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Read Everything That Dunks Must Converge

Read Everything That Dunks Must Converge
by Bryan Harvey

Truth & lies in Pixar's 'The Good Dinosaur'

Truth & lies in Pixar's 'The Good Dinosaur'
by Bryan Harvey

A world of child soldiers & cowboys

A world of child soldiers & cowboys
by Bryan Harvey

To their own devices: Pablo Larrain's 'The Club'

To their own devices: Pablo Larrain's 'The Club'
by Bryan Harvey
Showing posts with label Minnesota Vikings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Minnesota Vikings. Show all posts

A conversation on the 2015-16 NFC North

September 12, 2015

We're nearing the end of the off season. Previously we've discussed the following divisions: AFC East, NFC East, AFC West, NFC West, AFC South, and NFC South. What  follows from here is a look at the NFC North:

Is that you, Teddy Bridgewater? I hardly recognized you in your state of Kafkaesque turmoil.
Minnesota Vikings

Brett Favre Discusses Why the End of His Streak Isn't a Big Deal

December 17, 2010

When LCB caught up with Brett Favre, he was wearing a pair of crocs and had his arm in a sling. The gray stubble around his cheeks and jaw also suggested he had seen better days. His streak of 297 consecutive regular season starts, 321 games if you count the Playoffs, had just come to an end. He limps. He aches. He grimaces. The man has nothing left to live for, to define him, to give his every day leading up to Sunday meaning.

After the literal snapping of his streak, it feels safe to say that all football's iron man has left in his life is an embarrassing ruling on his texting habits and the grave, which is exactly what LCB asked the gun slinger whose pistol couldn't make it out of its holster to face the New York Giants on Monday night: "What now, Brett?"

A Brett Favre Breakup Letter, Part 11

October 31, 2010

Dear Brett,

You know how if a song played during an important moment of your life--first sleepover, first basketball game, first kiss, losing one's virginity, insert any other significant moment-- you tend to relive that moment whenever you hear the song, no matter when or where you hear it or how much time's gone by, that's what you've become.

No matter how far removed from your time as a Packer we Green Bay fans are, the mentioning of your stupid streak and whether or not you are going to play with a broken ankle, a concussion, a shattered vertebrae, or a tarnished legacy takes all of us back to the days when we used to spend all week holding our collective breath awaiting your decision on whether to suit up or not.  And we hoped to God you always would, your "I think I can play" sounding like a rainbow after a flood.

And, while your body was broken for that streak (and we all sat comfortably in the stands or on our couches), that streak happened in large part because we cheered.  Face it, without us you wouldn't have sacrificed shit.  You needed us, and you know it  And we're tired of you not letting this story come to a a sensible end.

We beat you and your Vikings last weekend, busted your team's hopes and two bones in your ankle, yet you couldn't let the streak end there, where it started.  No, you had to suit up and limp through a game against the Patriots today, wearing that hideous purple and gold, that purple the color of a bruise showing us that our cheeseheads and our painted bellies had nothing to do with your Messiah complex.  You didn't give a damn about our dreams.  You did this all for yourself, maybe some guys in the locker room, but the color of the uniform had nothing to do with it.  And we had nothing to do with it, and you never really cared for what we cared for.

The streak should have ended in Lambeau, your reputation limping naked through the Wisconsin wind in nothing but a pair of crocs.  Clay Matthews should have been the one to bury you. That would have been a decent ending.  That would have been coming around full circle.  But then you've always been terrible at endings, so this abomination of a season must go on, and your name must arrive in our ears like an annoying text message in the middle of the night, begging the question: why did we ever root for you in the first place?  And why can we not enjoy a 9-0 win against the New York Jets without having to be reminded at 4:00 that everything that happens to our current team is somehow related to the shit you do?

Sincerely,
a Packers fan


PS Does Ryan Longwell dress up like you for Halloween?

2010 NFC North Preview

July 30, 2010




Chicago Bears (7-9 last year)
Psychological Report:  The Chicago Bears fanbase once again finds itself entering the NFL season in a state of acute stress.

Vikings Lose to the Saints: Coming in from the Cold

January 26, 2010

Many in Green Bay's front office worried that their secret agent had been left out in the cold too long, that time had turned him from his objectives, that the allure for personal glory had grown more tempting than the role of the goat, no acronym.


When Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy hatched the idea, even they had their doubts about its plausibility for success: "I told Ted the idea was ludicrous, joked about it, and then couldn't shake it. I stayed up all night, and then around three in the morning I started laughing, hysterically laughing. My wife thought I'd lost my mind, but I told her, 'honey, your boy Mike's never seen things so clearl.' The next day I told Ted, 'let's do it.'"

Ted Thomspson backs up McCarthy's story, recalling, "Mike came into the office the next day just giddy. He grabbed a doughnut and started rambling about how we'd have to make it look like all hell broke loose, that Brett hated us, and we hated Brett. I saw where he was going with it, but I thought there's no way we get the whole state of Wisconsin to turn on the immortal Brett Favre. . . and if we did . . . who would buy it?"

Wisconsin bought it. Number four jerseys were used as doormats, buried like time capsules without boxes, and burned in summer bonfires; the snare was laid, and ESPN stepped right smack dab in the middle of it, reporting on everything from text messages to grocery and gas receipts, watching Brett Favre's every move from Lambeau to Mississippi to Minnesota like a hawk. In fact, it was ESPN's persistence in covering the story that made Thompson and McCarthy back off from their original plan.

Initially, according to Thompson, Favre was to be traded immediately to Minnesota, but Thomspson and his co-conspirator worried that ESPN might notice something afoul if Green Bay traded the face of its franchise to a bitter rival, so they devised a more elaborate plot. "We sent his ass to the Jets is what we did," brags McCarthy, displaying a smile that is confident amidst turmoil. "We sent his ass as far from the NFC North as possible, and you know what, it worked damn it--the whole thing worked."

According to Thompson and McCarthy, the change in plans had to be sealed in a manilla envelope and taped underneath a park bench beside Lake Michigan in Milwaukee, where Favre read them, before burning them, ironically, in a neighborhood bonfire of number four jerseys. Then Favre spent a year in exodus with the Jets, dressed in a separate locker room and faked an injury in order to get cut, allowing him to sign with Minnesota and enrage Packer fans everywhere without a shred of suspicion that this whole chain of events was contrived by the two men the public believed him to despise.

Still, as perfect as the plan had gone to date, events during the season caused McCarthy and Thompson to doubt their mole within the Viking franchise's loyalty. "He was supposed to suck," cites Thompson. "The whole reason we had him fake the injury in New York was so it would be more believable when the iron man fell apart in the Metrodome, but Favre kept playing, whooped us twice, and even refused to go out of a game against Carolina when that schmuck of a coach tried to pull him, even though they had a lead. Seriously, it's amazing we had to sabotage that franchise. One would think they'd do it to themselves, letting a mustache with spectacles coach their team."


Thompson takes a deep breath, allowing McCarthy to interject, "We really thought we'd lost him." McCarthy drops his head. "We really did, especially when they rolled over Dallas. He never beat Dallas when wearing green and yellow, so why now? We thought for sure he was playing us. I mean, you lose contact with a guy, and how are you to know what he's thinking?"

Then, in a 28-28 tie against the Saints with a chance to make the Super Bowl, Favre had nothing but open field in front of him. He looked like he was going to plow ahead on an ankle that may or may not have been broken when he pulled up, forgetting that the Super Bowl was only steps away, remembering a much older promise, made to a small franchise in Wisconsin, he heaved the ball across his body, off his back foot, into the hands of the nearest Saint defender, completing his duties as Green Bay's Manchurian Candidate.

"It couldn't have been more perfect," ponders Thompson. "It was better than we ever dreamed it to be. He got all those purple and gold fans to actually believe and hope and . . . well . . . to hurt. We hadn't thought of that. We didn't realize we would break their hearts as well as their dreams, and part of me wonders what that means."


Favre's response to it all: "We'll see what happens. I like it here."

If It Were a Battle of Theme Songs

January 23, 2010

I doubt this one would win the NFC Championship. It's moments like this when the world truly misses the comic genius of Dave Chapelle because this sappy sugar-coated song could only be written by one who serves pancakes after a basketball game and bathes in the healing waters of Lake Minnetonka. Hopefully, the Vikings wear blouses as their jerseys come Sunday because, in short, Prince wrote a terrible fight song to express the Viking love that has hibernated deep down in his assless-chaps-covered-soul--seriously, it sounds like it was written in the days of Fran Tarkenton yore.




In fact, the song from this Tarkenton highlight reel is much more inspirational.

Carolina Defeats Minnesota: Dinner with an EX

December 22, 2009

My Dad first proposed the idea over the phone--the day Favre signed with the Vikings. He said, "You know the Vikings will be at Carolina in December. We could go. We could use your Uncle Sport's tickets."

I was silent.

"It would be neat to see Favre before he retires." Favre will retire.

I was still silent. Then, "I don't want to see that f*cker." My anger and rage resounded as much from what my Dad suggested--that we actually drive five hours to see the man who treated our entire fanbase like an immature high school girlfriend--as they did from the fact that he seemed so willing to rush back into the man's arms, as if the last two years never happened. He didn't even acknowledge that we would be seeing Favre in the wrong uniform. While my friends sent me mocking texts and left incindiary voicemails, wondering aloud whether I would draft Favre for my fantasy team, my father should have been there commiserating with me, not suggesting we make a pilgrimage to view a purple and gold number four.

The call was made at halftime. My father spoke in a voice that was both tired and sad: "It hit me tonight, seeing him in that uniform. I lost it at the start of the game. I was calling him traitor and other things." The Packers trailed the Vikings by a touchdown. My Dad and I were both coming to terms that Favre was not just gone now, but he was a Viking, raiding our shores and raping our memories. Not long into the season we knew that the Vikings would win the NFC North, and, at the midway point, our own team stood at 4-4. Students, specifically Ricky Darson, wearing a Jets Favre jersey, would come into my classroom and yell through the door, "I bet you wish you had Favre back now!"

Me: "No. Not really."

Ricky: "Why Mr. Harvey? He's awesome. He's the best. Greatest all-time."

Me: "Right now, he's not better than Rodgers. We got the best quarterback out of this."

Ricky: "Who's got the better record though, Mr. Harvey? Who's going to the Hall of Fame? What's Rodgers done?"

Me: "We got the better quarterback."

Ricky would leave, and I would ponder 4-4, 5-4, 6-4, 7-4, 8-4, 9-4. Week by week, Aaron Rodgers, Donald Driver, Charles Woodson, and Clay Matthews played with a poise that put the pain of the Favre fiasco on deep ice. We couldn't feel it; it was out of sight and out of mind, locked away in a freezer, out in the garage. When Minnesota was embarrassed by Arizona on Sunday night a few weeks ago, we started rubbing our hands together over the fireplace, thinking maybe it's time to thaw out that slab of beef, cook it, chew it, and swallow it. I made the call.

"Dad, we should go to the game."

The Saturday before we were to travel from Virginia to Charlotte, the east coast was buried in a foot and a half of snow, and my Dad and I wondered if the weather would allow us to travel south for the game. The freezer in the garage where all the hurt from betrayal and foolish hero worship had been stored exploded in a blizzard, scattering snow and ice like ash out of a volcanic crater. People stocked up on canned goods, bread, and milk, barracading themselves in their homes to battle with Jack Frost and the elements. My father and I were left with a choice, to stay put exactly where we were and had been for two years, having never taken an active role in watching our Savior abandon us, or we could travel South, moving forward, saying good bye, carrying a torch.

The dire weather and the journey of a father and son south made the trip to see number four feel like the plot of a Cormac McCarthy book. While the fact that a forty yeard old quarterback made us feel the urgency of the apocalypse, made us as shallow as a Nick Hornby protagonist. This journey was both world changing and easily dismissed. When we got south of Richmond, the snow grew more and more sparse. The apocalypse was melting.

With Julius Peppers constantly in his face and the temperatures hovering below or around freezing, the Vikings looked like warriors from a bygone era, while Steve Smith and Jonathan Stewart looked like weapons of modern warfare. Even the fallout from the supposed Favre-Childress fiasco makes it appear that the bezerker broke loose from his chains and sacked his own king. With Panthers fans taunting the Minnesota supporters with questions like, "Ain't you from Minnesota? Why's it too cold for you in Carolina? Oh, that's right, you play in a dome. GO HOME TO YOUR DOME!!!" it became clear that Brett Favre was not Superman. No one was in awe. Peope talked of Favre in the past tense, turning to their sons and describing plays he'd made a decade ago.

After the game, after the Vikings had been humiliated by a team whose fans taunted the defeated with self-deprecation disguised as cockiness, "Ya'll must not be that good cause we ain't sh!t," my Dad and I walked down the winding gyre that is the ramp from the nosebleed section to the ground at Bank of America Stadium. Before us, two Viking fans wore jerseys: a Brett Favre one and a Fran Tarkleton one. And with the two side by side, it was difficult to state which one was the throwback. Favre is as much a part of yesterday as he is today, and my Dad and I can live with that. Afterall, we have the quarterback of tomorrow, in Aaron Rodgers, and, as of Sunday, it makes much more sense to invest our Packer hate in Ben Roethlisberger and onside kicks that leave too much time on the clock than a legend whose grip on us is as fleeting as a snowstorm.

LCB NFL Picks: Week Eight

November 1, 2009


New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles @ 1:00 on FOX:
Langston: Like Drody, I could go either way on this game. The Eagles have the ability to score at any moment with Desean Jackson. The Giants have a well-balanced offense, with Brandon Jacobs pounding the ball and a whole host of young receivers ready to do damage. Both have capable defenses and both could really use this win. Taking that all into account, along with Westbrook being a game-time decision, I'm going with the Giants. I just can't see a team of this caliber losing three straight. Giants 42, Eagles 35.


Drody: Tough game to pick, this NFC east battle. The Giants have been pushed to the back burner, due to their loss to the undefeated Saints. The Eagles, also are trying to gain some momentum with back to back victories over division foes. I look for this to be a close game, but the Giants pull it out and pull ahead in the divisional race. Giants 24, Eagles 17

Denver Broncos vs. Baltimore Ravens @ 1:00 on CBS:
Langston: When I look at the Broncos and their remarkable start, I can't help but to think of last year's Cardinals. Orton plays the part of Kurt Warner, a QB who should be doing anything else but starting yet continues to surprise teams week after week. Brandon Marshall plays the part of Anquan Boldin, a disgruntled WR having a great year. And then there is me, who plays the part of me, doubting this team week in and out just waiting for them to show their true colors. I don't know if it will happen anytime soon or at all. But like last year I will continue to be skeptical of this team, despite having every reason not to. Ravens 34, Broncos 27.


Drody: The Broncs try to keep rolling, and the Ravens need to keep pace in the division. I think the Ravens win this one at home, and knock off the Broncos for the first time this week. The Ravens D will come out inspired and just destroy Kyle Orton. Sorry Neckbeard, I don't see you having a good game this week. The Ravens win this one soundly, Ravens 28, Broncos 10

Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers @ 4:15 on FOX:
Langston: I thought that I would be fairly indifferent when it came to the "Favre Bowl," but it would be disingenuous of me to claim that I haven't bought into the hype. I cannot wait for this game; for the first Packer defender to get a hit on Favre in Lambeau, to witness the angst of an entire stadium of fans, or for Aaron Rodgers to show Favre in person why they chose to move on. This game should be quite the production and I will be rooting for the Packers to exact a little bit of revenge. However I just don't see them overcoming their beleaguered offensive line and the Vikings rushing attack. Vikings 17, Packers 10.


Drody: Favre bowl, I still hate both these teams. Side note: Doesn't the Favre media attention remind you about the Sarah Palin coverage last election? I mean, the media says they give the people what they want, but who wants to hear about Favre anymore? I don't know anyone who isn't sick of him. Packers win in front of the home crowd. Packers 28, Vikings 14

Atlanta Falcons vs. New Orleans Saints @ 8:30 on ESPN MNF:
Langston: If the Broncos are the 2009 Arizona Cardinals reincarnated, the Saints are the '99 Rams. They look unbeatable, they score a ton, and the defense makes opposing teams pay for their mistakes. I like them to keep it rolling on Monday Night, in their effort to give New Orleans hope for the fourth year in a row.

Drody: I forsee the Saints continuing their dominance of the NFL in this game. They just seem unstoppable right now. I think the Saints O just keeps roling, and their defense to play well enough to win. I'm also not that high on the Falcons right now. The Saints lengthen their division lead with a win on Monday night. Saints 35, Falcons 17

Ryan Longwell's Revenge: Vikings 30 Packers 23

October 6, 2009


What goes through a kicker's mind as he lines up to play against the team that first gave him a shot in this League? Does he think about how they nurtured him as a rookie and doesn't follow through on what should be a normal chip shot, or does he come out of the game's warmups with the tenacity of a field goal kicking mercenary? These questions were in the air Monday night as Ryan Longwell took the field against his old team, the Green Bay Packers.

And the answer everyone received was that Ryan Longwell is the Ghengis Khan of place kickers; a trail of blood could be followed from the hash marks on the field to the infamous number eight's locker and on out to the souped up moped he rages to work on every morning.

When asked if the great Mongol place kicker's intimidating presence affected his in game decisions, Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy responded, "Look, anyone who knows anything about the NFL knows that on any given night number eight can pull some magic out of that old leg. It's what he does. We went for that fourth and goal because it was the right thing to do, not because we were afraid to get into a kicking duel with the freakin' Minnesota Vikings."

Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers stood by Longwell's replacement Mason Crosby, saying, "We all support Mason. He's our guy. I mean, he made what two extra points and a field goal tonight. I think he's proved that he's more than capable of replacing a legend like Longwell."

Many in the associated press felt that Rodgers specifically pointed out that Crosby accounted for five of the Packers' points, or, in other words, one more point than the place kicking berserker Ryan Longwell.

When pressed to compare his young kicker to Longwell, McCarthy bluntly stated, "Mason's our guy. He's going to take us where we need to go. Ryan's just got a better holder right now, that's all." Many believe that Longwell's having a better holder is the equivalent of a quarterback playing with a great running back and behind a stellar offensive line--it just makes everything easier.

Still, Viking quarterback Brett Favre appreciated Longwell's turning back the clock to a day when the kicker mesmerized people with his kickoffs and extra points, pontificating deeply on the matter, "Ryan's a good guy. Without him, the final score would have been us 26 them 23. I don't know, maybe I could have gone out there and hit a couple extra points. So without Ryan, maybe it's 28 to 23 at worst."

What is for certain is that there are people in Wisconsin tonight, burning their number eight jerseys.

The Making of a Monster: The Brett Favre Story

October 5, 2009

It will happen Monday night. A man, ravaged by the elements and his guilty conscience, will sprint across a plane of ice, desperate for survival, wishing he could turn back the clock before the gears of his imagination created the monster that now hunts him. And, then, the beast that stalks him will appear; a desecration against the sanctity of life, relentlessly chasing his creator, his tormentor, until the ends of the Earth. The scene will take place in the Metrodome, but it's lifted from a Mary Shelley novel, as familiar as Adam's fall from grace, as painful as Prometheus' imprisonment, and taught to indifferent high schoolers everywhere.

Brett Favre was one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play (I always slated him just after Montana and Elway), and, at times, he still appears to be one of the better quarterbacks in the game today. His sixteen years with the Packers marked him as not only the franchise's best player but as its most beloved figure--he was the favorite son, taken out of a reed basket in Atlanta and blessed as a prince in the palace of the pharaohs. This analogy is more than just figurative language. Brett Favre led Green Bay fans from being the lower class laughing stocks of the NFL to the Promised Land. He allowed fans of a small market team that was on the brink of ambivalence, after years of losing, to once again embody the dream of being at the center of the NFL universe. His success as a gunslinger was an attack against the NFL establishment, but because Green Bay had a long forgotten history of winning championships, going back to the days of Lombardi, the Favre era felt more like the reawakening of a sleeping king in Camelot, or Christ's return in Revelations--more than simple punk rock rebellion, Favre gave Green Bay spiritual redemption.

When one understands that we Green Bay fans viewed Favre as more than just an All-Pro quarterback or another face of the franchise, then one begins to understand just how strange and haunting this Monday night will be. When Ron Wolf began constructing the Green Bay team of the 1990's that would eventually win a Super Bowl and be on par with the great Niners and Cowboys teams of that decade, he built the team from spare body parts that could only be found buried underneath tombstones and six feet of earth. He dug Reggie White up from underneath the turf at Veterans Stadium, put him in a wheelbarrow, and pushed him in the night all the way from Philly to Wisconsin. Dorsey Levens' corpse was waiting to be cremated when Ron Wolf selected it, in the fifth round of the draft, from a mass grave of unknown talent, and the same can be said of the corpses belonging to LeRoy Butler and Antonio Freeman. Other than Favre, White, and maybe Butler, the Green Bay team that restored life to Lambeau Field was a collection of spare parts and shrewd draft choices that featured very few future Hall of Famers and was driven mostly by the risky decision-making of a Mississippi quarterback, who was handpicked by Wolf from the Atlanta Falcons bench, like Igor selecting a brain from off a laboratory shelf.


For sixteen years, Packer fans believed that Igor had brought us the brain of a genius. When in actuality, Igor brought us the specimen located in the "Abnormal" jar. Favre was always a quarterback who played on impulse and instinct. His play reflected raw human emotion and a basic drive to do whatever one needed to survive. His fourth quarter comebacks and consecutive games streak were the most basic operations of the human mind, not the works of finely tuned analytical processes. Watching Favre was as exhilarating as watching a lion take down a gazelle. The blood and gore of the visual image told the story, as opposed to the mathematical equations and theories of physics that go on during a Peyton Manning audible. Favre spoke to our primal needs and our memories of plays drawn up in the dirt that were really the shadows of cave paintings, depicting mankind's urges to hunt and kill. Favre was always a caveman, chucking his spear from any available angle, in order to slay the wooly mammoth. In other words, Favre's actions were deeply rooted in the evolutionary steps of all humanity.

The fact that Favre always made more plays by using his brain stem and cerebellum than his frontal lobe always meant two things would have to happen. First, the Packers were always at risk of over hunting, meaning Favre at any moment might get too greedy and throw an ill-advised pass in overtime or some other key moment of the game. Favre critics and haters of the Packers always pointed to these mistakes as reasons that should have caused Packer fans to hesitate at hoisting Favre up on a cross, but, instead, Packer fans accepted these lapses in judgement because we saw these mistakes as testaments to just how human Brett Favre was. These mistakes made him appear to be like us, and we drew inspiration from the fact that no matter how many interceptions he threw he would still come back and throw touchdowns. His stubbornness is what invented the wheel, discovered fire, and allowed humanity to develop skills beyond eating, breathing, and a need for shelter. Secondly, Favre's constant insistence that he was indeed just another human should have forewarned us that one day he would break our hearts, in a way that would make us numb to the fact that all he wanted to continue doing was to throw a pigskin around every Sunday. To understand the Favre with Jet green skin and purple stitches, one first has to recognize that all of his egotistical waffling for attention the last two years was born out of a passion for football.

In all the anger and rage I've directed Brett Favre's way over the last two years, I have never been able to shake the fact that he did not reject us first. Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy are the ones that told Favre he would have to try out for a starting spot because, from their vantage points, Aaron Rodgers was ready. I believe they made the right choice. Aaron Rodgers was ready, and, the longer Thompson and McCarthy waited to give their quarterback of the future a chance, the more likely that future would take place somewhere other than Green Bay. Still, it was Thompson and McCarthy who "saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open" and "rushed out of the room," and that moment matters because it was that moment that showed Brett Favre that this world requires more than passion but an understanding of pragmatism and mortality. Thompson and McCarthy came to the conclusion that while Favre may still cry in press conferences over his love for the game his usefulness in the game had come and gone. Humanity never deals well with fate because it is out of our control and takes everything we hold dear from us, including the careers that define us. Thompson and McCarthy stripped Favre of his definition and, therefore, his usefulness, leaving him to deal with emotions he never knew himself capable of feeling, and the result was not beautiful to behold.

Before Brett Favre became the featured story on ESPN and the bane of football fans everywhere, he was the sports world's every man. He achieved great individual success, but he always seemed to enjoy every single one of his teammates, by running into their arms after a big reception, or carrying them, literally, on his shoulders. Juxtapose this image of a boy in his backyard with the merciless assassin that was Michael Jordan and how Jordan only seemed to openly appreciate Scottie Pippen and Charles Oakley, and one sees that Favre was always the more approachable Savior, even though both were forced to live out their personal pain within the public arena. He had more visible passion than Tim Duncan, his passion was less abrasive than Roger Clemens', his achievements appeared less corrupt than Barry Bonds', and his talents never came off as the by products of the people around him, a la a Steve Young or a Troy Aikman. He was an athlete that all of us wanted to be because his humanity was always visible, or, at least, the traits we admire were always visible: courage, passion, durability, and wit. However, given enough time in the spotlight, Favre began to show us less enviable human characteristics; the ones we are ashamed to admit we also possess, like jealousy, uncertainty, anger, and fear.

Favre never had a silver spoon in his mouth. One can point to times early in his career when he was a bit reckless and immature, but he never appeared to be a spoiled brat or above the system until recently, so how did he go from the sports world's everyman to a prima donna punch line in a Chad Ocho Cinco tweet? His beginnings were modest; he was born in Mississippi to a football coach. He did not attend a top flight football program in college, but went to Southern Miss. He was drafted in the second round by a floundering franchise--the Atlanta Falcons--where he rode the bench. Then, he landed in Green Bay, like a shock of electricity into cold, dead flesh, resuscitating life, and "Go! Pack! Go!" chants began to sound like Boris Karloff's "It's aliiiiiiiive!!!" Brett Favre and the Packers fanbase came alive simultaneously, in a way that can only be understood through analyzing the relationship between the Creator and His creation. In other words, how does man even exist without God, and what is God without man? It would appear that each gains their importance from the other's existence. Green Bay and Brett Favre each mattered because they appeared to be codependent on one another.

While Favre resurrected the Packer franchise, Packer fans simultaneously placed him and ourselves on a pedestal. We even had the gall to believe that we were the only franchise smart enough to recognize his talents, convincing ourselves through myth and propaganda that without us Favre's talents would never have risen to the surface, that without Green Bay he'd still be on the bench in Atlanta or sitting in some deer stand drunk. He was our Creation, and we were playing God. As he carried us to victory on the field, we thought to ourselves, "I succeeded in discovering the cause of generation and life...I became myself capable of bestowing animation upon lifeless matter." The nature by which Brett Favre came to the Packers made us pretentious as a scientist who attempts to defy mortality, but it also made him more dear to us (and us to him) than any other player because we saved him from nonexistence.

Humans do not just act; they act within a context. In one of Shakespeare's many tragedies, Iago makes Othello into a killer by playing on his human emotions. Anything that breathes and thinks as a human can fall prey to the emotions that transform a man into a murdering monster. Dr. Frankenstein, upon seeing the creature that he tried so hard to make beautiful was actually a hideous beast, notes, "The different accidents of life are not so changeable as the feelings of human nature," or, in other words, our emotions are as unstable as the seas. They are at peace one moment and raging like a hurricane in the next. Dr. Frankenstein's creature is beloved for a second, and, then, in the blink of an eye fearfully hated. Frankensteins's monster never recovers from the rejection he receives at the hands of his Creator, and neither did Brett Favre when Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy told him that he no longer was guaranteed a starting spot.

The moment Dr. Frankenstein rejects his creation, the two are sent into a downward spiral, where beauty and love no longer exist. This spiral eventually leads them onto the Arctic's frozen tundra, as they chase one another into oblivion. Dr. Frankenstein can be faulted for having the ego to play God, as well as ducking the responsibilities that come with creating life. Shelley uses his character as an indictment of both science and God; science should not be used by man to usurp God, and any entity that occupies the role of God behaves unjustly when it exacts judgement on a creature for the characteristics possessed by that Creature that are out of the Creature's control. The Creature can be faulted only for so desperately wanting to be loved, which is what makes Brett Favre so perplexing. Does Brett just love football this much that he can't let it go? Or does he just need the attention? Or is he driven strictly by vengeance now? What purpose now drives him?

The answer doesn't really matter at this point. He is already the walking dead, and it remains clear that Brett Favre never thought the Green Bay franchise would turn its back on him. But it did. And the Green Bay franchise never once thought that he would hunt them to the ends of the Earth. But, now, here we are on Monday Night Football: "...the miserable monster whom [we] created...and his miserable eyes, if eyes they may be called...fixed on [us]." He is back to lay judgment on those who judged him first. And the only thing between us and those wretched eyes is Aaron Rodgers, a quarterback that all of us Packer fans are too worn out and scared to love, yet he is the only person capable of resurrecting the faith of a franchise....

Have we not been here before?

Ricky Rubio and the Homeless Viking Mystery

August 22, 2009

Bethlehem Shoals brought this story in the Pioneer Press to my attention, over on The Baseline. Essentially, the Pioneer Press reports that Favre coming to training camp late for the Minnesota Vikings gives the Minnesota Timberwolves hope that Ricky Rubio can also report to camp late, which brings us to where we left off last with Frank and Joe Hardy:

As soon as Fenton Hardy (Kurt Rambis) arrived in Minnesota, he met Frank Hardy (Al Jefferson) and Chet Morton (Kevin Love) at the local police station. The presence of Frank's dad, a world class super sleuth, gave credence to Frank's theory that his brother Joe (Ricky Rubio) was kidnapped in the eyes of the local police chief (David Kahn).

"Okay, Mr. Hardy, I'll send some of my best men over to that Spanish galleon and have them investigate the premises," said the police chief as he shook Mr. Hardy's hand.

"Oh, don't worry about it, sir. While Chet caught his breath, I dusted the whole galleon for finger prints with my junior detective kit. It only took a few seconds," chimed in the dark-haired Frank.

Fenton Hardy looked at his son proudly, "Very well, son, show us what you found." Frank pulled out the prints he'd taken off the old wooden ship and followed the chief into the police laboratory, where they examined the prints.

"If I'm not mistaken, the way these prints are worn shows that the person who left them tends to carry some sort of ax," Mr. Hardy hypothesized.

The police chief added, "Well, that sure doesn't tell us much. This is lumberjack country up here. Everyone's used to carryin' an ax."

"Frank," interjected Chet, "tell 'em about the homeless viking (Brett Favre) we saw sneaking through the woods."

"You saw a viking?" asked Frank.

"Yeah, while you were dusting for prints, this viking staggered through the woods dragging something heavy behind him," Chet explained.

"I bet he was dragging Joe!" blurted Frank. "We've got to go back in those woods. I just know it."

"Hold on. Now, Frank, we can't just march off into those woods based on the fact that Chet saw a homeless viking dragging something through the underbrush," Mr. Hardy said sternly. "The people that live up here love their football and their heritage. We can't go investigating everyone who wears a horned helmet, no matter how badly we all want to find Joe."

Frank nodded, but he knew the viking had his brother somewhere in those woods. He just knew it, and he was already planning on investigating the situation that very night.

A Brett Favre Breakup Letter, Part 10 (Favre Signs with Minnesota)

August 19, 2009

Dear Brett,











Sincerely,
a Packers fan


2009 NFC North Division Preview

August 14, 2009

In the past, we broke down every team in detail before the start of the season, but this year we decided to view each division as a dysfunctional American family and base our predictions off their family trees.

Family Portrait:

Place of Residence:
The house is enclosed by a traditional white picket fence and sits at the end of a cul de sac. The kids can walk to the local elementary school and library, and the best waffle cone and two scoops of ice cream a person ever had, for fifty cents, are just a few blocks away. When one comes home from work, the dog waits by the mailbox and the wife waits at the front door with an after work cigar and martini in hand. Life appears perfect, but these are Mad Men.

Brad Childress just ended a torrid affair by paying for the woman to have an abortion. The woman just happened to be his brother Ted Thompson's ex-wife. Childress began seeing Thompson's ex-wife out of jealousy that Thompson got all of the Lombardi genes. Thompson's a real go-getter, but secretly, he's depressed and wears women's panty hose under his business suits.

The family's favorite uncle, Lovie Smith, can't help but try and save people from themselves; his most recent project is rescuing Jay Cutler from his own off-putting ego. In an effort to help Jay, he's made Jay the floor manager at one of his electronic stores, but the pressures of selling the first home microwave oven are causing Jay to contemplate using amphetamines again. He tends to down them with alcohol.

While the whole family gathers at the table, poor Matthew Stafford goes missing without anyone noticing. He appears to have a lot of his Uncle Barry in him; he works real hard for nothing. The family leaves him out in the garage for days at a time, even on Thanksgiving, while he tries to build the contraptions of his favorite television show Lost in Space. The rest of the family finds him a tad bit queer, but no one says anything--it's better that way.

Vacation Spot:
Forced to feel a strong connection with their past because of its superiority to the present, the NFC North always vacations with the grandparents along the shorelines of Lake Michigan, hoping that the winds off the lake will bring back better, more glorious days.

Favorite Pastime:
When snow covers the ground, the boys go out in the backyard and play football for hours, until they turn blue, while Mom and Pop sip cider. Of course, both Mom and Pop sneak off to spike their cups of cider with their own hidden stashes of booze; neither one realizes that the other one is drunk because they're too busy trying not to appear inebriated themselves. While in the garage, Matthew Stafford shows his friend Kevin Smith the rocket pack he built--it fails to fly.

Teach's Prediction:
Three of the division's teams could easily win it. Detroit is the only one not capable of winning it, but they offer an intriguing story line because they are coming off an 0-16 season and have a rookie quarterback. Detroit fans will take almost any sparks as signs that things are improving.

Minnesota flirted with a solution to their only glaring weakness, but he wound up walking off into the sunset. Now, the team's fate once again falls on the shoulders of Adrian Peterson and their defense, which could begin to show signs of wear and tear.

Chicago added Jay Cutler, but they didn't add anyone to catch the ball. Still, Cutler could benefit from a more consistent ground attack, led by Matt Forte, than he had in Denver. The Bears defense reminds me of Minnesota's because one wonders if their most dominant days are behind them.

The team with the most all-around talent in the division is the Green Bay Packers, but one could also say that last year. The addition of Dom Capers as defensive coordinator should solidify the talent on defense. This fact, coupled with Aaron Rodgers' development, should win the Packers their second NFC North title in three years.

Langston's Prediction:
If the NFC North was the cast of characters from Mad Men, then the Vikings would be Don Draper. They can have any woman in the room, they can sell bubble gum to the lock-jaw ward at bellvue, and they are as dapper as a man can get. Yet, they have their issues; they cheat on their wife, they lie about their past, and it's never too early for them to enjoy cocktail hour. Though their flaws are plentiful, their skills are undeniable. Look for Don to slowly take over the company, while running over the competition.

The Packers are Roger Sterling. They look good in a suit and run the business with the heft of their past successes, all the while dealing with the loss of their one true love, Joan Halloway. Though it was hard for them to part with Joan, their newest love is younger and gives them the capability of a much healthier relationship, giving Roger Sterling the opportunity to enjoy much more success.

The Bears are Duck Phillips. They are talented, smart, and have the World at their fingertips. Well, they would have the World at their fingertips had they not talked about others behind their backs or moved their best employee into a position that they aren't suited for, like making a kick returner into your best receiver. The Bears can go far, unless their ego's get in the way. And with Duck, that is always a possibility.

The Lions are Pete Campbell. Young, witty, and career driven; however, youth and the drive to succeed doesn't always mix well. The mixture causes Pete to talk himself up, only to fall flat on his face. Don't expect him to overwhelm you with his work, but he may surprise you every once in a while. Give him a couple of years and he may become a decent employee.

LCB NFL Picks: Week 16

December 20, 2008


(Click picture to enlarge)


+4.5 Baltimore Ravens (9-5) @ Dallas Cowboys (9-5) Saturday on NFLN 8:15: Langston's Pick: The Ravens are coming off of a tough-luck game against the Steelers, where the battle of defenses and a bad call went in Pittsburgh favor. The Cowboys are coming off of a great win over the NFC leading Giants, where they shut down New York's offense and sacked Eli 8 times. Both teams enter this game desperately seeking a win to stay in the wildcard race, with the winner taking a step towards the playoffs and the loser making vacation plans. I like the Cowboys pass-rush, the celebration of the final game at Texas Stadium, and rookie QB Joe Flacco to combine for a Dallas win. Boys by 6. LCG's Pick: I think the Cowboys will be unfocused due to the celebration, and the Ravens will be locked in and ready to pounce. Baltimore has been crushing it for the better part of the season, and I like them to continue that tonight. Romo and the Cowboys seem to rise to the occasion when their doubted, and fail when their expected to achieve. Ravens by 3.


-2 Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3) @ Tennessee Titans (12-2): Langston's Pick: No Haynesworth, no Vanden Bosch, no win for the Titans. I like the Steelers to win this 1:00 matchup between the two AFC powers. Pittsburgh by 6. LCG's Pick: The Titans are content with winning the AFC South and are now resting up, while the Steelers seem like they are out for blood every single game. I like the Steelers to continue that mode of play, as resting up for the playoffs rarely ever helps you win these late season matchups.


+3.5 Atlanta Falcons (9-5) @ Minnesota Vikings (9-5): Langston's Pick: This should be a great game to watch, as both teams are in the thick of the playoff race with two of the more explosive backs of the NFL in Michael "The Burner" Turner and Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson. Peterson is hobbled yet on a mission, his MVP caliber play should carry the Vikings to the victory and the playoffs. LCG's Pick: Peterson isn't healthy, Tarvaris is still starting, and the Falcons are curiously injury free. I like the Falcons and Michael Turner to run all over the Metrodome to a win.


+3 Carolina Panthers (11-3) @ New York Giants (11-3) Sunday on NBC 8:15: Langston's Pick: We learned the Giants aren't the same without Brandon Jacobs putting punishment on the defense. Jacobs is not 100%, and the Giants will be forced to give a bulk of the carries to Ward and Bradshaw. Yet I like Eli to step his game up and carry the Giants to a victory through the air. LCG's Pick: The Giants are a more talented team, and even though they are dealing with a mountain of issues I like them to beat the Panthers on Sunday night. Eli will have a huge game in a recovery of the disaster in Dallas. Giants by 6.


+4 Green Bay Packers (5-9) @ Chicago Bears (8-6) Monday on ESPN 8:30: Langston's Pick: It's too bad games don't last 30 minutes, if that was the case the Packers may by 14-0. They blow games they appear to have in the win column. One of the main factors is the injury plagued defense just seems to wear down at the worst possible time, and let go of the game late. For that reason I like the Bears to take this win. But it will be a good one, as this rivalry always supplies great football. LCG's Pick: I like the Bears to win this game, the Packers have played great considering their record but just seem to always come up short. This game will not be any different. Bears by 8.

Green Bay vs. Chicago Recap (Brought to you by The Whigs' "Right Hand on My Heart")

November 17, 2008

I assume most Packer fans, like myself, came into yesterday's game against the Bears with a bit of concern. Last week, Mason Crosby missed a field goal to win a game we really should have had no chance of winning; Minnesota dominated just about every statistical category, except for punt and interception returns for touchdowns. That game sent Green Bay into the game yesterday with a 4-5 record against a Bears team with a 5-4 record. Minnesota went into their game against Tampa Bay with a 5-4 record also. If Green Bay had lost yesterday's game, then their situation might have gone from tense to dire.

A loss yesterday to the Bears would have meant that this Packer team would have lost three heartbreaking games in a row: to the Titans in OT, to the Vikings on a missed FG, and to the Bears and their neck beard of a QB, not to mention that Nick Barnett was lost for the season in Minnesota, a state whose existence I only acknowledge because it gave the world Robert Zimmerman.

That's what could have happened; however, "could have's" are as useful as fiction, and other fictional statements that are applicable to yesterday's events are: the Bears have a viable option at quarterback, the Bears have a great defense, and Lovie Smith's leather jacket sets the standard for style on the sideline, actually that statement may be true. Anyway, let's discuss what's real, as opposed to the magical land of Oz, where Rex discovers a brain, Kyle discovers courage, and Forte discovers a heart. (Okay, I really am done with the insults as of now.)

This past week the Packers line units held team meetings, where they acknowledged that they looked pathetic against the Vikings. Yesterday, they dominated the line of scrimmage. Ryan Grant is now rounding into the form that he showed at the end of last season, which made him one of the most productive backs in football. Trade for him now in fantasy leagues if you can. The Hole in the Wall Gang continues to produce, meaning the defense scored for the ninth time this season--it's a trend. Aaron Rodgers needed a game like this after being buried alive in Minnesota. Mike McCarthy needed a game like this after saying that the Minnesota game had nothing to do with coaching and everything to do with execution. Maybe he was right.

"When it comes down to it, football is a simple game. As linebackers, you're trying to tackle the guy with the ball," said AJ Hawk, responding to how he adjusted to playing MLB for the first time since high school. This team didn't do too much thinking yesterday. It just came out and played, and in doing so, kept this season very much alive. 

I'm not going to go on about it. I'm just going to draw inspiration from my sister's blog and let a favorite band of mine make the point:

All the fallen leaves will find their branches again
Raindrops from the heavens I'll eventually swim
A river, an ocean, a wave in my heart
We got your money now we'll make a new start

All the fallen leaves will find their branches again
Raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim
River, an ocean, a wave in my heart
We got your money now we'll make a new start

In another week, promise?
In another year, promise?

Put your right hand on my heart

All the fallen leaves will find their branches again
The raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim
Don't bypass the train-tracks that lead to my heart
We got your money now we'll make a new start

All the fallen leaves will find their branches again
Raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim
River, an ocean, a wave in my heart
We got your money now we'll make a new start

In another week, promise?
In another year, promise?

Put your right hand on my heart

Your right hand on my heart
Your right hand on my heart
Feel the promise of my beating heart

All the fallen leaves will find their branches again
Raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim
River, an ocean, a wave in my heart
We got your money now we'll make a new start

The race in the NFC North has only begun.

The Green Bay Packers vs. The Minnesota Vikings Recap

November 9, 2008

Let's start with the positive. Donald Driver set a franchise record today, catching a pass in his 104th straight game. His streak breaks that of former Packer great Sterling Sharpe. I'm not sure if even Packer fans truly appreciate what Donald Driver has been for this franchise the last decade. His work ethic is renowned. No one shows up in the spring in as good of shape as Driver. He goes for balls, over the middle, with reckless abandon, like the tipped ball he caught today on Green Bay's last possession, and no matter how hard he's hit after a reception, he comes up wiggling his shoulders and pointing downfield. He's got swagger, and because of that, he's never shaken, and neither are his teammates. Favre trusted him, and now Aaron Rodgers trusts him. I trust him too. The other day a kid at school had on a Ryan Grant jersey, and I told him, "I like the jersey," but I was really thinking something along the lines of, "if any Packer fan buys a jersey this season, it should probably be #80's." The problem is franchise records don't always help to win games. Today's game is a prime example.

Several things came to mind today watching Aaron Rodgers against the Purple People Eaters, and most of them had to do with 3-dimensional objects being made into 2-dimensional objects. Deer freeze in headlights. Aluminum cans collapse under boots. Pumpkins go to pieces when gravity pulls them into pavement. Poland surrenders to Germany. Kuwait has no chance against Iraq. Today, Aaron Rodgers gained a world view, while lying on his back in the Metrodome. Yes, he's got to get the ball out quicker, especially around his own team's end zone, but where was his aid from the UN?

I lost count of how many times Jared Allen, who had to wear a shoulder harness just to play, came into the backfield untouched. One would think that the offensive line's top priority might be to account for a guy who got fined $50,000 last week for hitting quarterbacks and led the league in sacks last year. Aaron Rodgers was forced to play quarterback like the Roadrunner today. The ACME anvils were dressed in purple. Today was a good day to be Wily Coyote, especially since prior to today the Vikings had lost five straight to the Cheeseheads.

I thought the last paragraph made the point about how rough Rodgers' day was, that is until I reread it. The previous paragraph made no mention of the play when, on third down, Rodgers dropped back to pass and threw it to Donald Driver along the sideline. I believe it was Kevin Williams who came threw the line untouched and annihilated Rodgers. Driver came down with the ball, but he was out of bounds. Green Bay settled for a field goal to make it 27-21, but I swear, Aaron Rodgers looked like he was about to cry every moment from the time he got up from the Williams hit to the time it took for him to reach the sideline.

The sequence reminded me of when you're a little kid and get the wind knocked out of you in front of all your friends, all your friends' parents, your parents, and the other team. You get off the ground slowly. You can't say what's wrong because there's no air in your stomach or your lungs. Everyone keeps asking if you're alright, and the only response you can muster is to look at them with eyes full of water, like aquariums. If you've ever experienced this, then you know there's only one thing to do and that's pace around the field or sideline until you can speak again, and in that time, the one thought rushing through your head is, "why am I so weak." Aaron Rodgers had this look in his eyes, but to his credit, the aquariums never overflowed; and he kept getting up and he kept slinging, despite the fact that Minnesota ate up Green Bay's blocks like Number Munchers:
Seriously, Mike McCarthy, teach these men to be troggles.

Speaking of eating things up, Green Bay's secondary leads the league in interceptions; however, the numbers opposing teams have put up against this unit on the ground are disturbing. This unit has held opposing teams under 100 yards on the ground only twice this year, and those two teams were the abysmal Detroit Lions and the struggling Indianapolis Colts. A few weeks ago, injuries might have excused these numbers, but the excuses are now getting healthy. The defensive line rotation is back to full strength, causing the franchise's career leader in sacks, KGB, to be cut two weeks ago, but the numbers for opposing running backs are still growing--Adrian Peterson sprinted for 192 yards and one touchdown in today's game.     

But while the front seven continues to give up huge numbers on the ground, the secondary continues to keep the team in games. Today, they intercepted Gus Frerotte three different times. Charles Woodson leads the NFL in picks, and his interception in the first quarter set up a touchdown drive. Tramon Williams' interception set up a field goal at the end of the first half, and when Nick Collins picked off Frerotte, he wound up taking the pick all the way to the house, cutting the Viking lead to 21-17. This secondary excites fans and makes big plays, and it's not just one or two guys. The whole crew plays physical and hawks the ball, but unless the team shores up against the run, then rooting for this team is kind of like rooting for the Hole in the Wall Gang.

Occasionally, they may jump off a cliff and get away, even if they can't swim. The only problem is this film ends in Bolivia, and at the bottom of the cliff, there is no river, just the Bolivian army and its guns.

A team can only depend on cliff jumping for so long. At some point, the law catches up with a team. The weather's getting colder, and the laws of football state that when the temperature drops teams will run the ball more; and that's when the Green Bay season risks being riddled with bullet holes. Still, it's a helluva ride watching Woodson, Harris, Bigby, Collins, and company--The Hole in the Wall Gang--play like they're robbing trains.

One last note, the team needs to cut down on penalties. According to Troy Aikman, Green Bay leads the league in penalty yards, that's not good. Mike McCarthy has to be feeling like Luke Wilson in Anchorman:
 
We lost one arm in OT against Tennesse, and we just lost our second arm with a missed 52 yard field goal. I think it's safe to say, "C'mon! This is gettin' to be regoddamndiculous!"

Time Waster: You got knocked the ...

October 7, 2008

Last night there was a myriad of exciting plays to pick from for the top play. But one play was overlooked; it wasn't one of Bushs' two punt returns for touchdown, nor was it the blocked field goal returned for touchdown, and it absolutely has nothing to do with Martin Gramatica. No it was the block laid on the Vikings Erin Henderson(EJs brother) by Jo-Lon Dunbar. It was perfect, because you can see Henderson have that one moment where he thinks he may actually tackle Reggie Bush and then... BAM.. concussion/ dance time.

Packers vs. Vikings Results @ a glance

September 8, 2008

When ESPN showed the Packers taking the field before the game, it was Aaron Rodgers welcoming every player to Lambeau with high fives. ESPN then cut to commercial, a commercial featuring a certain quarterback and his now infamous wrangler jeans, even capitalism has it out for Green Bay fans, but after tonight, I can live with denim sewed in sweatshops and Madden covers that taunt me in my sleep.

I can live with the Aaron Rodgers era. I don't need to see anymore. I can buy into this quarterback. I know there will be games where I curse his name, but right now, his doing the Lambeau Leap is the first time I've been remotely excited or happy about football in a long time.

We have a defense. We have Ryan Grant. We have all our receivers; and we also have a quarterback who is confident playing from the shadows of a legend. This season just got a lot more exciting than talking about closed door meetings, text messages, depression, who to blame, and broken hearts. Ladies and gentlemen, we have hope.

A Brett Favre Breakup Letter, Part 8 (Green Bay vs. Minnesota)

Dear Brett,

Okay, I'm man enough to admit it; you looked pretty good yesterday. I still say it was the wrong shade of green. What is it Shakespeare wrote about the color? "O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;/ It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock/ The meat it feeds on...."

I don't know how many more touchdown passes off your back foot I can take, especially to guys named Stuckey and Cotchery, but in all honesty, it wasn't the touchdowns that gave me that sinking feeling in my stomach. It was the fact that you seemed happy to do it. I never thought the sound of J-E-T-S would make you smile in New York the way you did in Green Bay, which is why I now need Aaron Rodgers to come up big tonight.

I don't need to compare stats between the two of you. He doesn't have to match your 194 yards and 2 touchdowns from yesterday. He just needs to make Packer fans smile again. He's just got to give us something we can hold onto, like a win, in primetime, on Monday night, that all of America sees, because we need to move on, especially now that we've seen you already have.

Of course, you do seem to mention Green Bay in every interview. Could you stop that? You're a Jet now, and we're having a hard enough time realizing that without you bringing us up all the time.

Sincerely,
a Packers fan

PS Historically, a viking helmet has never been discovered with horns. Yes, Adrian Peterson, not only is your nickname blasphemous, but the helmet you wear is a historical fallacy. No wonder you run so fast...your pants are on fire. Green Bay wins, and Peterson's hamstrings pop like the rubber bands on an old G.I. Joe action figure.

2008 NFL Season Preview: #9 Minnesota Vikings

August 21, 2008

Division: NFC North
Last Years Record:8-8
Head Coach: Brad Childress
Offensive Coordinator: Darell Bevell
Defensive Coordinator: Leslie Frazier

Key Additions:
DE Jared Allen
WR Bernard Berrian
S Madieu Williams

Key Losses:
FB Tony Richardson
S Tank Williams

Offensive Breakdown:
The Vikings brass hit the jackpot when Adrian Peterson fell to their laps in the 2007 draft. Purple Jesus is a burgeoning superstar and has been compared to an extensive list of hall of famers, most notably Barry Sanders. Peterson is had maybe the most remarkable rookie years of anyone ever to play in the NFL; gaining 1341 yards with 5.6 ypc, 12 touchdowns, two 200 yard rushing performances, breaking the single game rushing record with 296 yards, NFL offensive rookie-of-the-year, and Pro Bowl MVP. All of that before his 23rd birthday, and he still needed to work on some things in the off season. Opponents slowed him down in the second half of last season, and he must learn how to be more patient and selective when running against eight- or nine-man fronts. Chester Taylor, who actually outgained Peterson in the second half of the season, will see less and less carries as Peterson gets more experience will see a bulk of his action on third down. With Purple Jesus' explosiveness and Taylors power, this is the best backfield in the NFL and probably the best since Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen. Maurice Hicks will be the third back and may see action in passing situations. The Vikings signed Thomas Tapeh to replace Tony Richardson at fullback.

To say Tarvaris Jackson had a rocky year last year would be a gross understatement. He "led" the team to an 8-4 record while only throwing 9 touchdowns to his 12 interceptions. Between him, Kelly Holcomb, and Brooks "Brothers" Bollinger he had the lowest quarterback rating. With the running game that they have and the west-coast offense that they employ there is not enough excuses in the world to defend Tarvaris' play last season. But Brad Childress is doing his best and thinks Jackson will be better in his third season as he expects better decision-making and fewer turnovers. Tarvaris has a rocket of an arm and quick feet, he just needs to understand when to go for the big play and when to throw it out of bounds. Gus Frerotte was brought in this off season to help mentor the young QB and play the role of life support if Jackson doesn't improve or gets injured. Frerotte knows the west-coast system well and is a better-than-average backup.

Tarvaris wasn't the only one to blame for their passing woes last season as the wide receiving core was terrible at best. The Vikings ranked 28th in the NFL in passing offense last season, and receivers accounted for only 12 TDs. That is where Bernard Berrian comes in, he is a down field threat and was reliable in his time with Chicago. His ability down field will stop defenses from stacking the box. Sidney Rice will likely win the job to start along side Berrian. Ride could live up to his first round expectations, especially in the red zone, where his 6'4" frame allows him to outreach defenders. Bobby Wade might be the one most helped by the arrival of Berrian, it allows Wade to return to his more familiar role in the slot. Robert Ferguson and Aundrae Allison should vie for playing time. Tight end Visanthe Shiancoe must develop more consistency catching the ball, as he dropped three touchdown passes last season.

The strength of the offensive line is in the middle, where Pro Bowl center Matt Birk is flanked by two dominating run blockers, left guard Steve Hutchinson and right guard Anthony Herrera. Both are aggressive and physical one-on-one blockers who excel in the zone-blocking scheme. Right tackle Ryan Cook is the weak link, because he is playing out of position. Bryant McKinnie is the starting left tackle, that is after his 4-game suspension is over. McKinnie has not lived up to the expectations that were set when he signed the huge extension in 2006. Hicks is the all-purpose backup, but will most likely struggle while standing in for McKinnie.

Defensive Breakdown:
The acquisition of Jarad Allen in the off season symbolized a couple things for the Vikings; First they want to win now and they are making the moves to do so. Secondly they are tired of being passed on, when they have the best defense against the run. Jared Allen's pass rushing ability off the edge will compliment the best tackle tandem in the league quite nicely. Kevin Williams and Pat Williams are a huge factor as to why the Vikings led the league in rush defense over the last two seasons. Kevin Williams is also a threat to the quarterback in passing downs, and opponents won’t be able to double-team him if they are doubling Allen, and vice versa. Opposing offenses will have to pick their poison, double Williams or double Allen, either way their QB will be getting hit. Ray Edwards, Brian Robison and possibly Jayme Mitchell will rotate at the end spot opposite Allen. Depth behind both Williamses is a question. The Vikings hope that fifth-round pick Letroy Guion can contribute at some point.


The linebacking core remains in tact from last season as EJ Henderson, Chad Greenway, and Ben Leber return with no real competition against them for playing time. Henderson and Leber both play the run well and are underrated blitzers. After playing in only one game in 2006, Greenway was basically a rookie and had on the job training in 2007. He has to improve his open-field tackling but has all of the physical tools to be a full-time starter. Derrick Pope will serve as a utility backup at all three positions. The Vikings also signed EJ's younger brother Erin as an undrafted free agent. Heath Farwell and Vinny Ciurciu will be available if necessary, but will see the field the most on special teams.

The secondary should benefit from the improved pass rush. Antoine Winfield and Cedric Griffin are the starting corners and are decent in coverage but neither has outstanding speed. Yet they are physical and understand passing routes. Benny Sapp comes in to compete with Marcus McCauley for the nickleback job. Free safety Madieu Williams comes in to replace Dwight Smith, giving the Vikings better deep coverage, and strong safety Darren Sharper is entering the final year of his contract. The Vikings drafted Tyrell Johnson out of Arkansas State with their second-round pick and he will likely be groomed as Sharper's replacement.

Season Outlook:
The Vikings all have all the pieces to be a playoff team, but need Tarvaris to step up and provide a passing threat. If he can do that Purple Jesus should have an even better season and the Vikings will be dangerous. The defense has no gaping holes and should punish opposing quarterbacks. I see the Vikings winning around 11 games and taking the division crown.

Schedule:
Week 1: Sep 08 @ Green Bay 7:00 PM ESPN
Week 2: Sep 14 Colts 1:00 PM CBS
Week 3: Sep 21 Carolina 1:00 PM FOX
Week 4: Sep 28 @ Tennessee 1:00 PM FOX
Week 5: Oct 06 @ New Orleans 8:30 PM ESPN
Week 6: Oct 12 Detroit 1:00 PM FOX
Week 7: Oct 19 @ Chicago 1:00 PM FOX
Week 8: BYE WEEK
Week 9: Nov 02 Houston 1:00 PM CBS
Week 10: Nov 09 Green Bay 1:00 PM FOX
Week 11: Nov 16 @ Tampa Bay 1:00 PM FOX
Week 12: Nov 23 @ Jacksonville 1:00 PM FOX
Week 13: Nov 30 Chicago 8:15 PM NBC
Week 14: Dec 07 @ Detroit 1:00 PM FOX
Week 15: Dec 14 @ Arizona 4:05 PM FOX
Week 16: Dec 21 Atlanta 1:00 PM FOX
Week 17: Dec 28 Giants 1:00 PM FOX
 

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