Year in Review: Eat, Prey, Dinosaur

Indominus Rex (voiced by Julia Roberts) had everything a modern genetically engineered dinosaur that never actually existed is supposed to dream of having - a security guard, a playpen with thermal sensors, a crane with a meat hook - yet like so many dinosaurs that were actually part of the historical record, she found herself lost, confused, and rampaging for what she really wanted in life. 

Indiana Jones & the Starbucks of Doom

As the Nazis waged their war on Christmas, Indy lectured at the university. However, he was soon informed that whatever crisis he had long studied in the tomes of all history was right outside his door. The Nazis were planning to replace his favorite coffee chain’s signature holiday cups and threaten to change history once and for all. He knew he had to prevent the coming of this final judgment, but he had a splitting headache in the temple of his brain. He would need coffee, and he would need it ASAP.

Gut Reaction to Selection Sunday: Kentucky Edition

From the perspective of a UK fan:

Possibly the most shocking event in UK's quest to repeat will turn out to be the moment between these two.

Well, I was disappointed to see the committee didn't give my Wildcats byes all the way through to the championship game like they deserve. Still, I can't complain about not having to play anyone until the round of eight. All in all, this gives me more time to Google pictures of Ashley Judd. I think given another fourteen days or so I can find one that's at the perfect angle for photoshopping my face in place of Dickie V's, although I believe doing so might be a more difficult task than the Harrison twins repeating. Do you think Karl-Anthony Towns gets to kiss Ashley Judd? What about Wynonna? He's had to have kissed Wynonna, right? Seriously, Dickie V, wow, I always thought it would be Coach K.

Men with pretentious tongues taste pumpkin beers

Everything the title suggests, this post has (men with serious tongues describing how beers taste like pumpkins):

Green Bay's Randall Cobb: 'We know the power that we have.'

These were the words of the Green Bay wide receiver after the team defeated the Carolina Panthers this past Sunday, but such words speak to a greater truth inside the Packers locker room than Aaron Rodgers' having thrown 192 straight passes without an interception. Clearly when Cobb references the power that we have  he is not speaking of a mere playbook or any particular individual's talent. No, he is speaking of something at which both fans and opponents should marvel.

Unbeknownst to NFL insiders and neophytes alike, Ted Thompson has been searching globe and galaxy not for talent but for trinkets. Behold the reasons for Green Bay's power:

Mike McCarthy is now in possession of not only all the Marvel DVDs but the actual Infinity Gauntlet.

And yet, because McCarthy is an emotional void, he only implements the Infinity Gems on obvious passing downs and against inferior opponents.

Still, this is enough for Randall Cobb to know that the offense runs on more than precision and pass blocking. Rather it runs on Space, Time, Reality, Mind, and Soul.

Writing at BallerBall

What happened to all the sports talk?

Are You Pop Enough?

The San Antonio Spurs, by way of their own choice or our neglect, have always been difficult not necessarily to appreciate but to love. I differentiate between these two terms because, after all, what is every San Antonio Spurs article other than a lament about how they are always underappreciated, overlooked, or devoid of style, which in essence means that they are actually appreciated, or at least respected. However, in merely respecting a team formalities abound and politeness chains the narrative to a collection of cliches: Tim Duncan is eternally fundamental, just one of the guys--always--and his coach and teammates love him dearly for it, but never the fans.

And, perhaps in the relationship between Popovich and Duncan is where much of the discomfort with the San Antonio Spurs begins. The relationship between a coach and his players, like all relationships where one party is the elder, boils down to a figurative representation between parent and child, father and son, mother and daughter, and the relationships between most NBA superstars and their coaches (as well as ownership) unfold like four-year old tantrums in the checkout line of the supermarket. Kobe Bryant pouts until he is given the right toys for a supporting cast, or Dwight Howard cries on command when he needs extra attention. NBA franchises, their owners, their GMs, and their coaches often treat basketball players as spoiled brats and then act surprised when players meet their expectations--the same can be said of many parents--but the San Antonio Spurs have never quite done so with Tim Duncan. And a large part of that difference is Gregg Popovich.

The NBA Lockout Ends: Kobe & MJ Talk In Prison

The Lockout is over, but sports fans aren't exactly parading in the streets, at least not in the way they did for the NFL, which should tell everyone something about the NBA: even when it's doing well, it's not like it used to be. Something has been severed between fans over the age of say 30 and the League, and that severance goes back to Michael Jordan's retirement and the contemporary players chasing after his legacy. And with Jordan, as an owner, sitting opposite a younger generation during the Lockout, his competitive nature took on a new edge, that of a reluctantly bitter father. Some will say his recent behavior tarnished his legacy; personally, I think he is what he always was. You be the judge:

“Someone here to you, Mr. Jordan,” said the pink blushing security guard with a bit more fear and respect than he should have.

LCB Exclusive: Charles Woodson's Uppercut Training Video

During the offseason and the coinciding lockout, NFL players tried a variety of activities to stay in shape, to maintain focus, to simply pass the time, and Charles Woodson was no different. No, he didn't go on Dancing with the Stars, return to his college alma mater, or take on a job as a day laborer. No, Charles Woodson spent every day quickening his reflexes with the likes of Sub-Zero, Scorpion, and Liu Kang, and with our immense investigational resources, we accessed the following bit of exclusive training footage:

Exploring the NBA Lockout: Joshua Childress Colombo

While the NBA Lockout hits the doldrums and many players contemplate the spices and gold of far off lands, we reflect on some of our world's earliest explorers and their contributions to history:

When they sailed west from Spain, the five Brothers Columbus felt as if they were embarking not so much as emissaries and viceroys but as kings themselves. In a journal belonging to one of the brothers were the words: "We will enter the Garden of Eden that surely awaits us as the Four Horsemen of Revelations," to which a hurried hand added later, "only there are five of us and we happen to be neither evil nor pestilent." Then, after the fleet split, the winds died and the sun grew hot, and the men thirsty.

Exploring the NBA Lockout: Koberigo Vespucci

While the NBA Lockout drags on and many players contemplate a voyage abroad, we reflect on some of our world's earliest explorers and their contributions to history:

Christopher Columbus may have never felt betrayed by the achievements of Amerigo Vespucci, but Amerigo's brother, Koberigo, did, not even lending to them the kindness of the word "achievement." In one of his scarce letters, Koberigo writes to his brother, "I will not tell you how your ass tastes, for I am leaving such matters to the sharks that will surely feed on the wrecked flesh of you and your crew, such bloated tyranny deserves only blood and the ocean's salt."

LCBInsider: The Reason for Riggleman's Resignation

When the dust finally settled in the June haze of another humid District of Columbia baseball game, the hometown Washington Nationals not only were 2-1 winners over the visiting Seattle Mariners, but they were also a .500 ball club and winners of ten out of their last eleven ball games. Still, all this success wasn't enough for manager Jim Riggleman, whose Secretariat sized heart cringes at the thought of even one individual not getting what they deserve at the end of the day. Riggleman is a man who believes in hard work coming to fruition, and when hard work proves fruitless, it breaks his Progressive little heart, which is why Washington Nationals' mascot, Teddy Roosevelt, is the heart of Riggleman's resignation.

American Idol Judges the NBA's Eastern Conference Playoffs

Ryan Seacrest: We're down to sixteen contestants and breaking it all down for us tonight will be our three judges, offering up their best advice and critiques of the eight teams representing the League's Eastern Conference.

Brett Favre Discusses Why the End of His Streak Isn't a Big Deal

When LCB caught up with Brett Favre, he was wearing a pair of crocs and had his arm in a sling. The gray stubble around his cheeks and jaw also suggested he had seen better days. His streak of 297 consecutive regular season starts, 321 games if you count the Playoffs, had just come to an end. He limps. He aches. He grimaces. The man has nothing left to live for, to define him, to give his every day leading up to Sunday meaning.

After the literal snapping of his streak, it feels safe to say that all football's iron man has left in his life is an embarrassing ruling on his texting habits and the grave, which is exactly what LCB asked the gun slinger whose pistol couldn't make it out of its holster to face the New York Giants on Monday night: "What now, Brett?"

A Day in the Life: Kevin Garnett

Late Tuesday night, I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.  I answered the phone with the typical excitement one has for a phone call at 2:30 in the morning. Fully expecting a drunken conversation with a forgotten friend, I was ready to answer, mumble it's late, and hang up, but to my surprise, the call was from Kevin Garnett's agent returning my request to interview a player I've always admired for his defensive intensity,  all-around skill, and passion for the game. That was in April and I never expected any feedback, let alone an interview. After all, I am just an unknown blogger for an unknown blog from an unknown town in Virginia.  Not everything goes as expected.  I got an interview with KG, and Game 3 of the NBA Finals may not have been the moment of crisis that everyone believed it to be.

Before arriving at the cafe in Chestnut Hill (where we agreed to meet), I was overcome with a nervous energy after thinking of the pure intensity with which he plays, and I wondered to myself if this volatility is for real or if it's all a show.  And who could blame me: what with all the incessant screaming, chest pounding, and browbeating. No one could be that intense, or could they? That's when I found out the truth. I walked up to the all-star, greeted with a hug, and as I escaped his embrace I got the following shot where he screamed at the top of his lungs about the availability of his favorite breakfast pastry.

This was certainly the most interesting situation I had ever been in, being screamed at  about the availability of scones, a snack usually reserved for quiet tea parties, hosted by gentle grandmothers. I tried my best to take it in stride. We had coffee. He had the scones he was looking for and we moved on to the next stop, the neighborhood grocery store. As we were entering the store, I wondered to myself what could he possibly be shopping for, I mean he must have a personal chef that does the shopping and cooking for him. Then I noticed KG was already at the other side of the grocery store, moving a mile a minute and talking even faster. Somehow I caught up to him, only to have him yell at me once again.

After his agent explained to him that I was not an employee of the Whole Foods store and that I'm the photographer following him for the day, he responds by informing me he just really needs apple sauce, that his craving for the food burns deep within his gut, and I didn't question the man or his cravings, no matter how odd they appeared to be.

We searched for apple sauce over the next twenty minutes.  He wanted "the southern kind with the redneck on the jar" (I was previously unaware that there was more than one type of apple sauce). Thankfully, I found someone who worked there. Before explaining what I was looking for, the clerk said "You're here with KG aren't you? Here's the apple sauce he wants." Dumbfounded, I asked how he knew what we wanted, and without skipping a beat, the clerk states, "KG comes in here twice a day for the same thing, and he never remembers where it is."

After handing off the apple sauce to Kevin, he responded by beating his chest and putting his head through a glass door in the milk aisle. After regaining his composure, we headed to his last errand. The last stop would be to pick out his outfit for the local Emmy's, for which he was presenting an award for best public access show. Once inside the clothier, I sat down expecting a long drawn out search for the perfect suit. Before I could check my watch for the time he appeared from out of nowhere dressed in a tux.

At that point, he introduced himself as if he were James Bond, prompting me to decide that my time was up, the interview was over. I had learned almost nothing about the man, other than when he screams that it's not just for show. It's just who he is, whether on the basketball court or in a grocery store looking for apple sauce. The man is G, KG! and he wants everyone to know that the Celtics still have a few bullets left in their gun--consider Game 4 a warning shot.

LCBInsider: Unfounded Rumors

-With the death of legendary coach John Wooden, God holds a press conference that he now has a coach to maximize the basketball talent in heaven.

-After Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Pau Gasol mistakes Kevin Garnett for a pelican drenched in oil.

-Ken Griffey, Jr. takes nap in his own house, missing his at bat in family kickball game.  This missed at bat will probably also cost Griffey his chance at being the greatest kickball player of all-time.  

-MLB commissioner Bud Selig vows that in an effort to avoid future missed calls he will rewatch all six seasons of LOST and the Back to the Future trilogy, stating that time travel will be less detrimental to the game's integrity than mandatory instant replay in the ninth inning.

-Below is a performance by K'Naan of his song "Flag Wavin,'" the official song of the 2010 FIFA World Cup.  This performance took place at LCB Headquarters.


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The above photo is courtesy of the sports blog Last Row: Not the Front Row.  Check it out.

LCB Recap: Steve Nash on TLC

The following is text taken from the popular daytime television show "What Not To Wear":

Meet Steve, a basketball player from Canada who has recently come down with a case of the uglies. Normally, being just another ugly Canadian would be no problem; however, he has some important business dates coming up that he cannot miss. To make matters worse, these meetings are in image-obsessed Los Angeles where being ugly could have him in the business of losing before the meeting even starts. So that's where we come in. Over the past two days, we've been working with Mr. Nash to find the look that best suits him. Stay tuned for the results

Obama Care Expands NCAA Tournament

Thousands--maybe even hundreds-- of tea baggers gathered outside of the NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis today in order to protest the probable expansion of the NCAA basketball field from 64 to 96 teams, citing the tournament's expansion as another reason for why Obamacare is a horrible idea.

There are approximately 347 schools that play Division I basketball, and, currently, out of those 347, only 65 make the NCAA tournament, that's a mere 18.7%.  If the tournament expands to 96 teams, then tournament coverage will reach 27.6% of the teams in Division I.  Proponents of expansion believe that this plan will provide not only hope but tangible benefits to several more mid-majors as well as those teams in premier conferences that struggle to run wind sprints, much less make baskets.

When questioned about the Tea Bag Party protests outside his office door, NCAA president Myles Brand responded, "Look we're just trying to reach out and aid the little guy here.  When people fill out their brackets, they love the Gonzaga, Butler, and George Mason stories; we're just trying to give them more of that.  Why have one Cinderella every year, when you can have her step sisters too?  Plus, it's not like we're not compromising with the fans that are against expansion.  Originally, we were going to open the tournament up to every Division I team because the chance to play for a championship is something all teams should have."  

But not everyone is drinking what Brand is brewing.  One stereotypical tea bagger responded to Brand's remarks with some false analogy about the American Revolution, the Founding Fathers, and Robert E. Lee  by saying, "All these teams do have a chance for a championship.  It's called win the games on your schedule from November to February.  I mean, if you want Health Care, get a job.  I don't care if it's a recession--get a job!  I've got health care and my Kentucky Wildcats made the tournament, and I sure as hell didn't need a black president to give me either one.  No taxation without representation!"  For clarification, Miles Brand is not an African-American, and the Democrats' Health Care plan actually makes no mention of providing federal funding to college basketball programs or about expanding the NCAA tournament.

However, while not directly responsible for the expansion proposal, several tea baggers do feel that the President probably pressured the NCAA into this decision.  Those who follow this line of thinking question, "How could he not have anything to do with it?  All he does is shoot baskets and fill out brackets. When I watch CBS or CNN now, I can't tell if I'm watchin' Obama or that Clark Kellogg guy."

Rush Limbaugh backed this tea bagger,  belaboring that the distance between  Obama's healthcare plan and Brand's expansion plan is as thin as Hitler's socialist mustache: "This communist, socialist, fascist, anarchist, left wing, chicken wing, hokie pokie, liberal administration is all about pulling a fast one over on the American people.   Because of their socialist agenda to help everyone, they're all about helping the themselves, the liberal elite.  If you read the fine print of Obamacare, not only will you go blind, but you will see that they plan on paying for this by taxing our NCAA tournament bracket pool winnings.  All this guy does is smoke cigarettes, like Fidel smoked cigars, and find ways to cheat Americans out of the money they made by neglecting their real jobs to fill out brackets, and, now, that he's got a hand in our bracket pool money he's trying to make that pool deeper by adding more teams.  And the answer from me is 'hell no,' Senor Presidente.  We don't want your UAB's or Virginia Tech's."

Republican Sarah Palin, who played basketball in high school, believes that the possible expansion of the field is one of the most important issues facing America today.  "This story is everywhere I look in the news, from Sports Center to PTI; it's not going anywhere, just like we, the great American people are not going anywhere.  Eventually, one of us will have to budge, and I'm here to do the pushing.  I pushed kids out my loins, so I sure as hell can push this out too.  I'm saying yes to running for NCAA president in 2012, so I can say 'hell no'  to 96.  This is outright socialism, as much as public schools, public libraries, and wildlife conservatories are, and we're not gonna take it. "  This 2012 presidential hopeful then exited the stage to the sounds of Twisted Sister blasting out of the speakers, and the entire crowd chanting, like teenagers who've just been grounded, "No, we're not gonna take it. . ANNNNNNYYYYYY MOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEE!"

Conservative George Will, who is not a tea bagger, points out that expanding the tournament is actually not socialism, commenting on the fact that the expansion is actually driven by capitalism and greed and is not an effort to crown the little guy king.  He then went onto say that he's distressed by the fact that this conversation is even taking place during such an important moment in American history: the first few weeks of baseball season.

In defense of President Obama's elitism, an idea that actually flies in the face of socialism, the last two tournament brackets he filled out saw him pick the frontrunner each time (UNC in 2009 and KU in 2010), not the underdog.  What does that have to do with the health care debate?  Probably not much, but everything else apparently does.

Click here for a look at what a 96 team bracket might look like.

Since first posting this, it now looks like the NCAA might settle on 68 teams.

The Inspiration of Tiger Woods (isn't anything other than what we got in history class)

One can't help to think about it.  As the birds and the bees come out into the warming air, one recognizes that the wedding season is upon us.  Pollen coats everything from flowery bedspreads to car hoods, and, while many of us contemplate "for better or for worse," The Masters provides a backdrop of beautiful dogwoods and budding azaleas--the perfect setting for the recitation of vows and eternal swearings of love--but what often goes forgotten in this time of new beginnings is the worker bee, the man who carries the well-being and responsibility of the hive not out of love but out of duty; and that is why this Masters is so special.  Tiger Woods, the most chastened of worker bees, is offering men everywhere a symbol of hope and inspiration.

The Morning after the Pro Bowl

Scientists and prognosticators the world over anticipated mass destruction as a result of the Pro Bowl's move from its traditional offseason time slot to the week before the Super Bowl. ESPN called for a plague of volcanic eruptions while Sports Illustrated predicted great fissures in the ocean's floor. Islands would be moved. Fire would rain down, and human lives would be lost. The catastrophe would be so huge and wide-sweeping that there would be no escape.

Experts in the human psyche, such as Mike Greeny and Mike Golic, even took days out of their busy schedules of debating health care and gays in the military to critique and pontificate the results of such a large scale disaster that at its best would only be the beginning of the apocalypse and not the end of the Earth's final days..

Golic struggled to describe his worst fears of the possible devastation, yelling, "Awwww! C'mon! This doesn't matter. It's an exhibition of players I've never even heard of," which many took as Golic's giving up on life, that his expertise on the movements of tectonic plates and buffet lines allowed him to see that the NFL in no way could recover from such drastic changes in such a short period of time. Greeny, on the other hand, took a more meticulous approach, muttering, "Hold on, Golic, quit choking on chili dawgs and take a look at this. It could be interesting. Some people might watch it now."

However, Golic was too far gone into an abyss of jiggling jello and steaming hush puppies to see any signs of hope, yelping, "It doesn't matter! Nothing matters! It's not ever going to matter! Just stop it! Oh, stop it! Yes, I'm getting seconds."

Well, Golic was wrong. The quake came and went, and didn't even register on the richter scale, to the relief of the Red Cross and other human aid programs that currently have more important work to do, but despite not causing massive tremors, flash floods, and hailstorms, the Pro Bowl did pull in its largest audience since 2000, registering approximately 12.3 million viewers.

Of course, there were light showers during most of the game, prompting Brian Orakpo to say of the elements that constantly reminded everyone watching that all of humanity sits on a precipice of despair, "Everybody came out here trying not to get hurt. . . ."

Mike Golic's heart broke when he went back for seconds, and there weren't any.