Dan Snyder Intends to Sign Fourth Manning Brother

Dan Snyder's Washington Redskins sit at 2-4. This Monday night they'll meet the 3-2 Philadelphia Eagles, which marks the first time this year they face a team that's already won a game, meaning that Washington's four losses gave four teams their first taste of victory in the 2009 season.

Needless to say, owner Dan Snyder is desperate; the failures of his franchise have caused his name to be batted around the streets and bars of the Diamond District with a fierce ruthless mocking. Times need to change, which is why Snyder has announced his intentions to sign the fourth Manning brother, asking, "What Manning brother hasn't been successful? We want to win, and the Manning's are winners. It's logical. It makes sense. End of discussion."

Employees within the Washington organization question the logistics of the move. One identified source made the following observation: "Do we even know if there is a fourth Manning brother? Are you sure he's not trying to lure Cooper Manning out of his job with that energy firm?"

Another Redskin employee embraced the quest for the fourth Manning with much more optimism: "Hey, this is the best thing to happen at Redskin Park since Portis started wearing costumes. I now clang coconuts and gallop on my way to work every morning, even on the Metro. Hopefully, this means we'll have a 'bring out your dead day.'" Some people within earshot of this comment pointed out that this day may have already happened the day Snyder hired Sherman Lewis as an offensive consultant.

Carlos Rogers voiced the concerns of the players, "This is some Indiana Jones bull sh!t. Seriously, man, this is like Hitler collecting museum pieces. I live in this city. I gotta finger on the pulse. I hear people debatin' whether Obama's a socialist or not, but I'm the one who goes to work everyday for a man with a Napoleon complex."

Dan Snyder dismissed such accusations as ludicrous and promptly fined Rogers. Snyder also clarified his position on the Redskins' pursuit of the fourth Manning, "It's something we're looking into. We have top people working on it. Right now, the search is in its very early stages. Mainly, we've got a few private investigators making inquiries up and down the Bayou, looking into whether Archie Manning may have had any illegitimate children that might carry the Super Bowl winning gene, unbeknownst to the rest of the world."

The two people whose fate rests most on the discovery of a hidden Manning brother are Redskin Head Coach Jim Zorn and starting quarterback Jason Campbell.

Zorn responded to the idea, "At this point, I'll do whatever Mr. Snyder wants, including wearing a cilice and flogging myself."

Campbell responded with a bit more disgust, "This whole thing is unbelievable and poorly contrived, much like a Dan Brown novel. Mr. Snyder needs to stop reading novels written on toilet paper and let people who know football run the franchise, but, hey, if he wants the long lost son of Christ to replace me, then go ahead and trade me. I'll even go to Oakland at this point."

Early reports back from Snyder's investigation into the possibility of a fourth Manning have so far only festered rumors that Drew Brees may or may not be the immaculately conceived son of Archie Manning. Brees currently plays for the New Orleans Saints.

2009 NFC East Division Preview

In the past, we broke down every team in detail before the start of the season, but this year we decided to view each division as a dysfunctional American family and base our predictions off their family trees.

Place of Residence:

As much as Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder wanna claim that the height a one's mountain, the size a one's shack, the greenness a one's valley, the depth a one's crick, or the hiddenness a one's holler matter, they don't. Blood-stained earth is blood-stained earth, and no city slicker or law man is ever goin' to convince this family or that family that a big screen TV or a slick coat of paint makes up fer years a playin' cowboys and Indians with real guns and real knives. Would a new house in DC help one fergit the sound of a snapped bone? Does chargin' the cousins exorbitant amounts a money tuh see a donkey show in Texas help one fergit the jarring of one's cerebellum? Well, maybe that one's true, but it's also true that Asa Harman McCoy was murdered in a cave, comin' home from a war, and that's why Plaxico Burress can't go nowhere without packin' heat and Donovan can't go as fer as his property ends without havin' to call up his crazy brother Michael, who rumor has it cuts men up like they was dogs with broken liquor bottles.

Vacation Spot:

Ain't such a thing. Has you ever been to Philly?

Favorite Pastime:

Club murderin' and ax killin' each other. The fun comes in pickin' out a weapon, and the relaxin' comes in not havin' to hide the body but jus' leavin' it as a warnin' to tyrants, sayin' somethin' along the lines of don't tread on us, bastard sons of a dog-faced mother.

Teach's Prediction:

I thought this was our worst comparison yet because we're comparing the division that has the most Super Bowl wins in history to a bunch of hillbillies, who fight to the death over things like the number of notches on a pig's ear. Then I thought about how we all reference the Hatfield's and McCoy's, but none of us know the reasoning behind the feud, which is similar to how we're all subjected to hearing how this division is the most talented in football, year after year, without any real reasoning behind such claims. How can a division that is always said to be the best one currently in football possess only one Super Bowl winner in 13 years, only two Super Bowl appearances in that same time span, and have its marquee team not win a playoff game since this year's college class of freshmen started kindergarten?

I also don't know what reasoning anyone could come up with to pick a winner in this division right now, before the season starts. One of these teams is always much better than people predict, and at least one of them is always much worse.

The Redskins offense continues to sputter in the preseason, but the defense has the potential to be scary good. I think T.O.'s absence from the Cowboys will help their offense, but they struggled on defense all last year and lost some of their best defensive players this offseason. The two safest teams to bet on in this division are Philly and New York. Philly has the horribly underappreciated and constantly slept on Donovan McNabb, but there's always the question of his and Brian Westbrook's health. I think it's inevitable one of them misses serious time, and I don't think Michael Vick will be ready to carry their weight; so I'm picking the Giants to finish first. I like their defensive line. I like Brandon Jacobs, and I think Eli stands a chance of proving he can play quarterback without Plaxico.

Langston's Prediction:
The Cowboys have the highest expectations. They cut loose of all their extra baggage and built a new stadium, where you get to pay an enormous amount of money to eat pizza, watch the game on tv, and not see the field. They also have one of the best running back combos in football, one of the most dynamic pass rushers in the league, and maybe the best tight end in football, but after that, there isn't much else. This team doesn't have the receiving threats or the secondary to win this division, and Wade Phillips is still their coach.

The Redskins have the best defensive player in the game, Clinton Portis, Santana Moss, Chris Cooley and defensive rookie of the year candidate Brian Orakpo; however, this team needs Jason Campbell to elevate his game. If he doesn't, then he and Jim Zorn will both be looking for jobs in the spring.

The Eagles may have the most talented offensive team in football, with Westbrook and LeSean McCoy in the backfield, Desean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin running routes, and Jason Peters coming in to protect the QB. Their defense is solid, but they would be better if they hadn't let Dawkins leave. All the pundits are picking them to win the division and possibly the Super Bowl, but I say beware because the offseason champs always let you down. The defense has its holes, and if the offense has an off day, then this team has the potential to lose big. They also lost their best coach Jim Johnson, a loss that a lot of people are overlooking.

The Giants have the best defensive line in football, a great running back combo, and a good offensive line. The rookie receivers Hakeem Nicks, Ramses Barden, and Travis Beckum will have to produce right out the gate, and they need Mario Manningham to step up his game. If Eli and his young core of receivers can find a groove, then they can play with any team in the league. This team has the right balance on offense and defense to win the division, and I expect them to do just that.

Zorn, worst coach in America?

Today Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn did the typical weekly press conference. The Zorn Star was feeling a little down over the teams recent play and decided to share his thoughts with the media:

"It hurts. I feel like the worst coach in America. [The players] risk a lot.
They put out tremendous effort, tremendous emotion to go out and play. We can
win some of these games. I have a hard time looking at the talent and just
saying that's [the problem] and moving on."

Although it was refreshing to hear the coach, who has been criticized for patting himself on the back after wins and pointing the finger post-losses, take the blame for the travesty of a game in Cincinnati. It is even more of a breath of fresh air when you consider he is going through the first step of recovery, which is admitting that your powerless to below average defensive schemes. In the second step he needs to understand that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. The rest Zorn and yourselves can read right here, but after he goes through with the second step we won't really have a need for Zorny. So we have that going for us.

Quick thought on the NFL

With the Redskins down 14-0 to the one-win Bengals, they are on the brink of losing their third straight game and losing five out of the last six. Couple their dissarray on the field with the public slamming of the head coach by Portis and the availability of the Chin, I wonder how long it will take Daniel Snyder to hand this note to the Zorn star.

The number of the day is:

100, for the Washington Nationals lost their 100th game last night. The first time the franchise has lost that many games since the Montreal Expos were 55-107 in 1976. Ryan Howard hit his major league-leading 48th homer, Joe Blanton pitched six effective innings, and as the Nationals reached a terrible milestone the Phillies moved closer to clinching the NL East title with an 8-4 victory. The Phillies' magic number for winning their second straight division championship was reduced to one after the New York Mets lost 6-1 to the Florida Marlins.

Also of note, Jimmy Rollins set a career-high with his 47th stolen base. He's been caught just three times. Ryan Howard's 32 RBIs this month are a team record for SeptembeR, he also leads all first basemen with 10 errors.

The number of the day is:

5, as in the number of games the Nationals, Padres, and Mariners have to lose to reach a 100 loss season. Joining the dubious 100 loss club is quite the anti-achievement but out of the three clubs on pace to do it, who is the most disappointing? Well its not the Nationals, nothing much was expected of this club, they have a low payroll and are building for the future. Even though they won the NL West last season, its not the Padres. The brass in San Diego shouldn't have expected much out of this club. They can't hit, they play in a pitcher's park, yet their defense is average and their outfield is very slow. The team will be big sellers and start its rebuilding this off-season. In my mind, it is definitely the Mariners. With all the money and moves they had made in the off-season they were expected to be playoff contenders, not 100 game losers. Their payroll is roughly $117 million. Previously the worst team to ever spend $100 million or more was the 2003 New York Mets, who wound up losing 95. The Mariners have already matched New Yorks dreadful 2003 season. They will have to go 10-0 just to finish with the same record as the Mets of 2003, and 6-4 to finish without 100 losses. The Mariners are a relatively young team and should learn from this tough season, or you would at least hope so. They have started their youth movement in the last month of the season and look towards 2009 to be the season they make their playoff run.

The number of the day is:

10, for the Nationals who lost 10-13 to the Mets last night. I bet your asking, how is that 10 relevant? Well the Nationals have only 10 more games to lose before they reach that magical abyss that is a 100 loss season. The Nationals currently have a record of 56-90, and are tied with the San Diego Padres for the worst record in baseball. Both teams could possibly finish with less than 100 losses, but what would be the point? If your going to be bad, why not be historically bad? The Nationals road to 100, includes series with the aforementioned Padres, Phillies, Mets, and Marlins.

The Detroit Tigers were the last team to reach this accomplishment of retrogression, they did it with a record of 43-119 in 2003. If the Nationals do reach 100 losses, they would be the third Washington baseball team to do so. The original Senators pulled off the feat twice, in 1904 and 1909.