin Johnson and the raw courage of Matthew Stafford, the Lions are currently only a mere impulse, sparking inside of a neuron, hoping to one day travel down an axon, that may one day lead to neurotransmitters leaping across synaptic chasms.  In that way, thoughts might lead to movement, and the Lions might rise out of their hospital bed and cross the chasm between 0-16 to respectability.

Diagnosis: The Detroit Lions are clearly living out the principles of the all-or-none law.  Until outside stimuli reach the franchise's threshold, nothing will happen.  The possibility also remains that as outside stimuli increase and even if they reach the threshold level, nothing will happen.

Treatment: The Lions need to continue to gather nerve endings outside of Johnson and Stafford and be patient as they make good on their spike potential.
Offensive Rating: Much like a game of monkey in the middle everyone knows where the ball is going, resulting in a high turnover rate.

Defensive Rating: Saran wrap only keeps things fresh for so long.

Green Bay Packers (11-5 last year)
Psychological Report: Green Bay Packer fans are almost through with an acute period of accommodation.  All of their past schemas were called into doubt: Brett Favre is the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.  Of course old schemas are only called into doubt when the world presents new patterns for comprehending and categorizing.  More and more, the facts show that Aaron Rodgers is indeed the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.

Diagnosis: If Packer fans continue to embrace Aaron Rodgers, they will continue to experience new levels of maturation and growth.  This is all part of a natural process that needs to be accepted.

Treatment: Take each game a step at a time.  Focus on the successes, without resting on the laurels.  Do not fixate on the old schemas.

Offensive Rating: An elaborate display in knife throwing, especially considering that the focus of the offense is slants over the middle of the field.

Defensive Rating: A land mine that can cause either complete and utter devastation or sit silently, never realizing its purpose

Minnesota Vikings (12-4 last year)
Psychological Report: By focusing too much on Brett Favre's last two NFC championship game performances, Viking fans find themselves as subject B in an experiment on the biological constraints on learning.  Subject A was the Green Bay Packers, who decided that, yes, there are natural boundaries on how much an organism can learn and decided that Brett Favre can not adopt to a state where he does not throw critical interceptions.  However, the Vikings viewed these mistakes merely as regression, citing his Super Bowl runs of the 1990's.  But anyone who watched the Vikings battle the Saints last year also knows that Minnesota's issues went well beyond number four and included: Adrian Peterson's fumbling issues, the offensive line's inability to protect their quarterback, the defensive line's inability to pressure Drew Brees, and Percy Harvin's ongoing headaches.

Diagnosis: This experiment on the biological constraints on learning actually has as much to say on the issue of nurture as it does on nature.  The Vikings, who for so many years fell short of defeating Brett Favre, must, in order to keep hope alive, believe that he is the archetype of a conquering champion, while the rest of their biggest competitors, the Green Bay Packers, must hold to their beliefs that Favre is indeed a traitor and that trait will always manifest through his interceptions.  These are learned schemas, not the schemas that either fanbase was born knowing, and the principle that proves correct will triumph not only in the division but possibly in the conference.

Treatment: Study successful strategies on aging that focus on one's strengths as opposed to the sense of loss that can often accompany what can often be a very negative process.  Timeshares are also a very good investment when one only wants to stay briefly in an area without becoming too attached.

Offensive Rating: Arthritic gunfighter, and it's not just because of Favre's age, but all of the issues that came to rise at the end of last season and in the game against the Saints.

Defensive Rating: Like a sledge hammer, this defense can at times appear sluggish, but when used properly, the results are devastating.

Feel free to add any opinions, predictions, or actual analysis in our comments section.


Russ said...

Pretty easy division to predict IMO barring crazy injuries.

1) Packers 11-5
2) Vikings 10-6
3) Bears 7-9
4) Lions 4-12

Vikings and Packers are interchangeable, but both will make the playoffs. Bears did nothing in the offseason to help Jay Cutler, who I thought was overrated before he dawned a Bears uniform. Mike Martz will do nothing but kill Greg Olson's value as he did Vernon Davis and will get Jay Cutler injured by Week 8.

August 2, 2010 at 4:14 PM
Teach said...

if Favre's announcement today stands, then I feel fairly confident saying Green Bay wins the division and that a window just opened up for the Bears. I'm not saying the Vikings are done, but their offense just took a huge step backwards

August 3, 2010 at 6:06 PM
Russ said...

Who is more believable at this point, Brett Favre or OJ Simpson?

August 3, 2010 at 7:50 PM
Anonymous said...

Did Favre make an announcement? I heard speculation that Favre is retiring, but he personally didn't actually say he's retiring. It shouldn't be believable, but that's because this announcement didn't come directly from Favre or the Vikings organization. What exactly did he do, send a text to somebody that somehow got blown way out of proportion? The last thing I heard was that he's taking his talents to South Beach to play with Brandon Marshall and the Miami Dolphins. But until he schedules a one hour special with ESPN to announce his decision I don't believe anything that's said.

August 3, 2010 at 11:20 PM
Teach said...

text messages to teammates saying "this is it." of course, that text could have been followed by "this is it...toy story 3 was defintitely the best of the trilogy." or "this is it...just finished watching LOST"

August 4, 2010 at 11:06 AM

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