Dan Snyder Intends to Sign Fourth Manning Brother

Dan Snyder's Washington Redskins sit at 2-4. This Monday night they'll meet the 3-2 Philadelphia Eagles, which marks the first time this year they face a team that's already won a game, meaning that Washington's four losses gave four teams their first taste of victory in the 2009 season.

Needless to say, owner Dan Snyder is desperate; the failures of his franchise have caused his name to be batted around the streets and bars of the Diamond District with a fierce ruthless mocking. Times need to change, which is why Snyder has announced his intentions to sign the fourth Manning brother, asking, "What Manning brother hasn't been successful? We want to win, and the Manning's are winners. It's logical. It makes sense. End of discussion."

Employees within the Washington organization question the logistics of the move. One identified source made the following observation: "Do we even know if there is a fourth Manning brother? Are you sure he's not trying to lure Cooper Manning out of his job with that energy firm?"

Another Redskin employee embraced the quest for the fourth Manning with much more optimism: "Hey, this is the best thing to happen at Redskin Park since Portis started wearing costumes. I now clang coconuts and gallop on my way to work every morning, even on the Metro. Hopefully, this means we'll have a 'bring out your dead day.'" Some people within earshot of this comment pointed out that this day may have already happened the day Snyder hired Sherman Lewis as an offensive consultant.

Carlos Rogers voiced the concerns of the players, "This is some Indiana Jones bull sh!t. Seriously, man, this is like Hitler collecting museum pieces. I live in this city. I gotta finger on the pulse. I hear people debatin' whether Obama's a socialist or not, but I'm the one who goes to work everyday for a man with a Napoleon complex."

Dan Snyder dismissed such accusations as ludicrous and promptly fined Rogers. Snyder also clarified his position on the Redskins' pursuit of the fourth Manning, "It's something we're looking into. We have top people working on it. Right now, the search is in its very early stages. Mainly, we've got a few private investigators making inquiries up and down the Bayou, looking into whether Archie Manning may have had any illegitimate children that might carry the Super Bowl winning gene, unbeknownst to the rest of the world."

The two people whose fate rests most on the discovery of a hidden Manning brother are Redskin Head Coach Jim Zorn and starting quarterback Jason Campbell.

Zorn responded to the idea, "At this point, I'll do whatever Mr. Snyder wants, including wearing a cilice and flogging myself."

Campbell responded with a bit more disgust, "This whole thing is unbelievable and poorly contrived, much like a Dan Brown novel. Mr. Snyder needs to stop reading novels written on toilet paper and let people who know football run the franchise, but, hey, if he wants the long lost son of Christ to replace me, then go ahead and trade me. I'll even go to Oakland at this point."

Early reports back from Snyder's investigation into the possibility of a fourth Manning have so far only festered rumors that Drew Brees may or may not be the immaculately conceived son of Archie Manning. Brees currently plays for the New Orleans Saints.