A conversation about the 2015-16 AFC North

With a few hours to spare, here's our last attempt to preview the NFL season. Previous discussions can be found for the following divisions: AFC East, NFC East, AFC West, NFC West, AFC South, NFC South, and NFC North. What  follows from here is a look at the AFC North:

Welcome to Cleveland!

Cleveland Browns

2010 AFC North Preview

Baltimore Ravens (9-7 last year)
Psychological Report: In his rookie year, Joe Flacco threw 14 touchdowns to 12 interceptions.  In his second year, that ratio improved when he threw 21 touchdowns to 12 interceptions.  His coach, John Harbaugh, marked his growth, in pencil, on the doorframe of his bedroom, and receivers around the League began to take notice of more than just his eyebrows.  Derrick Mason, who contemplated retirement last offseason, rushed back just to hang with Joe, and Anquan Boldin decided that for the next four years it would be a good idea to go steady with Joe; and Joe still has classes with Michael Clayton and Todd Heap and has been spotted flirting with Donte Stallworth.  Aside from the occasional cracking of his voice, life is good for Joe.

Diagnosis: Everyone goes through puberty, and it can be awkward; but it does not last forever.  There comes a time when a boy must become a man.  This transition can be daunting, but for it to occur, it is important that an individual such as Joe to move beyond imprinting as a way to target receivers and that in cluctch situations he move beyond impulsive aggression.

Treatment: While one can easily become enamored with girlfriends and wide receivers, it is important to remain grounded.  During puberty an individual's relationships with peers and siblings can be critical to one's development, which is why Joe must maintain a steady grip upon his id and continue to develop his friendship with Ray Rice, his best friend, who was drafted in the same year and was second in the League last year in yards from scrimmage.


Offensive Rating: A Mississippi riverboat, efficient in its elegance, whose lifespan could be derailed by the locomotive.

Defensive Rating: The Great Wall of China because it is still the only manmade landmark visible from space despite the fact that local farms pillage its raw materials. 


Cincinnati Bengals (11-5 last year)
Psychological Report: The voices started innocent enough.  First there was Chad Johnson saying, "Hey, Carson, wanna see me dance?" and Carson was okay with that.  The other voice was Rudi, and he was barely noticeable.  TJ hung out for a little while, but then he skipped town, while Chad developed a secret identity.  Then Cedric showed up, and Rudi was dead.  Then T.O. showed up and the secret identity, Ochocinco, developed secret identities of his own: Batman and Robin, Siskel and Ebert, Bonnie and Clyde.  All the while, other voices kept calling out Hey, Carson! and Carson began to worry.

Diagnosis: One of schizophrenia's early symptoms is hearing one's name being called, and at first, that's how Carson Palmer's case was diagnosed, but then he admitted that Ochocinco and T.O. were both plotting to become the quarterback in order to throw touchdowns to themselves, which suggests a hostile take over of the offense's brain, or in other words, multiple personality disorder.

Treatment: The personalities and voices are here to stay; each one has a contract, but what Carson can do is establish the reciprocity norm within the locker room in order to confront any self-serving biases.


Offensive Rating: A juggling clown that hops a unicycle through flaming hoops

Defensive Rating: A rattlesnake


Cleveland Browns (5-11 last year)
Psychological Report: At what point does everything that has happened to the city of Cleveland just boil down to self-fulfilling prophecy?  Do they not seem to predict their own misfortune?  In 2009, this team began the season 1-11.  In seven of those losses, they lost by at least nine points.  They then won four games in a row, but against four non-Playoff teams.   Pull up any other statistic from the 2009 season and it will show the masochistic tendencies of this organization, which only appear to have slowed down with the hiring of Mike Holmgren.  

Diagnosis: When the Cleveland Browns left for Baltimore, the team might have been slightly sociopathic, but what's returned in its place displays none of the hostilities towards the city's hopes dreams and none of the tendencies to torture the city with horrifying Playoff moments.  No, what returned in its place is a mere, lifeless replica of what once was.  In other words, Cleveland is now home to the lobotomized Browns, stumbling, drooling, and utterly zombie-like.


Treatment: For the time being, primary reinforcers, such as food and water, are all that can be offered, but at some point, desperation will call for electroshock therapy.

Offensive Rating: A penny at the bottom of a well.


Defensive Rating: Swiss cheese left in a hot car.

Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7 last year)
Psychological Report: Ben Roethlisberger has more Super Bowl rings than either Brett Favre or Peyton Manning.  Ben Roethlisberger has crashed a motorcycle without wearing a helmet.  Ben Roethlisberger plays quarterback courageously, without regard to his own safety.  Ben Roethlisberger's teammates question his toughness and dedication.  Ben Roethlisberger is a good ol' boy.  Ben Roethlisberger might be a rapist.  Ben Roethlisberger has the confidence to conduct game winning drives.  Ben Roethlisberger  makes himself feel better by buying shots for everyone in the bar just so they know he's important.  Ben Roethlisberger has never been to Disney World because he has never been Super Bowl MVP, both Peyton Manning and Brett Favre have.  If Ben Roethlisberger did go to Disney World, he would hit on Daisy Duck, not Minnie.


Diagnosis: Who does Big Ben think he is?  Who does he want to be?  The way he lives life is like he does not even realize that his nickname is derived from a clock, that there is a moment when time runs out on all the people one could have been and one is who he is.  Ben Roethlisberger, at the moment, is not his ideal self, but he is one of his possible selves; and that possible self is far from any true manifestation of self-actualization.

Treatment: Ben Roethlisberger needs to take a backseat to Hines Ward and Mike Wallace.  Even more so, he needs to take a back seat to Rashard Mendenhall and Mewelde Moore because Ben Roethlisberger is currently a mediocre man lost amongst his own potential greatness.

Offensive Rating: An albatross in the Disney sense, meaning flight is quite possible, but landings remain difficult.

Defensive Rating: A brick wall, that with Polamalu back gets an addition of barbed wire.


Feel free to add any opinions, predictions, or actual analysis in our comments section.

2009 AFC North Division Preview

In the past, we broke down every team in detail before the start of the season, but this year we decided to view each division as a dysfunctional American family and base our predictions off their family trees.

Family Portrait:

Place of Residence:

Everything about the AFC North residence echoes with the clanging of horseshoes, the snorting of mules, the strutting of chickens, the rustling of dirt, and the hammering of nails. The air is heavy with work, and the house, located only a few yards from the barn, is a modest two story building that's been in the family for generations, through the addition of a second story, electricity, and indoor plumbing. Paul Brown laid the foundation. Chuck Noll built the stairs to the second floor with his own hands. Bill Cowher gutted the walls and filled them with copper pipes, while Boomer Esiason and Ray Lewis lit the house up, catching lightning in bottles.

Vacation Spot:

This family does not go on vacation. Repairs to the barn's roof or a new coat of paint on the house are always needed, and the herd of cattle that has produced seven blue ribbon steers won't mend any fences. The closest this family comes to a vacation is going to Pittsburgh for farm supplies. For the AFC North, work is an end in and of itself.

Favorite Pastime:

If the family finishes all their daily chores before sunset, then they meet out back of the barn to box one another, bare-fisted. The AFC North boxing matches are the American equivalent of the Roman Coliseum. Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs are rumored to have killed a man with their bare hands behind that barn and disposing of the corpse by feeding it to the family pigs. Mike Tomlin can knock a man cold with his bug-eyed stare, and the family cousins howl and bark like a pack of wild dogs, while the youngest sibling Chad Johnson sneaks off to the woods for sips of moonshine, leaving his twin brother Carson Palmer alone to deal with the knuckles and teeth of Troy Polamalu and Shaun Rogers.

Teach's Prediction:

A family as stoic in their daily life as the AFC North doesn't change much from year to year. The Stillers will win the division again. Mike Tomlin appears to be the next long-tenured coach for Pittsburgh, and at his age, that means he could still be coaching the Stillers when my grandchildren start watching football, which will be awesome if his intense stare can be matched by his senility. Baltimore should finish second once more in the second year of the John Harbaugh era. The only uncertainty I see is who finishes last between Cincinnati and Cleveland. Both of these teams are riddled with questions of substance and frivolity. The one I most want answered is whether Braylon Edwards' use of 5-hour Energy is why he failed his physical for Cleveland.

Langston's Prediction:

When this family meets up on the holidays, it is a site to behold. The bickering starts well before they actually see each other, and every year it's the same discussion. The Steelers brag about how well Ben is doing in school and how he won the spelling bee, all while he was the starting pitcher for the little league all-star team. While the Raven clan answer with "Well our boy got straight B's, and he went to the semi's of the spelling bee. But got tripped up by 'Pennsylvania' leaving the second N out of the word." Then there is the Bengals and the Browns, who are struggling the most out of the four families. Cincy's son was suspended for fighting and bringing a knife to school. Much like Cincy's kid, Cleveland's will have to repeat. But for different reasons, their son missed most of the year due to mono.

Ben and his family are pretty excited about the school year, he was just put in to the magnet program and is expected to exceed. Baltimore's son Flacco has been put into the honor's courses, and should do okay as long as he finds someone to cheat off of other than Derrick Mason. The Bengals and Browns are nervous about the upcoming school year, as they should be. They don't know how their sons are going to react to being a year behind their cousins. And with the departure of their two favorite teachers, Mr. Houshmandzadeh and Mr. Winslow, passing will become that much harder.