2009 NFC North Division Preview

In the past, we broke down every team in detail before the start of the season, but this year we decided to view each division as a dysfunctional American family and base our predictions off their family trees.

Family Portrait:

Place of Residence:

The house is enclosed by a traditional white picket fence and sits at the end of a cul de sac. The kids can walk to the local elementary school and library, and the best waffle cone and two scoops of ice cream a person ever had, for fifty cents, are just a few blocks away. When one comes home from work, the dog waits by the mailbox and the wife waits at the front door with an after work cigar and martini in hand. Life appears perfect, but these are Mad Men.

Brad Childress just ended a torrid affair by paying for the woman to have an abortion. The woman just happened to be his brother Ted Thompson's ex-wife. Childress began seeing Thompson's ex-wife out of jealousy that Thompson got all of the Lombardi genes. Thompson's a real go-getter, but secretly, he's depressed and wears women's panty hose under his business suits.

The family's favorite uncle, Lovie Smith, can't help but try and save people from themselves; his most recent project is rescuing Jay Cutler from his own off-putting ego. In an effort to help Jay, he's made Jay the floor manager at one of his electronic stores, but the pressures of selling the first home microwave oven are causing Jay to contemplate using amphetamines again. He tends to down them with alcohol.

While the whole family gathers at the table, poor Matthew Stafford goes missing without anyone noticing. He appears to have a lot of his Uncle Barry in him; he works real hard for nothing. The family leaves him out in the garage for days at a time, even on Thanksgiving, while he tries to build the contraptions of his favorite television show Lost in Space. The rest of the family finds him a tad bit queer, but no one says anything--it's better that way.

Vacation Spot:

Forced to feel a strong connection with their past because of its superiority to the present, the NFC North always vacations with the grandparents along the shorelines of Lake Michigan, hoping that the winds off the lake will bring back better, more glorious days.

Favorite Pastime:

When snow covers the ground, the boys go out in the backyard and play football for hours, until they turn blue, while Mom and Pop sip cider. Of course, both Mom and Pop sneak off to spike their cups of cider with their own hidden stashes of booze; neither one realizes that the other one is drunk because they're too busy trying not to appear inebriated themselves. While in the garage, Matthew Stafford shows his friend Kevin Smith the rocket pack he built--it fails to fly.

Teach's Prediction:

Three of the division's teams could easily win it. Detroit is the only one not capable of winning it, but they offer an intriguing story line because they are coming off an 0-16 season and have a rookie quarterback. Detroit fans will take almost any sparks as signs that things are improving.

Minnesota flirted with a solution to their only glaring weakness, but he wound up walking off into the sunset. Now, the team's fate once again falls on the shoulders of Adrian Peterson and their defense, which could begin to show signs of wear and tear.

Chicago added Jay Cutler, but they didn't add anyone to catch the ball. Still, Cutler could benefit from a more consistent ground attack, led by Matt Forte, than he had in Denver. The Bears defense reminds me of Minnesota's because one wonders if their most dominant days are behind them.

The team with the most all-around talent in the division is the Green Bay Packers, but one could also say that last year. The addition of Dom Capers as defensive coordinator should solidify the talent on defense. This fact, coupled with Aaron Rodgers' development, should win the Packers their second NFC North title in three years.

Langston's Prediction:

If the NFC North was the cast of characters from Mad Men, then the Vikings would be Don Draper. They can have any woman in the room, they can sell bubble gum to the lock-jaw ward at bellvue, and they are as dapper as a man can get. Yet, they have their issues; they cheat on their wife, they lie about their past, and it's never too early for them to enjoy cocktail hour. Though their flaws are plentiful, their skills are undeniable. Look for Don to slowly take over the company, while running over the competition.

The Packers are Roger Sterling. They look good in a suit and run the business with the heft of their past successes, all the while dealing with the loss of their one true love, Joan Halloway. Though it was hard for them to part with Joan, their newest love is younger and gives them the capability of a much healthier relationship, giving Roger Sterling the opportunity to enjoy much more success.

The Bears are Duck Phillips. They are talented, smart, and have the World at their fingertips. Well, they would have the World at their fingertips had they not talked about others behind their backs or moved their best employee into a position that they aren't suited for, like making a kick returner into your best receiver. The Bears can go far, unless their ego's get in the way. And with Duck, that is always a possibility.

The Lions are Pete Campbell. Young, witty, and career driven; however, youth and the drive to succeed doesn't always mix well. The mixture causes Pete to talk himself up, only to fall flat on his face. Don't expect him to overwhelm you with his work, but he may surprise you every once in a while. Give him a couple of years and he may become a decent employee.