Kurt Rambis Hired: The Mystery of the Missing Rubio

Kurt Rambis, after days of intrigue and rumors, officially signed on as the Minnesota Timberwolves head coach. Reports on the story basically read that long-time Laker assistant coach and role player leaves sunny Hollywood for the Arctic cold, but the story should have read:

World-renowned private detective and former ace NYPD sleuth Fenton Hardy (Kurt Rambis) was hot on the trail of an infamous Los Angeles jewel thief when he received a telegram from his oldest son Frank Hardy (Al Jefferson) that his youngest son Joe Hardy (Ricky Rubio) had been kidnapped. Frank and Joe Hardy were out, on the lake, with their friend Chet Morton (Kevin Love), who was eating a ham sandwich the whole time, when their motorboat began to run low on fuel. Frank took the boat back to shore. Joe hopped out of the boat and sprinted to the dock's toolshed, but Joe never returned.

Frank and Chet waited for fifteen minutes and then began to get nervous. As they both began to sweat, Frank said, "Chet, you search the toolshed. I'll search the treeline. Flash this light once if you're in trouble and twice if you find Joe."

"But it's not even dark outside."

"Just flash the light, Chet. I'll see it; I'm a Hardy boy."

The two searched the shoreline for thirty minutes, but all they found were the remnants of a Spanish galleon, whose sails were tattered. After three more minutes, the two drove to the nearest gas station and called the local chief of police. "Can I speak to the police chief (David Kahn)? I'm Frank Hardy, and my brother Joe's been missing for 38 minutes. I think he's been kidnapped by Spanish conquistadors."

The police chief dismissed Frank's story, laughing hysterically, leading Frank to contact his father Fenton Hardy, a world-renowned super sleuth. The minute Fenton Hardy read the telegram he left for the land of ten thousand lakes, stopping briefly at the airport bookstore to purchase the text Hernando Cortes and the Conquest of Mexico.