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LCBInsider: Unfounded Rumors

July 9, 2010

-Reporting from the frontiers of the NBA, Teach spins us a tale of the LeBron James gang over at The Faster Times, painting them as a bunch of cattle rustlers and rapists, or a new generation of heroes.  Left out of the legend are German farmer Dirk Nowitzki's misgivings on The Farmer's Almanac, being tied to the land, and how the wind all of a sudden is blowing east.  Heck, even the grizzly fur trader Amar'e has packed his bags and headed back to New York City, with a rattle snake over his shoulders and a saddle, but no horse, in his hands.  In other words, we've all been to the Pacific and now it's time to come home.  The commemorative coin for the Western Conference's dominance can be purchased for $19.99, but it's worth at least a cool thousand.

- Keeping with a western theme, Shaq apparently wants to join up with Timmy Duncan in order to visit the Bad Lands of South Dakota and study up close the devastating effects of erosion on what was once a mighty terrain, millions of years ago.

-Cavs owner Dan Gilbert blames video games for LeBron James joining Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami, stating, "What can you expect from a generation raised on reset buttons?  And in my mind, this is much worse. like presetting the rosters before starting franchise mode or something."

-Stan Yeungling reports that "The Cavs are still the best team in Cleveland without LeBron," which means maybe the Browns should make James an offer.

-The state of Ohio plans to make LeBron's Akron mansion into a state cemetery, much like the federal government did with Robert E. Lee's Arlington home during and after the Civil War.

-JJ Redick cancels his hour long free agent special, where he planned on reading an epic poem about the trials and tribulations of making a perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich, explaining, "It would just be spitting in the face of all those crying Cleveland fans because I'm not going there either."

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3 comments:

Langston said...

Funny, I never thought of Amar'e as fur trader. I guess, I always saw him as a plantation owner, making millions off the hard work of others.

July 9, 2010 at 11:08 PM
Teach said...

I guess I just pictured his meetings with D'Antoni in NYC like a prodigal son returning. There's his dad who failed out west and came back east sweeping his shop, and then there's a heavy thud at the door and a bear rug thrown on the counter. The smell of salmon and wild flowers and smoke sifts in, and there's Amar'e older than he was.

July 9, 2010 at 11:14 PM
Teach said...

Or instead of going w/ either of those...we could go with some sort of migrant worker analogy because of the situation in AZ but that probably gets too messy and political

July 9, 2010 at 11:15 PM

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