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Obama Care Expands NCAA Tournament

April 16, 2010

Thousands--maybe even hundreds-- of tea baggers gathered outside of the NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis today in order to protest the probable expansion of the NCAA basketball field from 64 to 96 teams, citing the tournament's expansion as another reason for why Obamacare is a horrible idea.

There are approximately 347 schools that play Division I basketball, and, currently, out of those 347, only 65 make the NCAA tournament, that's a mere 18.7%.  If the tournament expands to 96 teams, then tournament coverage will reach 27.6% of the teams in Division I.  Proponents of expansion believe that this plan will provide not only hope but tangible benefits to several more mid-majors as well as those teams in premier conferences that struggle to run wind sprints, much less make baskets.

When questioned about the Tea Bag Party protests outside his office door, NCAA president Myles Brand responded, "Look we're just trying to reach out and aid the little guy here.  When people fill out their brackets, they love the Gonzaga, Butler, and George Mason stories; we're just trying to give them more of that.  Why have one Cinderella every year, when you can have her step sisters too?  Plus, it's not like we're not compromising with the fans that are against expansion.  Originally, we were going to open the tournament up to every Division I team because the chance to play for a championship is something all teams should have."  


But not everyone is drinking what Brand is brewing.  One stereotypical tea bagger responded to Brand's remarks with some false analogy about the American Revolution, the Founding Fathers, and Robert E. Lee  by saying, "All these teams do have a chance for a championship.  It's called win the games on your schedule from November to February.  I mean, if you want Health Care, get a job.  I don't care if it's a recession--get a job!  I've got health care and my Kentucky Wildcats made the tournament, and I sure as hell didn't need a black president to give me either one.  No taxation without representation!"  For clarification, Miles Brand is not an African-American, and the Democrats' Health Care plan actually makes no mention of providing federal funding to college basketball programs or about expanding the NCAA tournament.

However, while not directly responsible for the expansion proposal, several tea baggers do feel that the President probably pressured the NCAA into this decision.  Those who follow this line of thinking question, "How could he not have anything to do with it?  All he does is shoot baskets and fill out brackets. When I watch CBS or CNN now, I can't tell if I'm watchin' Obama or that Clark Kellogg guy."

Rush Limbaugh backed this tea bagger,  belaboring that the distance between  Obama's healthcare plan and Brand's expansion plan is as thin as Hitler's socialist mustache: "This communist, socialist, fascist, anarchist, left wing, chicken wing, hokie pokie, liberal administration is all about pulling a fast one over on the American people.   Because of their socialist agenda to help everyone, they're all about helping the themselves, the liberal elite.  If you read the fine print of Obamacare, not only will you go blind, but you will see that they plan on paying for this by taxing our NCAA tournament bracket pool winnings.  All this guy does is smoke cigarettes, like Fidel smoked cigars, and find ways to cheat Americans out of the money they made by neglecting their real jobs to fill out brackets, and, now, that he's got a hand in our bracket pool money he's trying to make that pool deeper by adding more teams.  And the answer from me is 'hell no,' Senor Presidente.  We don't want your UAB's or Virginia Tech's."

Republican Sarah Palin, who played basketball in high school, believes that the possible expansion of the field is one of the most important issues facing America today.  "This story is everywhere I look in the news, from Sports Center to PTI; it's not going anywhere, just like we, the great American people are not going anywhere.  Eventually, one of us will have to budge, and I'm here to do the pushing.  I pushed kids out my loins, so I sure as hell can push this out too.  I'm saying yes to running for NCAA president in 2012, so I can say 'hell no'  to 96.  This is outright socialism, as much as public schools, public libraries, and wildlife conservatories are, and we're not gonna take it. "  This 2012 presidential hopeful then exited the stage to the sounds of Twisted Sister blasting out of the speakers, and the entire crowd chanting, like teenagers who've just been grounded, "No, we're not gonna take it. . ANNNNNNYYYYYY MOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEE!"

Conservative George Will, who is not a tea bagger, points out that expanding the tournament is actually not socialism, commenting on the fact that the expansion is actually driven by capitalism and greed and is not an effort to crown the little guy king.  He then went onto say that he's distressed by the fact that this conversation is even taking place during such an important moment in American history: the first few weeks of baseball season.

In defense of President Obama's elitism, an idea that actually flies in the face of socialism, the last two tournament brackets he filled out saw him pick the frontrunner each time (UNC in 2009 and KU in 2010), not the underdog.  What does that have to do with the health care debate?  Probably not much, but everything else apparently does.

Click here for a look at what a 96 team bracket might look like.

Since first posting this, it now looks like the NCAA might settle on 68 teams.

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