Dan Snyder Intends to Sign Fourth Manning Brother

Dan Snyder's Washington Redskins sit at 2-4. This Monday night they'll meet the 3-2 Philadelphia Eagles, which marks the first time this year they face a team that's already won a game, meaning that Washington's four losses gave four teams their first taste of victory in the 2009 season.

Needless to say, owner Dan Snyder is desperate; the failures of his franchise have caused his name to be batted around the streets and bars of the Diamond District with a fierce ruthless mocking. Times need to change, which is why Snyder has announced his intentions to sign the fourth Manning brother, asking, "What Manning brother hasn't been successful? We want to win, and the Manning's are winners. It's logical. It makes sense. End of discussion."

Employees within the Washington organization question the logistics of the move. One identified source made the following observation: "Do we even know if there is a fourth Manning brother? Are you sure he's not trying to lure Cooper Manning out of his job with that energy firm?"

Another Redskin employee embraced the quest for the fourth Manning with much more optimism: "Hey, this is the best thing to happen at Redskin Park since Portis started wearing costumes. I now clang coconuts and gallop on my way to work every morning, even on the Metro. Hopefully, this means we'll have a 'bring out your dead day.'" Some people within earshot of this comment pointed out that this day may have already happened the day Snyder hired Sherman Lewis as an offensive consultant.

Carlos Rogers voiced the concerns of the players, "This is some Indiana Jones bull sh!t. Seriously, man, this is like Hitler collecting museum pieces. I live in this city. I gotta finger on the pulse. I hear people debatin' whether Obama's a socialist or not, but I'm the one who goes to work everyday for a man with a Napoleon complex."

Dan Snyder dismissed such accusations as ludicrous and promptly fined Rogers. Snyder also clarified his position on the Redskins' pursuit of the fourth Manning, "It's something we're looking into. We have top people working on it. Right now, the search is in its very early stages. Mainly, we've got a few private investigators making inquiries up and down the Bayou, looking into whether Archie Manning may have had any illegitimate children that might carry the Super Bowl winning gene, unbeknownst to the rest of the world."

The two people whose fate rests most on the discovery of a hidden Manning brother are Redskin Head Coach Jim Zorn and starting quarterback Jason Campbell.

Zorn responded to the idea, "At this point, I'll do whatever Mr. Snyder wants, including wearing a cilice and flogging myself."

Campbell responded with a bit more disgust, "This whole thing is unbelievable and poorly contrived, much like a Dan Brown novel. Mr. Snyder needs to stop reading novels written on toilet paper and let people who know football run the franchise, but, hey, if he wants the long lost son of Christ to replace me, then go ahead and trade me. I'll even go to Oakland at this point."

Early reports back from Snyder's investigation into the possibility of a fourth Manning have so far only festered rumors that Drew Brees may or may not be the immaculately conceived son of Archie Manning. Brees currently plays for the New Orleans Saints.

The number of the day is:

Not zero, although it could be when you consider for the first time in his career Lerbon James ended an NBA game without an assist last night in a loss to the Rockets. Nor is it 45 million, even though it deserves consideration because Manny Ramirez and Scott Boras rejected the Dodgers most recent offer of 45 million for the next two years. Its not because both sides aren't there yet and its not even March. While $45 million is nothing to snub your nose at, I wouldn't want to be paid less (25 mil in '09 and 20 mil in '10) in the second year either.

So the number of the day has to be 154 million, because just hours into the NFL free agency period the Washington Redskins signed both DeAngelo Hall and Albert Haynesworth for a total of $154 million. Hall who was cut from the Raiders just 8 games into a seven-year $70 million deal, signed a 6 year $54 million deal. The deal just about guarantees that either Shawn Springs or Carlos Rogers will not be back in Washington. The other blockbuster deal was for $100 million dollars was given to former Titan defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth. Big Al is considered to be one of the toughest defensive players to scheme for, but may be better known for stepping on an opponents face. Good thing for the Redskins, that opponent was a Cowboy. There is no word yet on how much of Haynesworth's contract is guaranteed, but Hall is guaranteed $22.5 million. The two blockbuster deals bring back the Dan Snyder of old, and his plan of spend big-win big. But as we all know, that didn't work out to well for the team in the past. Only time will tell if it pays huge dividends or not. If it doesn't work out, at least Snyder can fall back on his income from Six Flags..

Zorn, worst coach in America?

Today Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn did the typical weekly press conference. The Zorn Star was feeling a little down over the teams recent play and decided to share his thoughts with the media:

"It hurts. I feel like the worst coach in America. [The players] risk a lot.
They put out tremendous effort, tremendous emotion to go out and play. We can
win some of these games. I have a hard time looking at the talent and just
saying that's [the problem] and moving on."

Although it was refreshing to hear the coach, who has been criticized for patting himself on the back after wins and pointing the finger post-losses, take the blame for the travesty of a game in Cincinnati. It is even more of a breath of fresh air when you consider he is going through the first step of recovery, which is admitting that your powerless to below average defensive schemes. In the second step he needs to understand that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. The rest Zorn and yourselves can read right here, but after he goes through with the second step we won't really have a need for Zorny. So we have that going for us.

Quick thought on the NFL

With the Redskins down 14-0 to the one-win Bengals, they are on the brink of losing their third straight game and losing five out of the last six. Couple their dissarray on the field with the public slamming of the head coach by Portis and the availability of the Chin, I wonder how long it will take Daniel Snyder to hand this note to the Zorn star.