Jay Cutler vs. John Elway

The Packers are off this week, which means I really have no personal investment in this week's NFL games, so I'm going to focus on building up Jay Cutler's morale. After all, in our NFL previews, I stated that we had the Broncos too low and that they were my sleeper pick in the AFC.

I based this belief on the idea that Jay Cutler is the reincarnation of Charlemagne and that the players on the Broncos defense have awesome names. I thought these were sound foundations to base predictions. I also made dinner for a girl last week and thought that two servings of uncooked rice didn't look like it could feed two people, so I filled a whole meat loaf tin with rice, without adjusting the quantities for the rest of the recipe's ingredients--I now have 30 servings of rice sitting in a meat loaf tin, in my fridge. I don't feel like eating that much rice and that's probably how Bronco fans feel like watching their team's defense and hearing Cutler say things like, "My arm is stronger than John Elway's, and it's not even close." I expect the city of Denver will soon grow tired of eating rice every day, just as Apollo grew tired of Achilles.

Bronco fans, have no fear. A Trojan Horse full of rice is not waiting outside the walls of Denver, and while there may be too much rice in the fridge, let's focus on what matters, which is Jay Cutler's arm strength, offering plenty of variety in the leftover department and acts on the field that make the gods shiver. Elway may have delivered trips to the Super Bowl, but think of all the things Cutler can do for himself and the city of Denver with just his arm:

10) Cutler probably has a whiter smile than Elway ever did because with his incredible arm strength he can brush his teeth quicker and harder. While the speed and force of his brushing may cause his gums to recede at an alarming rate, he will have the best smile in the NFL for at least two more seasons and that has to bring joy into living rooms of thousands of Americans every week--Jay Cutler's smile, made possible by his arm strength, will make it easier to bare the weight of a struggling economy.

9) No one in the Broncos locker room struggles with opening jars of pickles because the bulging biceps of Jay Cutler are always willing to help out. Rod Smith's career overlapped the end of Elway's career and the beginning of Cutler's, and he says that Cutler is already ten times the jar opener that Elway ever was. He did add that what Elway lacked in strength he made up for with craftiness. Apparently, Elway always kept a butter knife on hand, in his locker, and with this knife he would bang the lids of jars, allowing himself to open even the toughest of jars. Still, not everyone has time for this technique to be implemented. Sometimes, when a pickled is needed, it's needed now.

8) If the NFL ever replaces the coin flip with an arm wrestling match between the quarterbacks of two opposing teams, then the Broncos will never lose because Cutler pretty much stated that his arm is stronger than not only Elway's but every quarterback in history. His word is his bond.

7) There are days when Cutler's smile can't cheer up everyone. I mean, Javon Walker didn't exactly leave Denver in the happiest of states, but that's where Cutler's arm strength shows its diversity. He's the best companion to have at a traveling carnival. His arm strength allows him to win all sorts of stuffed animals. If one wants a stuffed monkey, then he'll knock over all the cans, knock all the moles on the head, and hammer the strength bell to the moon. Cutler is a provider of all things warm and fuzzy.

6) If Denver ever wins a Super Bowl and goes to Disney World, then Cutler will easily win that sword in the stone contest, making him the only person over ten to ever do so. Elway may have won two Super Bowls, but if Cutler ever even wins one, then he will eclipse Elway by replacing King Arthur. I also think that a man who possesses Excalibur will probably win more than one Super Bowl, until Brandon Marshall sleeps with his wife and Mile High Stadium catches on fire. On second thought, if the Broncos ever go to Disney World, they should not tell Cutler about it. Camelot isn't worth it.

5) Jay Cutler can easily do more pull-ups than John Elway. He also can climb up a rope in gym class faster. In fact, I hear Elway only won the National Fitness Award. Cutler, on the other hand, is Presidentially fit.

4) Whenever one of the Broncos moves in or out of a new home, things are always made easier by Jay Cutler's arms. He is, however, still working on angling couches through doorways.

3) John Elway may have been a potential star in baseball, but imagine all the avenues available to Jay Cutler because of his arm strength. He could be a baseball player, a boxer, a wrestler, an ultimate fighter, a decathlete, a championship weight lifter, the list goes on. Bronco fans need to just think about how lucky they are that Jay Cutler chose to pursue football instead of a sport that would have landed him on a Wheaties box.

2) The Colorado chapter of the NRA's biggest complaint against Barack Obama's bid for President is that he will reverse the 2nd Amendment, which would clearly make Jay Cutler's arm illegal.

1) Now that Jay Cutler's arm strength can not be doubted, Atlas is pondering retirement. When children in Sunday School sing "He's Got the whole World in His Hands," many of them believe "His Hands" are Jay Cutler's.

Smiting doesn't always take the form of lightning bolts. Sometimes the smite is as small as a broken finger. Of course, Achilles was brought down by his heel. Jay, I suggest not talking for a while and letting time, wins, and losses be the judge of one's strength. Besides, when those judges brag about one's strength, they tend not to limit the discussion to one body part, that is little more than a piece to the puzzle or a cog in the machine, and if this concept is difficult for you to grasp, then go ask Elway, the man whose temple you're vandalizing, because his strength was not limited to his arm.