LCB Interviews: Lil Wayne

Here at LCB HQ we rarely come across celebrities, but last year we were lucky enough to get in contact with today's guest. He has contributed here in the past, but due to his recent successes he hasn't been around in a while. So we figured it was a perfect time to interview him. This man has gone multi-platinum, won a ton of Grammy awards, and has even appeared on ESPN as a blogger and an analyst. So without further ado let me introduce none other than Lil Wayne himself. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to answer some of our questions, we really appreciate it.

Lil Wayne:
It isn't a big deal. As I climb that mountain to bein the next Skip Bayless, Woody Paige, or Katie Couric--gotta love Katie. She's on my favorite network CBS, which I've loved since Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens. That was the best Monday night lineup, but my favorite Monday night lineup for CBS is the one they got now. Start off with Big Bang Theory. It's got that one dude who looks like a six foot E.T. I'm part extra-terrestrial myself. Then you got How I Met Your Mother, probably by poppin' bottles with Birdman, who is the black Barney Stinson that doesn't wear suits. Then you got Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen is a pimp. He even has little girls lining up to buy his clothing line. Someday I plan on having little girls lining up to buy my clothes. I hope CBS really figures out what to do with that fourth time slot. I'm not really engaged to Rules of Engagement. I digged Worst Week Ever. That dude got in some crazy predicaments. Predicament is on my word of the day calendar. I might drop a line using it on my next album. It'll probably go "I'm in a predicament, or should I say I'm in a pre-erectionment, meaning I'm not quite cement, but have no fear you'll soon hit the pavement." I don't know, man. Times are crazy, but I stay busy. Working keeps my mind off the recession, but I still love everybody that don't got a job.

LCB:
Well you can never underestimate CBS, can you? So back to you Lil' Wayne. Recently you have been blogging on ESPN along with making appearances on a slew of their shows. Since working for the World Wide Leader, do you think that you have become a bigger and/or a smarter fan?

Lil' Wayne:
Man, you're really comin' at me hard today. These are some Plato and Aristotle questions, and I don't mean Shaq. No offense, I got love for the Big Aristotle, and he's a smart dude, but these are the kinds of questions that make my head throb like a hangover with bass. Speaking of bass, yall should cover more bass fishing on your blog. I love bass fishing. There's so many fish in the sea. You see what I did there. I went from bass in your car to bass fishing to making some sexual innuendo. I probably got that from Around the Horn. They jump topics like crazy, but Tony Realli's a cool dude. Maybe I should call him Socrates for teaching me this here logic cause life's kind of like a rubik's cube. You just try and match up the squares and hope you get to Hollywood. I love me some game shows too. Truth is I'm probably ready for Jeopardy by now.

LCB:
I have no idea how you could start with Plato and end with Jeopardy, but its truly astonishing. Your like the hip-hop version of Robin Williams, but you don't do as many drugs. Anyways I don't want to keep you too long from your busy schedule, so one last question for the road: If you could play scrabble with 3 people, dead or alive, who would it be?

Lil' Wayne:
Just 3 people. That's tough. I mean, if you take just 3 people out of all the people that's lived ever, that's a low batting average. That's Mendoza line low. I know a thing or two about bein' low and gettin' low. Did that go over your head? Let me put it to you this way. I accidentally shot myself Cheddar Bob style, but I still got plenty of pussy cats meowing up my tree. Feel me, so number one on my list of people to Spelling Bee with is Mario Mendoza cause I got love for how he handled that situation. He took being awful and got paid. I mean, he's gotta get paid every time someone mentions the Mendoza line, right? That's G.

Have you seen those commercials. I love them. I really love what Gatorade's doing with the electrolytes. We're in tough economic times, but they're still hydratin' the people. People may be gettin' let go from their jobs or kicked out of their homes, but they ain't thirsty; and those JabbawockeeZ is crazy awesome, like vodka with twice the Red Bull, but I digress. I really love the JabbawockeeZ cause they remind me of one of my favorite children's stories, Alice in Wonderland. Reading Lewis Carroll's poem "Jabberwocky" really took me through the looking glass with my rhymes. Dude is on point when he says, "Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch!" I mean he's got words that Webster don't even know, so I'd have to play Scrabble with Mr. Carroll just for the challenge, G.

This last spot is tough, but I got to go with T Pain or God. God is the Word, and the Word is God. I mean that's deep, but God is also the three in one; so that might be like having five people if he brings his whole self, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Plus, how am I gonna beat a dude in Scrabble who rose from the dead. T Pain's hot right now. He's Midas when he touches something, so I'll probably talk to my publicist and see what would get this Scrabble game heard--God of T Pain. Still, it's gonna be right with my boys Mendoza and Carroll. Might not even matter who else shows up.

LCB:
Once again thanks for your time, it truly was a pleasure to sit down with you. I hope we can do this again. Good luck with all of your current and future projects.

Lil' Wayne:
Much love and appreciation. "'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves/ Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;/ All mimsy were the borogoves,/ And the mome raths outgrabe." Think of that as a sneak peak as where I'm taking this hip hop game. Peace.

Major League Baseball Playoffs (ramblings)

When your team finishes 72-90, the Major League Playoffs can feel more like a reminder of how bad your team is than a display of the game's best teams going against each other. One can grow jealous, frustrated, and indifferent, watching teams that stayed healthier, developed their farm systems better, and managed their money better than the team one dedicated a whole summer to supporting. One can begin to feel like the kid who missed the first word in the spelling bee and now has to watch the rest of it.

If one's own team is not in the playoffs, then one has to find other plot lines to follow; other cars to bark at and chase down the street. Here are the shiny objects that have me barking this fall:

AL Divisional Rounds
ANGELS vs. RED SOX

People keep telling me the Yankees missed the playoffs, but I swear I saw Dice K slated to pitch on Friday. Wait, what? He pitches for Boston, not New York? Those are different franchises? I thought the Rays beat the New Boston Yank Sox for the division title? Seriously, the histories of New York and Boston are so intertwined they should be contracted into one franchise. Also, that would open up a lot more games on ESPN and FOX's TV schedules.

The Angels, on the other hand, have always been a favorite of mine. I didn't like the Rally Monkey, but I love Angels in the Outfield, a film starring the most underrated actor of his generation, Tony Danza, and Adrian Brody, in a performance that trumps his Oscar-winning one in The Pianist.  Matthew McConaughey has never been this good again either.  In fact, if not for this film, I doubt the Angels even exist.  Plus, they feature Vladimir Guerrero, the Tony Danza of baseball.  Seriously, Who's the Boss should never have been green-lighted, but Tony's charisma made it happen.  Guerrero should not be a career .323 hitter, considering the pitches he chases, but somehow he does it, just like Danza somehow kept the house clean with an effortless, "Heeey!!!" 


I'm pulling for the Angels because this is their chance to show why they deserve more attention from the baseball world; it's their chance to show the baseball world "who's the boss." (insert cheesy Tony Danza grin here)

RAYS VS. WHITE SOX

A tin man would root for the Rays. Afterall, they are the underdog, and they have heart, according to Lil Wayne, who describes their blood pumping organ as amazingly unexplainable. He also adds a wow, a great, and a list of his top 15 favorite teams in every sport, all like 85 of them. I would agree with Lil' Wayne, except he has ESPN tattooed on his right arm. I still question his dedication to his picks, until he gets ESPN2 tattooed on his left arm. Let's just say I'm skeptical and pulling for the White Sox because I went to Tampa this summer, and it's filled with Yankees and Red Sox fans. The city cares more about spring training than it does its own team.

The White Sox, on the other hand, have a group of true fans, who are treated like 3/5 of a human being in their own city. Carl Sandburg once described Chicago as "the city of the broad shoulders," and the black and white uniforms of the White Sox look like they were designed for the working class. This team hits home runs like they've been lifting crates in the rail yard. The Rays may have heart, but this team has sweat, spit, and muscle. This team can't afford to have heart because their own city broke it a long time ago. The fact that there are still White Sox fans today is a testament to a minority group's perseverance in midst of an enthusiastic majority, like punk vs. disco.

Yes, the White Sox's main competition is not the team they face on the field, but the team across town they fight for headlines with. The White Sox and the Cubs is like the truth versus the fiction. In real life, players bet on games, cheat, and lose their careers. In fairy tales, gypsies cast spells because they love their goats, like Shrek loves donkey. I, for one, never understood how the gypsy and the goat got to Wrigley in the first place. Does the L pass through Transylvania?

I'm pulling for the White Sox. I'm pulling for the real life madness that is Ozzie Guillen. I'm pulling for the real life pain that is the unravelling of Ken Griffey's greatness. I'm pulling for Jim Thome. I'm pulling for the story that isn't a fairy tale because midnight comes everyday of our lives.

Who didn't imitate this swing as a kid?


NL Divisional Rounds
CUBS VS. DODGERS

Okay, I went hard on the Cubs in that bit about the White Sox, but I've never understood how the popularity of these two teams became so one-sided. Both teams have had good and bad years. Both teams have had bad luck. Both teams have had charismatic and talented players, who usually did not deliver in the clutch. 2005 was an exception, so I don't get the disparity.

Is it that the White Sox's uniforms make them look like Darth Vader, while the Cubs and their stadium make America think of chewing gum? Is it Harry Cary's voice that caused this? Is it the inability to forgive a franchise for sins committed in 1919? What was it? What is it? Does anyone know? I'd like an answer.

Anyway, I'm pulling for the Cubs to beat the Dodgers. I can't pull for a team that's from L.A. I just can't.

PHILLIES VS. BREWERS

The Phillies will win this series. The Brewers lost their chance at postseason success when Ben Sheets got hurt, but I'm pulling for the Brewers because the '93 Phillies still give me nightmares, and I wake up in a cold tobacco sweat.

________

ALCS
ANGELS VS. WHITE SOX

This series comes down to one conflict. What's been more important to America: Tony Danza or trains? It's a tough call, but "Who's the Boss?" is rarely, if ever, seen in syndication these days. I saw a train last weekend, and it was moving. Trains win, which means I'll be pulling for Jermaine Dye, Griffey, Thome, and others to keep lifting crates in the rail yard.


NLCS
CUBS VS. BREWERS

This series I hope happens. Milwaukee is like the little brother to Chicago. I don't even think Chicago worries about its little brother ever even being a serious threat on the field, and I'm not sure they should; but Chicago should worry about losing its Charlie Brown factor. Charlie Brown is always lovable. Charlie Brown never wins, and that makes us like him even more because he still plays the game no matter what. The one time he was winning, the game got rained out. The Cubs losing keeps Charlie Brown alive in Chicago. I'd hate to see Alfonso Soriano and Carlos Zambrano take Charlie Brown out in the middle of the night and tie him to the rails of the L, to get run over by a train powering its way back from Transylvania full of gypsies and goats.

Keep Charlie Brown alive!

Keep throwing the high straight ball, Cubs. We love it. Some things are more important than trophies.

My second reason for hoping the Brewers make the Series is linked to Marty McFly. McFly travelled back in time to the 1950's. I would like to travel back to the 1970's. Milwaukee is trapped in the 1970's. Brewers fans still tailgate to Led Zeppelin, using tapes, not CDs. If they win, then I think somehow that will result in all of us being transported back to the 1970's, to a time when mascots were still allowed to slide into a barrel full of beer, people lived off of sausages and cheese, and mustaches did not signify a career in pornography.  It sounds magical.  It sounds like a fairy tale, until one remembers they had lines for gas in the '70s, political corruption, and disco. Then the fairy tale becomes all too real and uncomfortably familiar, like kissing your mother, or Sarah Palin running for Vice President, or ringtones being passed off as pop songs, or... standing in line for gas. Hey, Marty, we're stuck in a time warp.



WORLD SERIES

WHITE SOX VS. BREWERS

The working class vs. time travel, that's the World Series I want.  I feel like I'm already watching it in the Presidential race.  Baseball is more poetic than politics.  Give me poetry over debates. Give me something that truly wipes the slate clean because, Atlanta, next year is our year to take on the Bourgeoisie.

I am Lil Wayne's Ghost Writer: Tha Carter #333

I apologize for the verse.

I didn't have time to rehearse;

had to watch Newman go out in a hearse.

Still, I'll edit out the curses

and come clean like I never been inside

ladies' purses.

I blend with church pews 

as much as streets

cause I blend with beats

the way few do--

like Bruce Lee and kung fu;

I'm a chameleon like Napoleon--

I attack by land and sea.

Land my fist like a check on a list.

Mic check...1...2 what is this?

I was never one for Trix.

I'm more rabbit than kid.

I'm magic.  I shoot birds dead.

Other emcees are flocks of seagulls--

one hit wonders and dull

like white bread with no crust.

I'm all ivory.  I'm elephant tusk.

Fools cut off their nuts

to get on verses with me,

but I'm no Leopold,

so I put fools on hold,

always been more a fan of berries,

like cherries,

especially when the bass pops

and I ride it to the top,

like prayers to heaven--

I get humble when air turns to wind,

and I see all our heads nod

like we were talkin' to God.

Link Scrap

Over at Big League Stew there is a great tribute article on Shea Stadium. It really is a shame that they are giving their fans somewhere nice to watch baseball.

Steven Jackson wants you to know that benching QB Marc Bulger was the "wrong decision.""He's our general," said Jackson, who then pointed out that you don't pay someone "$60-something million" and then sit him on the bench.

Allan Houston signs with the Knicks, and will attempt another comeback with his former team. Don't dust off your old 20 jersey just yet, he plans on wearing 14 in honor of his father Wade Houston.

Rumors and Rants has a story about a women who wasn’t allowed to wear her Cubs Kosuke Fukudome jersey to Casual Friday.

Mr. Irrelevant declares that this week is "D.C. Turns the Tables on Dallas Week" (with video of the Santana game)

Lil' Wayne writes his first blog for ESPN. So thats why Teach hasn't posted in a while... he's been ghostwriting Weezys' blog. Bess belee dat.

I'm Lil Wayne's Ghost Writer: Tha Carter #568

(giggles) Weeeezzzzyyyy...I wrote this one while eatin' waffles...with syrup on em....

Other emcees can't see what I see.
They're like A B C, and I'm already at Z,
so I catch me some Z's
and try not to sneeze
cause then you'd have to bless me please,
and I'm already too godly on the mic,
that's right, I'm starlight--
second star to the right.
I patrol these rhymes like a pirate.
Treat beats like seas
catch me if you please. I hear no pleas,
which means I leave bodies in my wake.
Don't even use coffee to stay awake.
I rake emcee's like they were dead leaves
and let the muse breathe.

This battle of wits ain't fair.
I'm a blue ribbon at the state fair...
the Mad Hatter and the March Hare.
You're a blink; I'm a stare.
Can't hunt me; I'm a breed that's rare.
I'm Santa; you're the tooth fairy,
except I come more than once a year.
I'm "have no fear; Brooklyn is here!"
and if papers could talk, my name is what you'd hear.

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
I runover you like dear me
I just went backwards from Z
and you were still on C...B...A....uh huh...Wwwweeeeezzzzzyyyyyy!!!!