If Aaron Rodgers is MJ, then who the heck is Philip Rivers?

"If you're Michael, then I'm Kobe." "Okay?"

Earlier this week I posted at Baller Ball about theabsurd trend of comparing Aaron Rodgers to NBA players. As a huge Green Bay fan, I get it: Aaron Rodgers plays quarterback in a way that stylistically separates him from his peers. While Tom Brady might have more Super Bowl wins, Tom Brady cannot move the way Aaron Rodgers moves. While Peyton Manning maybe Steve Jobs’ most precise invention, Aaron Rodgers is a living organism. I get it. And the more I get it, the more I understand the need to go in search of accurate Rodgers comparisons.

A conversation on the 2015-16 NFC North

We're nearing the end of the off season. Previously we've discussed the following divisions: AFC East, NFC East, AFC West, NFC West, AFC South, and NFC South. What  follows from here is a look at the NFC North:

Is that you, Teddy Bridgewater? I hardly recognized you in your state of Kafkaesque turmoil.

Minnesota Vikings

The Physics of Jordy Nelson

Physical contact had nothing to do with it. The injury happened in space, which, in a way, makes the season-ending injury to Jordy Nelson appear as it were, inevitable.

Could've vs. Should've: Yeah, Green Bay lost

Maybe I was asked because all my students know I'm a Packers fan. Or, maybe the Green Bay mug on my desk prompted the asking. Either way, doesn't matter. During the last period of the day, Oscar asked me what I thought about that game on Sunday.

2014 NFC Championship Game

Some quick points (click here for the AFC Championship game):

When Green Bay has the ball:

Eddie Lacy meet Cham Kancellor. He cancels stuff.

The Packers can't win without Eddie Lacy having a big game today. Rodgers' arm is magical, but his torn calf muscle isn't. Lacy must be the legs on offense. Every positive yard he gains potentially buys Rodgers time in the pocket.

2014 NFL Playoffs: Sunday's Divisional Round

And now on to Sunday's 2014 NFL Wild-Card games with Brendan Brody and Bryan Harvey:

Dallas Cowboys vs. Green Bay Packers @ 1:05 on Fox

These two won't be playing catch on Sunday; they'll be playing football.

Green Bay's Randall Cobb: 'We know the power that we have.'

These were the words of the Green Bay wide receiver after the team defeated the Carolina Panthers this past Sunday, but such words speak to a greater truth inside the Packers locker room than Aaron Rodgers' having thrown 192 straight passes without an interception. Clearly when Cobb references the power that we have  he is not speaking of a mere playbook or any particular individual's talent. No, he is speaking of something at which both fans and opponents should marvel.

Unbeknownst to NFL insiders and neophytes alike, Ted Thompson has been searching globe and galaxy not for talent but for trinkets. Behold the reasons for Green Bay's power:

Mike McCarthy is now in possession of not only all the Marvel DVDs but the actual Infinity Gauntlet.

And yet, because McCarthy is an emotional void, he only implements the Infinity Gems on obvious passing downs and against inferior opponents.

Still, this is enough for Randall Cobb to know that the offense runs on more than precision and pass blocking. Rather it runs on Space, Time, Reality, Mind, and Soul.

Passing Perfection: San Francisco Defeats Green Bay

The San Francisco 49ers are better than the Green Bay Packers, but I do not know if they are better by a 62 yard record-tying field goal or if they are eight points better or a whopping two touchdowns and and two two-point conversions better.

I do not know this because the replacement refs are terrible, failing to call false starts, failing to call pass interference, failing to call blocks in the the back (both on Green Bay and on San Francisco), failing to call any penalty on time or with any consistency.

Now, I am not saying the refs won or lost the game for either team, but what I am saying is that the relationship between the NFL front office and its locked out referees has become as toxic and dangerous as the relationship between Gustavo Fring and Walter White and the rest of us are having to deal with an inferior product--yes, football is America's acceptable version of meth--until they work out their labor disagreement or Roger Goodell goes all Pollos Hermanos and slits someone's throat like a chicken to end the work stoppage and usher in a new era of "normalcy."

Roger Gooddell threatening the referees.

So in other (more sane) words, Goodell needs the experienced refs because otherwise his product suffers: the games lack rhythm and drag on forever, players are put in harm's way, coaches are left turning blue in the face, and fans are left clueless in a world where logic is a yellow flag floating existentially through the air minutes after the penalty that launched it into the air no longer has any relevance because it happened several plays prior, on another team's possession, perhaps even in another game, in another time zone, maybe not even this decade or on this continent.

NFL Playoffs: Divisional Round Preview

The Divisional previews below were put together by Russ Morris, with Bryan Harvey (Teach) adding in his two cents after Russ did most of the work.

Number of the Day: The Packers and Lions' 971

It would have been easy to give the number of the day to Drew Brees, considering what he did to the Carolina Panthers yesterday, but he already had Dan Marino's passing yards record going into the game; and at some point someone here at LCB must write something more substantial about him than just a number of the day post. That said, the stat we're addressing today is the 971 combined net passing yards by the Green Bay Packers and Detroit Lions yesterday.

Number of the Day: The Pack's 14 Straight

Who has the longest win streak as a head coach of the Packers?

Aaron Rodgers is the Great Pumpkin

408 yards. Six touchdowns.  Four by air. Two by land. One interception. Twenty-nine for thirty-eight. And an offense that put up forty-nine points, in a route of Denver. But none of that told the story.

LCB Exclusive: Charles Woodson's Uppercut Training Video

During the offseason and the coinciding lockout, NFL players tried a variety of activities to stay in shape, to maintain focus, to simply pass the time, and Charles Woodson was no different. No, he didn't go on Dancing with the Stars, return to his college alma mater, or take on a job as a day laborer. No, Charles Woodson spent every day quickening his reflexes with the likes of Sub-Zero, Scorpion, and Liu Kang, and with our immense investigational resources, we accessed the following bit of exclusive training footage:

Aaron Rodgers' Mustache: What America Needs in a Time of Crisis

Aaron Rodgers, in my household and family tree, is one of those rare athletes revered for his feats of strength by the males and deemed as dreamy by the women, which is why his horseshoe mustache last night sparked quite the conversation and, for once, pitted men against women, as each gender differed in their opinions on his facial hair.

Who I'm Rooting For | Super Bowl XLV | Packers v Steelers

For what seems like the umpteenth year in a row, the Raiders are leaving me (like many other fans) without a horse in the race and no idea where to place my fleeting fandom on Sunday. Since this has become somewhat of a tradition around here, I'll take a couple factors into account and let you know who I'm rooting for. If I do my job right, I will give you enough insight to do the same. We'll use the usual categories: players, cheerleaders, fans, and other nonessential attributes for these champions of the gridiron.

• Players: Let's not put this off any longer than we have too. The Steelers have one of, if not the most, easily hatable players in the league in Hines Ward. Ha, just kidding, I was talking about accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger. While it was just an accusation, insuring we will never be 100% confident of which side to trust, he is guilty of terrible decision-making and outright creepiness. Also of note, he has a gray penis. This match-up goes to the Packers in a landslide, despite the awesomeness of this guy's beard.
• Cheerleaders: Push, neither team has them, making this the first cheerleaderless Super Bowl. Couple that together with the notion that Fergie will be in full-HD and the fans hailing from the midwest, and it makes for a Super Bowl devoid of any eye candy.
• Fans: In less than 5 minutes of the AFC Championship ending, I saw the following update from an unnamed acquaintance on Facebook: "Stairway to SEVEN!" They also swaddled a room full of babies into a brainwashed existence of adult onset diabetes and annoying fandom. If that's not enough reason to root against the Steelers, you're either a Steelers fan or a closeted one. Packers take another category.
• Fan Videos: Speaking of "Stairway to SEVEN," it's not the most absurd Steeler related play on words from once great songs. There is also this, entitled "Knockin' On Seven's Door": 

The Steelers have adopted Pittsburgh resident Wiz Khalifa's "Black and Yellow" as their song (you can see the Steelers mumbling along to it here). But it has nothing to do with the six time champs, well, apart from their color scheme. So, it doesn't count. That brings us to the Packers most notable fan song. This one was tough to pick, considering there are so many awesomely bad videos by pasty Wisconsians. So, I just picked the most famous of the fan songs. Insert Lil' Wayne's "Green and Yellow," which would be clever if Snoop and Game didn't already make "Purp and Yellow" for the Lakers or Chet Haze (the lesser known son of Tom Hanks, whose name is Chet) didn't already make "White and Purple" for Northwestern. And despite being late to this overwrought round of remixes and my inability to ignore the fact he was rooting for the Saints last year, his song still manages to clinch my impermanent devotion for Sunday. Oh and here is the video:  

So, that does it, this Sunday I will be a momentary Packer fan. Honestly, I planned for this to be a closer match-up. But I can't control which franchise is more likable. Though, it would be unfair of me to omit the reality that I went through four months of brainwashing while living in Cleveland. What? I never promised previously unknown bias built deep into the cerebellum wouldn't come into account.

Anyways, I do regret this becoming a beatdown, as it kept me from getting into the fan accessories debate of cheesehead versus terrible towel. Since I couldn't delve into this well deserving debate, I suggest reading Clay Travis' stirring anti-Towel commentary. Also of note from the "On Rocky Top" author, if you needed another reason to root for the Packers, check out his post made up entirely of Steeler's hate mail. If you're not already, that post alone will make you hit the streets to push for more public school funding. Go Pack, Go!

Green Bay vs. Chicago: Familiarity Breeds Contempt, Even in Sabretooth Tigers

In a world of assassins and mutants, everyone has a moniker, a special power, a hidden motive, but when two people meet, having shared a divisional bed, real names are used and their are no disguises to be worn or charades to be played. Sabretooth becomes Victor Creed, and Mystique can not help to hide that she is nothing more than a blue-faced whore despite her efforts to shape shift into something less noticeable and grotesque.

Today, when Clay Matthews stalks the likes of Jay Cutler, the act will be done with an emotion that is one half love and one half hate, and the vicious hits will come with a kiss that feels a lot like death. But don't be surprised if the result of such combustible personalities and dramatic stakes results in something quite ordinary, like when they last met and the score was a pedestrian 10 to 3. The great irony of two mutants mating is that their offspring is often born into this world as ordinary and vile as a Graydon Creed, a man whose only super power is to be cold-hearted and human. And, because their meetings often turn into stubborn genetics that cannot evolve into something grander, is it any wonder then that the Packers and Bears speak their pillow talk under the sound of a howling, bitter wind, off the shores of Lake Michigan?

Green Bay vs. Atlanta Preview: How to Cool a Sabretooth's Fire?

After burning through the only physical specimen in the League that is his equal, Clay Matthews tossed his mane and snarled, "See you later, bub," the carcass of Michael Vick resting under his cleats, with its claws not even extended--the battle was more one-sided than one would expect. Clay unleashed his savagery without regret, without restraint, and Michael played like a domesticated animal asking when to sit and when to roll over. Now, the Sabretooth prepares to hunt inside a dome, that in the Atlanta skyline resembles an ice cube staring blankly into the sun. The temperature never rises and never dips; its set to the cool beat of Matty Ice's heart: it does not falter. Perhaps the best way to slow a creature shaped by fiery furnace and heated hammer is with a flurry of play action passes and a Beast of a runningback, Michael Turner. Perhaps the only way to stop a fire is to freeze it.



Then again, what good will snow drifts and blizzards do when the anger of one's adversary was born out of the Ice Age? Could it be that the football fury that is Clay Matthews was born solely to make quarterbacks like Matt Ryan feel what it's like to shiver, to quake, to fail, to know the coldness of their flesh and veins?


The game may be indoors, but it is still a battle of elements. It is still a game of violence. And it is still about survival on a cold, desolate plain.

Green Bay vs. Philadelphia Preview: A Sabretooth Tiger and a Wolverine

Relentless and unafraid, these two warriors, with mysterious and darkened pasts, will meet tomorrow on a cold field of winter. They have both endured a season's worth of pain and anguish, their raw athleticism and deranged work ethics twisting them into a yin and yang of surly passion. The day has come when only one can survive. Clay Matthews, blonde mane flapping in the Arctic wind, is a killer by profession and bloodline, while Michael Vick, origins unknown and unfathomable, is a grizzled veteran trying to convince everyone that he has once and for all conquered his demons and is comfortable with shadows. Both can taste blood, have tasted blood, and both seek redemption inside a stadium, not knowing that such miracles occur in some place much more holy and more unreachable, and, perhaps, that's why they play so hard, because there is an anger inside them, like a blue flame, that feeds on the idea that all this hurt is for something that is no more than an amusing game.

Number of the Day: The Absolute Zero Points Green Bay Allowed against the Jets

On Halloween, the Packers' defense became the first NFL team this season to post a shutout, halting the New York Jets' five-game win streak, in which their offense had averaged 30 points per game, and according to AcmePackingCompany it was the franchise's first road shutout since 1991..  Linebacker Desmond Bishop led the way with ten solo tackles.  Clay Matthews contributed five tackles, including one sack of Mark Sanchez, and Charles Woodson and Tramon Williams each intercepted Sanchez once.  Williams also recovered a fumble, and Brandon Chillar, back from an injury, chipped in a sack as well. The interceptions were huge because they stopped potential scoring drives by the Jets.



And, while the Packers have a lot of individual talent on defense, who would have picked them to have the season's first and only shutout through week eight of the season?

A Brett Favre Breakup Letter, Part 11

Dear Brett,

You know how if a song played during an important moment of your life--first sleepover, first basketball game, first kiss, losing one's virginity, insert any other significant moment-- you tend to relive that moment whenever you hear the song, no matter when or where you hear it or how much time's gone by, that's what you've become.

No matter how far removed from your time as a Packer we Green Bay fans are, the mentioning of your stupid streak and whether or not you are going to play with a broken ankle, a concussion, a shattered vertebrae, or a tarnished legacy takes all of us back to the days when we used to spend all week holding our collective breath awaiting your decision on whether to suit up or not.  And we hoped to God you always would, your "I think I can play" sounding like a rainbow after a flood.

And, while your body was broken for that streak (and we all sat comfortably in the stands or on our couches), that streak happened in large part because we cheered.  Face it, without us you wouldn't have sacrificed shit.  You needed us, and you know it  And we're tired of you not letting this story come to a a sensible end.

We beat you and your Vikings last weekend, busted your team's hopes and two bones in your ankle, yet you couldn't let the streak end there, where it started.  No, you had to suit up and limp through a game against the Patriots today, wearing that hideous purple and gold, that purple the color of a bruise showing us that our cheeseheads and our painted bellies had nothing to do with your Messiah complex.  You didn't give a damn about our dreams.  You did this all for yourself, maybe some guys in the locker room, but the color of the uniform had nothing to do with it.  And we had nothing to do with it, and you never really cared for what we cared for.

The streak should have ended in Lambeau, your reputation limping naked through the Wisconsin wind in nothing but a pair of crocs.  Clay Matthews should have been the one to bury you. That would have been a decent ending.  That would have been coming around full circle.  But then you've always been terrible at endings, so this abomination of a season must go on, and your name must arrive in our ears like an annoying text message in the middle of the night, begging the question: why did we ever root for you in the first place?  And why can we not enjoy a 9-0 win against the New York Jets without having to be reminded at 4:00 that everything that happens to our current team is somehow related to the shit you do?

Sincerely,
a Packers fan


PS Does Ryan Longwell dress up like you for Halloween?