Rick Pitino Pays for Chicken Fingers, not just Abortion

Louisville coach Rick Pitino told police that he should have known not to have sex with a woman at a restaurant that served him a sub-par chicken fingers basket.

Police support the idea that if Pitino had heeded such omens, then he would not have given Cunagin Sypher the opportunity to falsely accuse Pitino of rape and to try and extort millions of dollars from the basketball coach.

A local customer, who wishes to remain anonymous, told reporters, "No one orders the chicken fingers at that place; they're always too dry and are filled with those chunks that make you wonder if you're eating bone, cartilage, or some old lunch lady's lost tooth."

An LCB study of the chicken fingers did show them to be 27% dryer than what's considered the optimal level of moisture for a chicken finger. Tests also proved that the chicken fingers caused constipation, which might explain why Pitino was in the bathroom so long before having sex with Sypher.

Of course, the dryness of the chicken fingers was not the only warning that Pitino's actions on August 1, 2003 might not have been in his best interest. The bartender who served the coach his drinks tried to warn him about Sypher's tasteless personality, stating, "She's not a b!tch, but she definitely runs with the wolves. I mean, I tried to signal Coach Pitino by winking at him and motioning towards the lady with my head, but he didn't catch on. I just wanted him to see that she was double-dipping in his honey mustard."

When asked about the warnings from the bartender, Pitino responded, "If I cared whether or not the woman was double-dipping in my honey mustard, then I probably wouldn't have put my sperm in her. If the bartender had my best interest at heart, he would have cut me off before I took some crazy lady to a bathroom stall; I would have appreciated that and some better gourmet chicken fingers. They were worse than the sex."

Coach Pitino added that he looks forward to concentrating on the upcoming Louisville basketball season and teaching boys how to become men.

Cunagin Sypher has been indicted for extortion and is now divorced, but does maintain that double-dipping is not a crime, especially with chicken fingers that are "cock hard."

Armani hopes to capitalize on the fact that Pitino was wearing one of their suits the night he met Sypher: "The ad campaign will work as long as we have Coach Pitino ordering something more classy than chicken fingers. We may just have him stick to a very masculine drink, like a Jack and Coke. Hopefully, he'll sign off on the idea; the ad campaign could earn him some extra money and really put a positive spin on this story. It might even help with recruiting."