Experts in the human psyche, such as Mike Greeny and Mike Golic, even took days out of their busy schedules of debating health care and gays in the military to critique and pontificate the results of such a large scale disaster that at its best would only be the beginning of the apocalypse and not the end of the Earth's final days..
Golic struggled to describe his worst fears of the possible devastation, yelling, "Awwww! C'mon! This doesn't matter. It's an exhibition of players I've never even heard of," which many took as Golic's giving up on life, that his expertise on the movements of tectonic plates and buffet lines allowed him to see that the NFL in no way could recover from such drastic changes in such a short period of time. Greeny, on the other hand, took a more meticulous approach, muttering, "Hold on, Golic, quit choking on chili dawgs and take a look at this. It could be interesting. Some people might watch it now."
However, Golic was too far gone into an abyss of jiggling jello and steaming hush puppies to see any signs of hope, yelping, "It doesn't matter! Nothing matters! It's not ever going to matter! Just stop it! Oh, stop it! Yes, I'm getting seconds."
Well, Golic was wrong. The quake came and went, and didn't even register on the richter scale, to the relief of the Red Cross and other human aid programs that currently have more important work to do, but despite not causing massive tremors, flash floods, and hailstorms, the Pro Bowl did pull in its largest audience since 2000, registering approximately 12.3 million viewers.
Of course, there were light showers during most of the game, prompting Brian Orakpo to say of the elements that constantly reminded everyone watching that all of humanity sits on a precipice of despair, "Everybody came out here trying not to get hurt. . . ."
Mike Golic's heart broke when he went back for seconds, and there weren't any.
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