2009 AFC East Division Preview

In the past, we broke down every team in detail before the start of the season, but this year we decided to view each division as a dysfunctional American family and base our predictions off their family trees.

Family Portrait:

Place of Residence:

Some families are photogenic. Some families are wealthy. Some families are influential. Some families are all three, and it allows them to take an iconic position in the historical fabric of a society, allowing the family to reside in our hearts, with the opening and shutting of doors in their Brookline home or Cape Cod cottage serving as society's pulse.

Some doors close in death, preventing the perfect storm of youth and potential from ever achieving its desired impact as a Nor'easter, while other doors in the house remain forever open, allowing an undying nostalgia to constantly haunt and tarnish the accomplishments of the present, making today an underwhelming experience, constantly bathed in the shadows of yesterday. To some, even the sharp pain of the past is something to envy in light of the present's dull mediocrity.

Vacation Spot:

The family tends to vacation in Martha's Vineyard, but when the pressures of power, responsibility, and celebrity grow too great, many of the family's young men have gone in search of the nightlife, pounding cocktails in New York and waitresses in hotel rooms. These attempts to relax and forget have, at times, resulted in tragedy and embarrassment.

Favorite Pastime:

The family's tradition of sailing provides a natural testament from the Lord above that the winds and waves that harvest creation from the depths can also spring destruction, as if the most peaceful breezes and violent gales were all contained in the throwing motion of Dan Marino's Neptune-like arm. The hobby of sailing is there for all to see, but the family also takes part in darker practices that take place behind closed doors, in smoke-filled parlours. The family's most recent successes can be credited to voter fraud, driven by Mayor Bill Belichick's political machine.

Teach's Prediction:

With Tom Brady back, who else wins this division other than New England, even if there are some question marks on defense? The real battle in this division is between the Dolphins and Bills for second place. The Dolphins finished 11-5 last year, and the Bills, after starting 5-1, wound up 7-9. Looking at the Bills schedule, I think they'll have a hard time doing better than 7-9 again this year, unless the addition of T.O. causes Trent Edwards to blossom as a quarterback. Can the Bills count on T.O. breaking through with his version of "Born to Run?" Glancing at the Dolphins schedule, I don't see them doing much better than 8 to 9 wins, but that could be enough to finish runner-up to the Patriots and maybe, if they're lucky, even clinch a Wild Card berth. The only question remaining is whether Chad Pennington is the less sexy version of Marilyn Monroe, seeing as how he's been with two of the family's siblings.

Langston's Prediction:
The Jets return the AFC's leading rusher, while adding Mark Sanchez, who looks like the real deal, and the blitz heavy Rex Ryan as head coach. This combination will help them be a more competitive team in 2009; however, the ebbs and flows of a rookie QB will hinder them from keeping pace in this highly improved contested division.

The Dolphins learned how to win last season, and their playoff experience will give them confidence; however, with the rest of the league employing the wildcat, the Dolphins may be forced to rely more on the deftly accurate, yet meekly armed, Chad Pennington.

The Bills added Aaron Maybin on defense and TO on offense and will be going with the no huddle on offense, which will tire the defense and give Trent Edwards more time to decide whether to piss off T.O. or not. If they can survive the first four games without Marshawn Lynch, I see this team fighting for a wild-card spot, but there just isn't enough talent for them to keep pace with the Patriots.

Speaking of which, the Patriots and their leader Bill "How do I reach these keeeeds?" Belichick, should cruise to the division championship. The offense is loaded with Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Joey Galloway, Laurence Maroney, and Fred Taylor. Barring injuries, the defense will have to be downright pathetic for this team to lose more than 4 games and, therefore, the division.