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Some lighthearted baseball talk (NL East edition)

April 20, 2016

The following is not a preview, but a lighthearted conversation about the NL East, baseball and other things: 

Freeman: Was it always this lonely? Chipper: Nah man, it was beautiful and busy and full of life. 
Atlanta Braves

Carlos Sampedro: I hate when teams dump everyone and everything.

Bryan Harvey: Me too. I think I could survive a winless season if said season included Andrelton Simmons.

CS: You still have Freddie Freeman.

BH: At this point, rooting for Freeman feels like eating vegetables. You do it because you have to. The team should probably just trade him too. Apparently, the high water mark for the Braves this decade was April 2010 when Jason Heyward went yard in his first Major League at bat.

John Hoffman: Long gone are the days of Ted Turner and Jane Fonda.

BH: All that consistency somehow turned in on itself and ended in the abyss where it started. This is Finnegan’s Wake.

JH: I look at your team and think Deliverance. No hope here.

CS: Yeah, you guys have gone full Astro. Nobody goes full Astro.

JH: What about Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight?

BH: I’m not listening anymore, John, all I hear are banjoes, as Jeff Francoeur walks up to the plate about ten years too late.

"It's just your typical contract, Giancarlo. You get some things. We get some things. You know, your soul."
Miami Marlins

BH: So let’s say a team lost three straight games to a team that had previously lost nine straight. That would be a really awful team, right? Like that team would be the worst, am I right?

JH: It would definitely be a team devoid of fans and culture.

BH: I remember kids in elementary school wearing Marlins and Rockies gear when the teams first appeared. I sometimes wonder where all those kids went.

JH: Did Carlos have anything to say about the Fish?

BH: He did not, which means he neither likes them nor dislikes them. He sorted every team into those two categories. The teams he did not sort do not exist. 

JH: Do you think Drew Barrymore is a Florida fan?

BH: I do not know.

JH: J-Lo? Don Johnson? Jimmy Buffet?

BH: Sometimes I wonder if there’s a Pedro Sancarlos living in Fairfax County who is a huge Florida Marlins fan, like painted his entire basement teal and worships Craig Counsel huge.

JH: What about The Golden Girls?

BH: You’re just naming things that are old now.

JH: Hemingway would love this team.

BH: Do you think Giancarlo Stanton’s mattress is stuffed with actual cash? Let’s take your Old Man and the Sea premise to its full extent. Stanton’s not the old man—he’s the prize catch lashed to the boat and everything else is a shark.

New York Mets

CS: Love their rotation.

JH: You thinking about Seinfeld, Edie Falco, Chris Rock, and Chris Rock more so than Kevin James and Adam Sandler?

CS: I’m talking about actual pitchers, John.

JH: Picture this: Oscar Madison Mets caps on both Jack Klugman and Walter Matthau.

CS: What?

BH: He’s being obscure, Carlos, at least I think that’s what he’s doing.

CS: Whatever, I don’t love the team’s defense, but I think the pitchers should win them the division.

BH: What I like most about this team is how they ambushed Washington last season. By definition, that can’t happen two years in a row. Then again, Syndergaard. Is he the best pitcher in baseball right now?

Philadelphia Phillies

BH: Really? No one wants to talk about the Phillies. Then let’s just do what Philly does and fill the void.

JH: Art Garfunkel.

Washington Nationals

BH: Seems like Nats fans are more tepid this year, which is understandable.

CS: Well, there’s last season and the season before that. I also don’t think they improved really.

BH: A lot went right for this franchise in terms of building a talent base. However, baseball, like so many sports, is a game of limited opportunities. I’m not saying they can’t win a World Series anytime soon, but I still say they shut down Stephen Strasburg in the year that may have been their best shot. As a Braves fan, who watched my beloved Bobby Cox’s teams squander championship opportunities postseason after postseason, that Nats postseason, while cautious, was also a tremendous act of hubris. Maybe it was right for Strasburg’s health, but it wasn’t right for the franchise. I also don’t feel at ease with how I’m suggesting he should have acted as a baseball martyr, just that you never know what year is your year, which is both hopeful and haunting.

JH: Kevin Durant has a Washington Nats logo tattooed on his stomach.

BH: But is hopeful or haunting? Seriously, I’m only kind of joking.

CS: I would go so far as to suggest they fire GM Rizzo.

BH: Really?

CS: He’s at fault. Their lineup isn’t great. The pen isn’t proven. And they’ve fired multiple managers.

BH: You have a point. Also, if you fire the manager and not the GM, you’re firmly stating you believe you have talent. If you believe that and it’s not true, then what you have is not only hubris at work, but delusion.


JH:  You also have Bryce Harper.

BH: And you do have that, which is as much or more than anyone else. 

The participants above are all high school teachers with nothing better to do. Funnel any complaints or actual opinions to @LawnChairBoys.  


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