Notre Dame Gives Charlie Weis an Extension for Beating Purdue

When Charlie Weis came off the football field yesterday and headed for the visitor's locker room, he saw that Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick was waiting for him with a big smile on his face. Coach Weis expected Swarbrick to greet him the traditional post game handshake or congratulatory remark, but, instead of receiving a "good game coach," Weis was offered another ten year extension to his current contract.

This extension will make Weis the head coach of The Fighting Irish until the year 2025, and it contains stipulations that if Weis continues to out perform in state rivals Purdue and Indiana, then the contract will become a lifetime deal.

Weis responded to the press about the deal, saying, "When I took this job, I thought they wanted me to beat the Michigan's, Ohio State's, and the USC's. I thought the goal was to win the big one, but, now, I understand that the real goal for our program is to beat Purdue, which really takes a lot of stress off my mind and has really improved my marriage. "

Yesterday, the Irish defeated the Boilermakers for the fourth time in five years, demonstrating that the pendulum has clearly swung Notre Dame's way in this bitter rivalry thanks to Weis' genius, not just in football strategies, but in solving mathematical equations.

"People always ask me if Coach is an offensive genius, and I tell them that I don't know if he's a genius; but I do know he's pretty good with math," explains Irish quarterback Jimmy Clausen, continuing, "We were down four points with three and a half minutes left, and Coach said we gotta get a touchdown to win. Just a field goal won't do it."

It's that kind of assertive decision making that's impressed Swarbrick enough to insure that Weis becomes the longest tenured coach in Notre Dame history.

Swarbrick explains, "A lot of people ask me about his 2-2 record against some weak Michigan teams, or his 0-4 record against USC, or the loss to Ohio St. in the Fiesta Bowl, or the 44-14 loss to LSU in the Sugar Bowl, or even his 2-2 record against Michigan State, but none of that matters. Purdue is clearly a team on the rise. Drew Brees is on fire every Sunday, and, eventually, that's going to pay out in the recruiting battle. All those other schools produce bust after bust: JaMarcus Russell? Matt Leinhart? Reggie Bush? Charlie Rogers? All busts, and Tom Brady is clearly washed up. If we want to remain relevant, then Purdue's clearly the team to beat, which makes Charlie Weis our guy. Heck, maybe Jimmy Clausen will be his Kyle Orton. "

The discovery that Notre Dame's main objective is to beat Purdue finally explains why the school fired Tyrone Willingham after he went 21-15 over three years and gave Charlie Weis an extension prior to his going 22-15. Willingham was only 1-2 against Purdue; however, this new revelation makes one wonder why Bob Davie was let go--after all, he managed a .500 record against the almighty Drew Brees.

Neither Willingham nor Davie could be reached for comment.