Eastern Conference teams need to work on and strive to improve in order to make the Finals, so today we're bringing you their critiques of the final eight Western Conference contestants. Now, remember these are music professionals giving insider tips to basketball players on how they can maximize their athletic potential into pure entertainment.
#1 San Antonio Spurs vs. #8 Memphis Grizzlies
Randy Jackson: Timmy, my dawg. Or is it dawgs? I mean, you got a whole crew up their who can make that nylon sing. Yo, let me tell you somethin'. Talent no question. But I look at Pop and I don't see anyone havin' fun out there. You gotta have fun, dawg. You got to.
Jennifer Lopez: I admire you're maturity. I couldn't really hear you over the audience, but you've got to be the most experienced performer we've seen, aside from those cats in green and those LA boys. Just a very mature performance, and I really love how you look tonight. The black is a very classy look.
Steven Tyler: There's this little diddy I used to sing called "Back in the Saddle." Something about you really brings out the vibe of that song. A lot of people don't realize it really was about a Dancing Bear, named Randolph, which is not to be mistaken for a magical reindeer. You make me want to scream.
#4 OKC Thunder vs. #5 Denver Nuggets
Jennifer Lopez: You guys are like those little engines that could. Ooooooooo, I just want to eat you up, and I love the light powder blue uniforms. Your eyes are just popping out there on the court. Really beautiful.
Steven Tyler: The midwest was always good to me. Do you know how much coke can be snorted on a tour bus from Denver to Oklahoma City? Too much. Kevin Durant has really long, skinny arms--he could braid a feather into my hair from the foul line, and I wouldn't even feel it. Watching you guys is like some um sort of ghost dance. Really trippy. Really groovy.
Randy Jackson: Yo. Yo. Yoyo. Dawg. Dude, you guys have the table set. You do this, and these other cats won't know how to respond. You've taken everyone by surprise. Westbrook is good. Felton and Lawson have really gelled. I like where this is headed.
#3 Dallas Mavericks vs. #6 Portland Trailblazers
Steven Tyler: Gerald Wallace is in your face, like a cat with bad breath. He really gets after it. Mick Jagger. Bluesy. Sad, sad soul. I dig it.
Randy Jackson: Yo, LaMarcus, where you been, dawg? Where you been?
Jennifer Lopez: Dirk, baby, you easily have the prettiest hair in this competition. I love the way it's feathered. I love the softness in your shot. You're like my He-Man. I want you.
#2 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #7 New Orleans Hornets
Randy Jackson: Yo, Kobe, yo. Wow. You play like a man. No question. But you dress like a faggot. Purple? C'mon. Still, I like how tall you guys are. You guys are really tall. And about the purple, you guys really do pull it off.
Jennifer Lopez: Chris, you had something a while back. Then you lost your way. I wonder what you're doing without David West. I can't see you moving on, but I don't want you to go. You have a bright future.
Steven Tyler: I'm going to say something no one else has said. Kobe, you guys are really tall. And about the purple, it's like you raided my wardrobe. That's what rock stars do and are. Use words. They don't have to make sense. We're artists. Words mean what we want them to. Listen to this song I once wrote, Let me do ya skit skat tallywack wally world waldo geraldo peckerwood kitty kitty guinea rum yum kikes fly kites my nigga. That song's about having tea with my mom, but people were offended. I don't get it.
Ryan Seacrest: Enjoy the first round.
FOX Disclaimer: Steven Tyler never wrote the above lyrics, if he had we never would have hired him as an American Idol judge. However, his lyrics do tend to make absolutely no sense or sound extremely asinine, especially when he's trying to rhyme. In fact, his lyrics make about as much sense as Kobe Bryant's defense that he wasn't trying to offend anyone with his use of the gay slur "faggot." Mr. Bryant, it's clear you meant to offend at least one person, referee Bryant Bennie, and this whole thing would have been easier if you had just given an unqualified apology that did not delve into the semantics of an offensive word.
Is Kobe Bryant a terrible person? Probably not. Is he perfect or a role model? Probably not. Is he a good basketball player? Absolutely.
He is a good basketball player who could use some work on his PR skills, and, yes, even Phil Jackson could join his star player in that category, having worded the defense of his player in a way that basically suggested the only wrongdoing was getting caught on camera. It wasn't. But if Phil Jackson were into the charade of building character in basketball players he would be collecting a check at a major university and not in the NBA. So, let's get back to basketball and ranking karaoke singers.
We here at FOX apologize for the words and behavior of Steven Tyler, Randy Jackson, Kobe Bryant, and Muammar Gadhafi.
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