2009 NFC South Division Preview

In the past, we broke down every team in detail before the start of the season, but this year we decided to view each division as a dysfunctional American family and base our predictions off their family trees.

Family Portrait:

Place of Residence:

This family traditionally resides on the set of My Name is Earl, except it's not a television studio lot--it's real life. Only one member of the family has ever made it out of the trailer park, and that was Uncle Jon Gruden, who purchased the winning MegaBucks Lotto ticket with money he stole out of the church offering plate. Uncle Jon's reign as a Florida millionaire didn't last long; he blew all of his money on jet skis and popcorn machines.

The rest of the family has tried just about everything to get out of their double-wide, but nothing has worked. Several family members, from Billy White Shoes Johnson to Deion Sanders to Jamal Anderson, have tried to strip their way to success, but money earned on the pole tends to get spent quickly. Jerry Richardson thought he'd found the solution to all his problems, but his first husband wound up with an abusive drinking problem, which is why Jerry now settles for anything. While cousin Tommy Benson has tried everything from voodoo to deals with the devil in an effort to crawl out of the bayou swamps and marry the former Homecoming Queen, who would still have Benson involved with black magic, crossroads, and reading the innards of dead farm animals. The trailer stinks of raw animal innards.

Vacation Spot:

The family goes to Myrtle Beach for Memorial Day and the Gulf Coast for Labor Day, just like life was a John Mellencamp song. Celebrating Cinco de Mayo on every 5th of the month, not just in May, isn't that bad either.

Favorite Pastime:

What does this family not do? They lift up their shirts even when it's not Mardi Gras, they rev their engines at the Taco Bell drag strip, and they even run dog fighting rings.

Teach's Prediction:

The Atlanta Falcons will win the NFC South. They have the most balanced offense, featuring Matt Ryan, Rowdy Roddy White, and Michael Turner, along with newcomer Tony Gonzalez. Also, the defense is respectable, holding opponents to 18 points a game last year.

If the Panthers feed DeAngelo Williams the ball with any regularity, then I see them finishing second. In two of their four losses last year, Williams twice only carried the ball about 10 times for 27 yards, which is also what happened against the Cardinals in the playoffs. The Saints could up end either Atlanta or Carolina, if their defense does anything at all. Tampa has four quarterbacks no one else seems to want. How is Leftwich still not an NFL starter?

Langston's Prediction:
The Buccaneers have lost all remnants of their 2003 Super Bowl winning team, and that includes winning consistently. On the bright side, one of their players has the best name in the league, so they got that going for them.

The Panthers have talent at almost every position on the field. That includes one of the best running back combos in the league. If they want to win, both backs should be touching the ball early and often. If not, expect more videos like this from their fans. The Saints have the best passing attack in the league, led by fantasy football portent Drew Brees. His talent is enough to make this team a division contender, year-in and year-out. However, they neglected to substantially upgrade their defensive backs. The same problem that plagued the team last year will come back to haunt them this year.

Like Teach, I like the Falcons to win the division. Matty Ice and the offense will be good, but they will take the division because they did what the Saints did not. They improved their 24th ranked defense. With the additions of Peria Jerry, Lawrence Sidbury, Chris Owens, and William Middleton, the Falcons should have enough defensive depth to rise above the rest of the division.