The Relationship between Kobe Bryant and Ron Artest

A wind rippled through the dry grass, made golden by a sunset that painted the entire yard in dreamlike hues. Phillis watched her husband sit on the front stoop like a sad, little child, his white undershirt transparent with sweat, his forehead wrinkled from pouting. She crossed her arms and wondered how long he would sit out here waiting for his dog, Ron, to come home.

NBA Finals Recap: Jumping to Conclusions

I want to start off with a sincere apology for the extensive delay of my recap for the NBA finals; however, this delay did not come without reason and was partially done for the sake of sanity or at least the illusion of sanity.  Had I written this on Thursday, or even yesterday, I would have come off as a psycho, drunk on the successes of men I don't know and will never meet. Ever since the Lakers notched their second straight championship I could barely contain myself from grinning for more than a minute at a time. Now that my excitement has waned and I have regained my ability to withhold from smiling like a jackass, it's time for me to expound on an ugly game seven.

"Rooftops": Lakers Take Game 5 against the Thunder

Seeing as how the Lakers rolled over the Thunder in Game 5 and Durant went 5 of 14 from the field, it feels like a good time to continue with the Detective Durant narrative, as inspired by some of Edward Hopper's painting "Rooftops."

Detective Westbrook uses the tip of a ball point pen to scrape dried dog shit from off his shoe's sole.  He goes about the process with a deliberate patience, much like a dentist or an archaeologist, as if the rubber he's unearthing might be valuable.  He props his left leg over his right in a manner that suggests he's used to waiting in places that cause most people to tighten like rubber bands stretched around too much paper.  After a time, Westbrook notices that his scraping motion is in sync with the waiting room clock's second hand.  This mechanical choreography makes Westbrook uncomfortable.  He stops, puts the pen in his coat pocket, and uncrosses his legs.  At first, he appears to not know where his hands should be placed, so he stands and walks past the elevator to the water fountain.  He leans down and takes a sip.  The water tastes of metal.  He wonders about its lead content and then pivots back toward the green chair he recently abandoned.

As Detective Westbrook reaches the elevator, it opens and a nurse steps out to clear the hallway.  As the other nurses and one doctor push the gurney out the elevator, the back wheel catches on the edge of the door, halting its momentum, prompting the doctor to growl, "Damn it, Nurse Kirilenko, watch where you're going!  This man has slim line to walk without us banging him into doorways."  As they pass, Westbrook notices the name "Mehmet Okur" on the doctor's clipboard.  He looks down at Mehmet's face, with its eyes open and still like saucers.  Mehmet's pupils are faint drops of coffee, barely discernible, almost as if they are staring inward and not out.  The sight of them makes Westbrook ponder his partner's eyes as they looked up at him from a pile of loose bricks.  Were Kevin's pupils that faint?  No, Kevin's pupils were dark and dilated, not squinting to see some inner light.  No, Kevin was in much better shape than this Mehmet character.  Westbrook returns to his chair, crosses his arms, and uncrosses them, watching the clock contemplating the finiteness of coffee cups and heart beats.

Detective Durant went  into the brownstone alone.  He told Westbrook to circle around back and watch for anyone coming or going, and Westbrook did just that.  Westbrook waited outside the row of houses, that leaned and stumbled into each other like drunken lovers on a brisk ferry ride, watching the dark windows and door, wanting to light a cigarette but knowing that to do so might get Kevin killed.  This case had taken up five months of their lives, almost half a year, and not once had they been this close to apprehending their suspect, a man that the rest of the department referred to as a shadow, an obscurity no one notices until it's all around you, like the blackness of night.  Most of their suspect's victims were found with their throats slit and a profound smile on their faces, as if in death their white teeth were a sliver of moon.

The thought of the last body they'd found, a huge man with a huge smile, named Dwight Howard, crept into Westbrook's mind and a chill came over him.   If this shadow could slay a behemoth like Howard, then what chance did his matchstick partner have?  Westbrook drew his gun and headed for the back door.  He fumbled with the doorknob, which was locked, and was about to kick the door  open, his leg already raised, when he heard a window open from above and a gun shot.

Westbrook backpedaled, almost tripping over the curb.  Above him, a body slithered onto the rooftop, hoisting itself up using the brownstone's chimney.  A brick came loose just as the body stood up on the roof and fell three stories, landing about ten feet or so in front of Westbrook.  Westbrook searched the line of the rooftop for the shadowy snake, but saw nothing except for the outline of the chimney.

"Russell, you still out there, man?"

"Yeah, Kevin, he's on the roof!"

"You gotta line on him?"

"If he moves at all from behind that chimney, he's a dead man."

"You hear that, Black Mamba?  There ain't no where to go."  Silence.

Westbrook wasn't sure what the best move from here might be.  The Black Mamba could not come out from behind that chimney to run from one rooftop to another without risking getting shot, and, if he jumped off the front, there were two patrol cars blocking off the road.  He had nowhere to go.  The only question was how long the man could wait up on the roof.  Westbrook envisioned the next day, around noon, and how hot the sun would be.  This was it.  The line was drawn.

Westbrook watched the framework of the chimney, like a cat waiting in the high grasses for its prey.  He imagined the Black Mamba on the other side of the chimney's brick walls staring back at him the way cobras stare through glass plates at the zoo, hissing at all the children who slap the window, smearing their dirty fingerprints all over it.
Durant reached his hand up from the window and slapped the gutter, gave it a tug, found it sturdy, and began pulling his body up onto the roof, pushing against the window sill with his legs.  Durant's decision to act, to poke the cobra inside its basket, was greeted with a grating sound.  Westbrook could see the bricks sliding like the slow quiver of a mirage.

"Kevin, man, those bricks are movin!'"

Durant's foot slipped on the sill; he was not hanging off the gutter by only his arms, no support.

"I'm not the Black Mamba!" screamed the chimney, "I'M RON ARTEST!"

A cascade of bricks emphasized this exclamatory statement, raining down like chunks of hail around Durant.  The gutter gave way from the onslaught, and Westbrook watched his partner fall three stories, landing on the ground underneath a pile of rubble.  Westbrook rushed to the pile and began heaving bricks off Durant's body, yelling a combination of pleas for help and threats at life: "Help!  Man down!  Help us!  You bastard!  You fuckin' bastard!  Help us!"  Westbrook yelled until his syllables became inaudible.

"We'll get him, Russ," whispered Durant.  "I ain't dead, just down."  The look in Durant's eyes was as infinite as the night.  If Westbrook was more religious, he would have thought that Durant must have seen something in his fall, that here was a man becoming the same thing he hunted, but Westbrook dismissed these ideas, closed his eyes, and fell silent as a stone.  Durant's eyes, however, were open wide.

This post originally appeared at The Faster Times on April 20, 2010, when the Lakers were ahead in the series 2-0.

Thunder Tie Series with Lakers: "Kobe, We Need To Talk"

Tied 2-2 with the Oklahoma City Thunder, the Lakers appear to be just another team, making Langston re-evaluate the past and future for his favorite squad.

Time Waster: Happy Holidays

The latest MVPuppets spots from Nike hit the intranets over the weekend. And if these recent ads are any indication, they will just keep getting better. Now, I don't want to spoil the surprise, so I'll just let you know that they feature a couple of hip-hop's finest. Enjoy.

Time Waster: Kobe and LeBron Puppet Parody

NBA on ABC: Spurs vs. Celtics and Cavs vs. Lakers

"Looking at something changes it....  The more you look the less you really know."

                               --The Coen Brothers, The Man Who Wasn't There

This past week was a good week for the NBA, an extremely good week.  Kobe and Lebron teed off against the New York Knicks.  The Lakers and Celtics met in a showdown, and today the Lakers, Cavs, and Celtics are all showcased again, only the San Antonio Spurs are too.  Whenever ABC or ESPN put up a list of the top teams, it obviously includes the Lakers, Cavs, and Celtics.  The fourth team on the list, however, is the Orlando Magic.  The numbers would tell us that they are the fourth best team in the League, but having watched the last decade of basketball, we know the bigger threat to Kobe, the King, and KG are the guys in black and silver--"looking at something changes it."

The Spurs face off against the defending champions the Boston Celtics today.  I believe deep down in my heart that this matchup would have been last year's Finals matchup if one of two things had happened last season.  If the Spurs had earned the #2 seed instead of the #3 seed, they would have come out of the West.  A #2 seed last year would have avoided them an emotionally grueling series against the Phoenix Suns, and it would have allowed them to have the home court in the second round, as opposed to them traveling to New Orleans.  Having the #2 see would have also prevented the Spurs from spending the night on an airplane the day before the Lakers series.   Remember in Game 1 how the Spurs dominated the Lakers for 3 quarters and then collapsed in the 4th quarter.  As a Spurs fan, I have to blame Game 1 of last year's Western Conference Finals on the night spent on an airplane.  The other factor that might have changed things in that Lakers series is Manu's health. These observations allow doubt to enter into the reality that the Lakers were the best team in the West last season.  These observations allow for "reasonable doubt."

What we observe does not just change how we view the past, but it affects how we view the present.  Based on past statistics and observations, we accept two truths about this Spurs team.  We label them as old, and we label them as a great defensive team, but the observations we've made this year change what we once held as true.  This Spurs team is not that old.  Yes, Tim Duncan is 32, Michael Finley is 35, Manu Ginobili is 31, Kurt Thomas is 36 and Bruce Bowen is 37, but Tony Parker is only 26, George Hill is 22,  and Matt Bonner and Roger Mason are 28.  Of those 30 and older guys, Bowen no longer starts and only gets 20 minutes a game.  Bowen, Oberto, Udoka, and Vaughn are all more likely to be found on the bench these days than in seasons past.  The Spurs have become younger on the sly.  Of course, the turn to youth has made them less of a defensive team.  In the past, this team was always top 3 in defensive field goal percentage.  This season they've hovered around 15th in the league. What we come to accept as truth is now always true.

Last night, in Arlington, Stan Yuengling and I got into a conversation about what was more impressive--Lebron's "triple-double" or Kobe's 61.  I felt that Lebron's "triple-double," even if he did only grab 9 rebounds was the more impressive feat. My argument was that Lebron clearly had the better all-around game, and that while he only scored 52 points to Kobe's 61, he more than made up for that because he had 11 assists to Kobe's 3 assists and zero rebounds.  Lebron's assist total means that he accounted for at least 74 points, while Kobe's assists, even if they all went to guys shooting 3's, would add up to at most 70 points, and that doesn't even account for the impact of Lebron's 9 rebounds and Kobe having none.   I felt strongly about these facts.  

I know I felt strongly about these facts because my voice is hoarse this morning, which means I must have been on my soap box last night, surrounded by cigarette smoke and alcohol.  I was preaching hard, slapping the table and rattling the glasses, but I'd already lost my congregation.  Stan Yeungling shrugged his shoulders and said, "yeah, Lebron had a better all-around game, but Kobe's was more fun to watch.  Kobe's was better.  He made me say wow a lot.  Lebron didn't make me say wow."  This theme crept into our next debate also.  

When Stan gave his top 3 most important players of the past decade, he listed Shaq, Kobe, and Allen Iverson.  He made his list after I said that the careers of Shaq and Tim Duncan are a toss up.  Shaq averages 24 points a game for his career.  Duncan averages 21 points a game for his career, but edges Shaq's career numbers for rebounds, blocks, and assists.  Plus, each has four rings.  They've combined for 3 MVP's, and each has 3 Finals MVP's.  Stan's response was, "Duncan isn't even one of the top 3 most important players of the last decade."  I later got Stan to revise the title of his list.  Instead of calling it the most important players list, he made it the player I liked to watch over the last decade list.  The point is if watching something changes it, then there's the possibility each of us is viewing a different truth.  

Stan Yuengling believes AI is a great player.  I believe he's earned his reputation for greatness under false pretenses.  I know he went to the Finals in 2001, but I also know all he had to do was beat Vince Carter's Raptors and the Glen Robinson, Sam Cassell, Ray Allen Bucks.  I know that when Iverson's Sixer teams mattered so did the Antione Walker and Paul Pierce-led Celtics.  He was playing in a watered down conference that inflated the reputations of good players into very good players and very good players into great players.  What I've seen Iverson do since 2001 in Philly, Denver, and now Detroit has caused me to doubt his accomplishments, but it hasn't phased Stan Yuengling one bit.  Stan looks at Iverson's career and sees one play, the crossover against Jordan, not the mediocrity of the majority of Iverson's teams or his inability to make anyone better, even other All-Stars, Olympians, and former champions.  

When we watch a basketball game, it comes down not just to what happened but how it happened.  It's not what we saw but how we saw it, and asking how becomes much more subjective than asking what. 

This past week the Celtic-Lakers game mattered because of how they played the matchup; they played like it was the playoffs.  When I saw Lebron go for 52 points, 11 assists, and 9 rebounds, I saw him come within one rebound of a feat that hadn't been done since the '70s, and I saw him do things on a basketball court that no other player in history could have done.  I was wowed.  Stan wasn't.  

When I saw Kobe, I saw Michael Jordan; and I missed his greatness, which brings me to the one point Stan Yuengling and I agreed on last night.  MJ was more impressive than Lebron or Kobe when he went for 55 against the Knicks six games into his comeback during the '94-'95 season because he did it against a great team.  

Kobe and Lebron posted their numbers against a 21-28 team that is coached by Mike D'Antoni, who doesn't believe in defense.  He made no adjustments against Kobe.  His strategy was to hope he starts missing, to me that's giving up.  In the NBA, a team has to make in-game adjustments.  When MJ went for 55, he did it against a team that had just gone to the Finals the year before. He did it against one of the best defensive teams in the history of the League.  He did it against Hall of Famer Patrick Ewing, not David Lee.  He did it against John Starks, not Quentin Richardson.  He did it against Charles Oakley and Anthony Mason, not Wilson Chandler and Jared Jeffries.  He did it against Derek Harper, Hubert Davis, Doug Christie, Charlie Ward, and J.R. Reid, not Danilo Gallinari and Nate Robinson, and it's the depth of that Knicks team that brings me to this last point.

This Spurs team, despite its 33-15 record, is not yet a threat to the Lakers, Celtics, or Cavs.  Thirteen of those fifteen losses have come to teams that are .500 or better, which is enough for me to have "reasonable doubt" about the quality of the team's wins. It's called the "uncertainty principle," and there's a guy looking into it with numbers (John Hollinger), and hopefully, RC Buford is looking to make one more move before the trade deadline because the NBA is clearly back to what it was in the '80s and '90s in terms of talented teams that can win a championship. 

And that Knicks team, even with all their depth and grit, only finished as a runner-up.   This Spurs team needs more of both attributes if it's even going to finish second to one of the big three.  Any other finish is like not even existing. Like being a black and white film in a world of color, there's a reason San Antonio's colors are what they are.  They're flying under the radar of human perception, which means they'll either sneak up on everyone or no one at all.

It's an uncertain prediction at best.

Faith renewed

On Saturday night in the LCG's living room, I was basking in the recent throttling of the Florida Gators by my beloved Vols. As I was finally getting hope in a disappointing season for UT, a special break from the highlights came on ESPN. That break was to let me know Andrew Bynum had injured his knee. That disheartening news was followed yesterday with more bad news came as they announced he would miss 8-12 weeks. So later in the day I decided to post on the breaking situation, I tried to play coy and act unattached or unmoved by the story. But in reality, I saw another Laker season being thrown to the wayside. When I heard the injury news I realized I was no longer the typical optimistic fan, but more of the annoying fan who moans and drones about the bad luck of his team. I had become a fanatical-pessimist. So at 7:30 p.m. est when I tuned in to the Laker-Knicks game I was anything but the typical barrel of fun I see myself as; instead I was about as upbeat as a Thomas Hardy novel. I was so dejected that I wrote a poem, something I hadn't done since 8th grade English class with Mrs. Willis.

The colorless thoughts engulfing me
the thoughts of another banner quickly drifting from my senses
the thought of another manhandling on the parquet floors
the thoughts had me sinking in despair
the thoughts had me sinking in my chair
Yet I could do nothing
but hope and cheer from afar

Shameful I know, but what was I to do? Join the others on message boards and talk trash because the future of the organization was out for a couple of months. I was embarrassed. How could I be woeful about a basketball team, when there is a lot more going on in the world that holds actual importance. With the economy, the war('s), families struggling to pay their bills, cities struggling to survive the harsh winter, and the all-around despair of the Motor City. How, with all that, could I possibly be down about a GAME? I was, and there is no excuse other than I have an irrational love for sports and it will not leave me. Despite the real world issues and the negativity those issues bring, I will always have an irrational love for American sport. I could say sorry, but what would be the point. This irrational obsession is what makes me, me. But I digress.

Once I saw that forum blue and gold take the court at MSG, I couldn't help but smile. Kobe quickly vanquished any negative thoughts still lingering, and the fanatical-pessimist swiftly vanished thanks to the show he was putting on for the New York crowd. Scoring 13 of the teams first 16, teeming with Gasol to score 30 and the teams 31 first quarter points. The two ended up combining for 92 of the Lakers 126 points (with 31 for Pau and 61 for Kobe), in the win over the home-town Knickerbockers.

This was not a team that will fall to the wayside, not with two four and one six taking the court. This is not a team to be worrisome for; not tonight, not with Kobe taking center-stage, not with Phil pulling the strings. This is a team that has more reason to come and play every night. This is a team that needs to prove day-in and day-out, they are still a force. It is a night like last night, that reminds us all of his greatness. It is a night like last night that Laker fans realize how much they take that greatness for granted. It is a night like last night where faith is renewed.

Timewaster: Awkward Awesomeness

Yesterday me and the LCG were taking in our weekly dosage of football, when this commercial aired.



After watching I was in a brief state of bewilderment; not with the awkwardness that Phelps and A-Rod can bring but with the amount of showmanship Kobe can give. He did his best at channeling Joel Goodsen, and I think by rocking it, he saved this commercial.

Its been a day since watching it and the haze has been removed by my lack of short-term memory but I am still left questioning why Tony Hawk is wearing a helmet. Its not like they made A-Rod carry a bat, or told Kobe to hold a basketball, or even have Phelps wear rubber floaties. Do they think the general public is so dense that they wouldn't be able to recognize a national icon without his safety equipment? Or was Hawk just worried about being struck by the flailing members of his boxer-clad co-stars? And if so, wouldn't goggles also be necessary?

A Rivalry Renewed

So I am sure you have all heard about it, Shaq was at a club in NYC on Sunday night and decided to freestyle. His rhyme was centered all around Kobe, and its not bitter at all.

Mush-Mouth is correct that Kobe couldn't do it without Shaq this year. As for the Suns, who exited in the first round of the playoffs, definitely couldn't do it with him. Shaq recently talked to Stephen A. Smith about his flow:

I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious
whatsoever...........That is what MC’s do. They freestyle
when called upon. I’m totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all.”

I don't really have the energy to blast Shaq right now but Andrew Kamenetzky at the LA times breaks it down amazingly and I couldn't agree more with his statement that Shaq is probably the worst ex-teammate in the league. LA-Times Blog

Kobe's outlook on the series

has given me hope. After the Lakers terrible collapse in game four Kobe is not ready to surrender. He is holding his head high and is ready to play.

“The series ain’t over,” he said. “It’s far from over."

After winning game three and giving the Laker faithful hope, the Lakers blew a 24 point lead to the Celtics to go down 3-1. Tonights game five is critical and according to history, is pointless, no team has ever one the finals after being down 3-1 (0-28). If they do win tonight, they have the unenviable task of trying to win two straight in Boston. With so much mounted agaisnt Kobe and the Lakers, you could expect the pressure to get to someone, yet Kobe seemed as calm and cool as ever during the press conference. Bryant claims that the Lakers have moved on past their monumental collapse and seems to be focused on trying to win the series.

“We’ve got to take care of business on Sunday,” said Bryant. “So what are we going to do? How am I going to get my teammates in the right frame of mind, make sure they’re energetic, and that’s what it’s been all about.”

Kobe, at this point, was saying all the right things until he admitted this, which may cause him to lose any street cred he has.

"It was awesome,” he said. “He had more problems dealing with Voldemort than what we have dealing with the media and the Celtics.”

Supposedly he was reading Harry Potter to his daughters for most of the last couple days, but we really know he was reading for himself. Game 5 is tonight, coverage starts at 8:30 on ABC, and the tip around 9 o'clock.

I agree with Kobe

After last nights mammoth collapse Kobe decided to tell the world about how schwasted he was going to get.. whine about it tonight.. lot of wine.. lot of beer... lot of shots.. maybe like 20 of them..

Curt Schilling Please Shut Up

On Curt Schillings blog this week 38pitches, Curt had some harsh words for Kobe Bryant. Curt had just sat courtside at game 2 of the Lakers-Celtics series, where he was close enough to hear Kobe try to get his team mates in the game. But Curt doesn't think Kobe was motivating, and he thinks Kobe should apologize. Here is how Schill saw it:

I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other on or about [Kobe] other
than to know that people feel he might be one of the 4-5 greatest players to
ever lace it up. What I do know is what I got to see up close and hear, was
unexpected.
From the first tip until about 4 minutes left in the game I saw
and heard this guy bitch at his teammates. Every TO he came to the bench pissed,
and a few of them he went to other guys and yelled about something they weren’t
doing, or something they did wrong. No dialog about “hey let’s go, let’s get
after it” or whatever. He spent the better part of 3.5 quarters pissed off and
ranting at the non-execution or lack of, of his team. Then when they made what
almost was a historic run in the 4th, during a TO, he got down on the floor and
basically said ‘Let’s f’ing go, right now, right here” or something to that
affect. .....

...I am not making this observation in a good or bad way, I have no idea how the guys in the NBA play or do things like this, but I thought it was a fascinating bit of insight for me to watch someone in another sport who is in the position of a team leader and how he interacted with his team and teammates. Watching the other 11 guys [on the Lakers], every time out it was high fives and “Hey nice work, let’s get after it” or something to that affect. He walked off the floor, obligatory skin contact on the high five, and sat on the bench stone faced or pissed off, the whole game. Just weird to see another sport and how it all works.

Kobe when asked about the remarks, he responded with a fist pump and a "Go Yankees!". He also added:

After the time of all those bleeps, we almost pulled off one of the greatest
comebacks in history....It seemed to motivate them pretty well.

Kobe obviously knows his team mates better then Schilling. The Lakers awakened and fought back from 24 points down in the fourth quarter to get within two before losing 108-102.

“They’re used to it, and we all have thick skin around here,” he said. “We’re
brutally honest with each other. We all love it.”

Its funny that Schilling called him out but did not let us know who rolled their eyes. I can see it being note worthy if it was Luke Walton, Pau Gasol, or Jordan Farmar. But DJ Mbenga or Ariza rolling his eyes is no big deal. Plus wouldn't we all love to cuss out Chris Mihm from time to time?
I think the Lakers should counter and put another over the hill and run of the mill starter courtside, Derek Lowe what are you doing tonight?

Time Waster- Hip Hop Edition

Now I had the idea to do this while watching tonights game, which is still in progress. I am going to give you some old school flava for ya ear brought to you by NBA ballers past and present, attempting to rap.

1. First up Shaq, the original NBA rapper featuring Fu-Shnickens.



2. Cedric Ceballos follows up, with a little help from Warren G.



3. Next up is Kobe Bryant accompanied by Tyra Banks, before the Black Mamba days.



4. Last but not least is Tony Parker.



The edge has to go to everyone who has had the benefit of never listening to any of these songs. I feel dumber.

BDSSP has new on-air talent

That new on-air talent is none other than Ron Artest, his first interview is with Kobe Bryant.




Ron Artest did surprisingly well; he was personable, engaging, and fun-to-watch. I hope he keeps this up. Ron Artest is much better than ESPN's newest hire, Damon Jones, who could put me to sleep at any time of day.