A conversation about the 2015-16 AFC North

With a few hours to spare, here's our last attempt to preview the NFL season. Previous discussions can be found for the following divisions: AFC East, NFC East, AFC West, NFC West, AFC South, NFC South, and NFC North. What  follows from here is a look at the AFC North:

Welcome to Cleveland!

Cleveland Browns

2014 NFL Playoffs: Saturday's Divisional Round

The following is a conversation previewing the 2014 Divisional match-ups (a discussion of Sunday's games can be found here):


Baltimore v New England @ 4:35 on NBC

The New England Patriots haven't been the same since George W. Bush left office.

2014 NFL Playoffs: Saturday's Wild-Card Round

The following is a conversation previewing the 2014 Wild-Card match-ups (a preview of Sunday's games can be found here): 

Arizona Cardinals v Carolina Panthers @ 4:35 on ESPN

Cam is either revealing the 'S' on his chest or doing the chicken dance.

Mike Langston: Five weeks ago the Panthers were 3-8-1. Now, they are hosting a playoff game. Are they hot? Or, are they the benefactors of a perfectly timed resurrection or a perfectly weak finish to the schedule?

Bryan Harvey: Hm, sounds a bit like divine intervention. That eighth loss, which was a 18 point humiliation against the Vikings, was the team's sixth loss in a row. Then, they beat the Saints, only to have Cam Newton's back fractured two days later. So not only were the Panthers 3-8-1 about five weeks ago, but the day after improving to a still dead 4-8-1, their franchise quarterback also seemed in need of a miracle.

I'm not trying to make light of a car accident, but this is what the script would look like if M. Night Shyamalan made a film about football. Maybe he could call it Indestructible and it could be about an invincible Superman.

Moreover, Carson Palmer could play a quarterback named Mr. Fragile. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if we're to believe the team's been resurrected, then we have to believe in M. Night Shyamalan's genius too.

Ahab and Starbuck: The Dueling Identities of the Baltimore Ravens

A little known fact about Captain Ahab
is that his last name was Lewis.

Some have found this flouting of emotion obnoxious, while others have found it to be inspirational. SNL found it to be hilarious as they had Kenan Thompson’s caricature of Lewis proclaim that upon winning the Super Bowl he will pass through the stadium’s roof and into heaven. People can take Lewis’ devotion in many ways, but as Americans, we should all be wary of the role Lewis assumes when he proclaims that his team has a higher purpose, when he denotes spiritual significance onto a game of inches and yards that are measured not in acts of faith but in the palpability of chain links.

NFL Playoffs: Championship Sunday Preview

The Championship Game previews below were put together by Russ Morris and Bryan Harvey (Teach):

NFL Playoffs: Divisional Round Preview

The Divisional previews below were put together by Russ Morris, with Bryan Harvey (Teach) adding in his two cents after Russ did most of the work.

2010 AFC North Preview

Baltimore Ravens (9-7 last year)
Psychological Report: In his rookie year, Joe Flacco threw 14 touchdowns to 12 interceptions.  In his second year, that ratio improved when he threw 21 touchdowns to 12 interceptions.  His coach, John Harbaugh, marked his growth, in pencil, on the doorframe of his bedroom, and receivers around the League began to take notice of more than just his eyebrows.  Derrick Mason, who contemplated retirement last offseason, rushed back just to hang with Joe, and Anquan Boldin decided that for the next four years it would be a good idea to go steady with Joe; and Joe still has classes with Michael Clayton and Todd Heap and has been spotted flirting with Donte Stallworth.  Aside from the occasional cracking of his voice, life is good for Joe.

Diagnosis: Everyone goes through puberty, and it can be awkward; but it does not last forever.  There comes a time when a boy must become a man.  This transition can be daunting, but for it to occur, it is important that an individual such as Joe to move beyond imprinting as a way to target receivers and that in cluctch situations he move beyond impulsive aggression.

Treatment: While one can easily become enamored with girlfriends and wide receivers, it is important to remain grounded.  During puberty an individual's relationships with peers and siblings can be critical to one's development, which is why Joe must maintain a steady grip upon his id and continue to develop his friendship with Ray Rice, his best friend, who was drafted in the same year and was second in the League last year in yards from scrimmage.


Offensive Rating: A Mississippi riverboat, efficient in its elegance, whose lifespan could be derailed by the locomotive.

Defensive Rating: The Great Wall of China because it is still the only manmade landmark visible from space despite the fact that local farms pillage its raw materials. 


Cincinnati Bengals (11-5 last year)
Psychological Report: The voices started innocent enough.  First there was Chad Johnson saying, "Hey, Carson, wanna see me dance?" and Carson was okay with that.  The other voice was Rudi, and he was barely noticeable.  TJ hung out for a little while, but then he skipped town, while Chad developed a secret identity.  Then Cedric showed up, and Rudi was dead.  Then T.O. showed up and the secret identity, Ochocinco, developed secret identities of his own: Batman and Robin, Siskel and Ebert, Bonnie and Clyde.  All the while, other voices kept calling out Hey, Carson! and Carson began to worry.

Diagnosis: One of schizophrenia's early symptoms is hearing one's name being called, and at first, that's how Carson Palmer's case was diagnosed, but then he admitted that Ochocinco and T.O. were both plotting to become the quarterback in order to throw touchdowns to themselves, which suggests a hostile take over of the offense's brain, or in other words, multiple personality disorder.

Treatment: The personalities and voices are here to stay; each one has a contract, but what Carson can do is establish the reciprocity norm within the locker room in order to confront any self-serving biases.


Offensive Rating: A juggling clown that hops a unicycle through flaming hoops

Defensive Rating: A rattlesnake


Cleveland Browns (5-11 last year)
Psychological Report: At what point does everything that has happened to the city of Cleveland just boil down to self-fulfilling prophecy?  Do they not seem to predict their own misfortune?  In 2009, this team began the season 1-11.  In seven of those losses, they lost by at least nine points.  They then won four games in a row, but against four non-Playoff teams.   Pull up any other statistic from the 2009 season and it will show the masochistic tendencies of this organization, which only appear to have slowed down with the hiring of Mike Holmgren.  

Diagnosis: When the Cleveland Browns left for Baltimore, the team might have been slightly sociopathic, but what's returned in its place displays none of the hostilities towards the city's hopes dreams and none of the tendencies to torture the city with horrifying Playoff moments.  No, what returned in its place is a mere, lifeless replica of what once was.  In other words, Cleveland is now home to the lobotomized Browns, stumbling, drooling, and utterly zombie-like.


Treatment: For the time being, primary reinforcers, such as food and water, are all that can be offered, but at some point, desperation will call for electroshock therapy.

Offensive Rating: A penny at the bottom of a well.


Defensive Rating: Swiss cheese left in a hot car.

Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7 last year)
Psychological Report: Ben Roethlisberger has more Super Bowl rings than either Brett Favre or Peyton Manning.  Ben Roethlisberger has crashed a motorcycle without wearing a helmet.  Ben Roethlisberger plays quarterback courageously, without regard to his own safety.  Ben Roethlisberger's teammates question his toughness and dedication.  Ben Roethlisberger is a good ol' boy.  Ben Roethlisberger might be a rapist.  Ben Roethlisberger has the confidence to conduct game winning drives.  Ben Roethlisberger  makes himself feel better by buying shots for everyone in the bar just so they know he's important.  Ben Roethlisberger has never been to Disney World because he has never been Super Bowl MVP, both Peyton Manning and Brett Favre have.  If Ben Roethlisberger did go to Disney World, he would hit on Daisy Duck, not Minnie.


Diagnosis: Who does Big Ben think he is?  Who does he want to be?  The way he lives life is like he does not even realize that his nickname is derived from a clock, that there is a moment when time runs out on all the people one could have been and one is who he is.  Ben Roethlisberger, at the moment, is not his ideal self, but he is one of his possible selves; and that possible self is far from any true manifestation of self-actualization.

Treatment: Ben Roethlisberger needs to take a backseat to Hines Ward and Mike Wallace.  Even more so, he needs to take a back seat to Rashard Mendenhall and Mewelde Moore because Ben Roethlisberger is currently a mediocre man lost amongst his own potential greatness.

Offensive Rating: An albatross in the Disney sense, meaning flight is quite possible, but landings remain difficult.

Defensive Rating: A brick wall, that with Polamalu back gets an addition of barbed wire.


Feel free to add any opinions, predictions, or actual analysis in our comments section.

LCB NFL Picks: Week Eight

New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles @ 1:00 on FOX:
Langston: Like Drody, I could go either way on this game. The Eagles have the ability to score at any moment with Desean Jackson. The Giants have a well-balanced offense, with Brandon Jacobs pounding the ball and a whole host of young receivers ready to do damage. Both have capable defenses and both could really use this win. Taking that all into account, along with Westbrook being a game-time decision, I'm going with the Giants. I just can't see a team of this caliber losing three straight. Giants 42, Eagles 35.


Drody: Tough game to pick, this NFC east battle. The Giants have been pushed to the back burner, due to their loss to the undefeated Saints. The Eagles, also are trying to gain some momentum with back to back victories over division foes. I look for this to be a close game, but the Giants pull it out and pull ahead in the divisional race. Giants 24, Eagles 17

Denver Broncos vs. Baltimore Ravens @ 1:00 on CBS:
Langston: When I look at the Broncos and their remarkable start, I can't help but to think of last year's Cardinals. Orton plays the part of Kurt Warner, a QB who should be doing anything else but starting yet continues to surprise teams week after week. Brandon Marshall plays the part of Anquan Boldin, a disgruntled WR having a great year. And then there is me, who plays the part of me, doubting this team week in and out just waiting for them to show their true colors. I don't know if it will happen anytime soon or at all. But like last year I will continue to be skeptical of this team, despite having every reason not to. Ravens 34, Broncos 27.


Drody: The Broncs try to keep rolling, and the Ravens need to keep pace in the division. I think the Ravens win this one at home, and knock off the Broncos for the first time this week. The Ravens D will come out inspired and just destroy Kyle Orton. Sorry Neckbeard, I don't see you having a good game this week. The Ravens win this one soundly, Ravens 28, Broncos 10

Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers @ 4:15 on FOX:
Langston: I thought that I would be fairly indifferent when it came to the "Favre Bowl," but it would be disingenuous of me to claim that I haven't bought into the hype. I cannot wait for this game; for the first Packer defender to get a hit on Favre in Lambeau, to witness the angst of an entire stadium of fans, or for Aaron Rodgers to show Favre in person why they chose to move on. This game should be quite the production and I will be rooting for the Packers to exact a little bit of revenge. However I just don't see them overcoming their beleaguered offensive line and the Vikings rushing attack. Vikings 17, Packers 10.


Drody: Favre bowl, I still hate both these teams. Side note: Doesn't the Favre media attention remind you about the Sarah Palin coverage last election? I mean, the media says they give the people what they want, but who wants to hear about Favre anymore? I don't know anyone who isn't sick of him. Packers win in front of the home crowd. Packers 28, Vikings 14

Atlanta Falcons vs. New Orleans Saints @ 8:30 on ESPN MNF:
Langston: If the Broncos are the 2009 Arizona Cardinals reincarnated, the Saints are the '99 Rams. They look unbeatable, they score a ton, and the defense makes opposing teams pay for their mistakes. I like them to keep it rolling on Monday Night, in their effort to give New Orleans hope for the fourth year in a row.

Drody: I forsee the Saints continuing their dominance of the NFL in this game. They just seem unstoppable right now. I think the Saints O just keeps roling, and their defense to play well enough to win. I'm also not that high on the Falcons right now. The Saints lengthen their division lead with a win on Monday night. Saints 35, Falcons 17

2009 AFC North Division Preview

In the past, we broke down every team in detail before the start of the season, but this year we decided to view each division as a dysfunctional American family and base our predictions off their family trees.

Family Portrait:

Place of Residence:

Everything about the AFC North residence echoes with the clanging of horseshoes, the snorting of mules, the strutting of chickens, the rustling of dirt, and the hammering of nails. The air is heavy with work, and the house, located only a few yards from the barn, is a modest two story building that's been in the family for generations, through the addition of a second story, electricity, and indoor plumbing. Paul Brown laid the foundation. Chuck Noll built the stairs to the second floor with his own hands. Bill Cowher gutted the walls and filled them with copper pipes, while Boomer Esiason and Ray Lewis lit the house up, catching lightning in bottles.

Vacation Spot:

This family does not go on vacation. Repairs to the barn's roof or a new coat of paint on the house are always needed, and the herd of cattle that has produced seven blue ribbon steers won't mend any fences. The closest this family comes to a vacation is going to Pittsburgh for farm supplies. For the AFC North, work is an end in and of itself.

Favorite Pastime:

If the family finishes all their daily chores before sunset, then they meet out back of the barn to box one another, bare-fisted. The AFC North boxing matches are the American equivalent of the Roman Coliseum. Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs are rumored to have killed a man with their bare hands behind that barn and disposing of the corpse by feeding it to the family pigs. Mike Tomlin can knock a man cold with his bug-eyed stare, and the family cousins howl and bark like a pack of wild dogs, while the youngest sibling Chad Johnson sneaks off to the woods for sips of moonshine, leaving his twin brother Carson Palmer alone to deal with the knuckles and teeth of Troy Polamalu and Shaun Rogers.

Teach's Prediction:

A family as stoic in their daily life as the AFC North doesn't change much from year to year. The Stillers will win the division again. Mike Tomlin appears to be the next long-tenured coach for Pittsburgh, and at his age, that means he could still be coaching the Stillers when my grandchildren start watching football, which will be awesome if his intense stare can be matched by his senility. Baltimore should finish second once more in the second year of the John Harbaugh era. The only uncertainty I see is who finishes last between Cincinnati and Cleveland. Both of these teams are riddled with questions of substance and frivolity. The one I most want answered is whether Braylon Edwards' use of 5-hour Energy is why he failed his physical for Cleveland.

Langston's Prediction:

When this family meets up on the holidays, it is a site to behold. The bickering starts well before they actually see each other, and every year it's the same discussion. The Steelers brag about how well Ben is doing in school and how he won the spelling bee, all while he was the starting pitcher for the little league all-star team. While the Raven clan answer with "Well our boy got straight B's, and he went to the semi's of the spelling bee. But got tripped up by 'Pennsylvania' leaving the second N out of the word." Then there is the Bengals and the Browns, who are struggling the most out of the four families. Cincy's son was suspended for fighting and bringing a knife to school. Much like Cincy's kid, Cleveland's will have to repeat. But for different reasons, their son missed most of the year due to mono.

Ben and his family are pretty excited about the school year, he was just put in to the magnet program and is expected to exceed. Baltimore's son Flacco has been put into the honor's courses, and should do okay as long as he finds someone to cheat off of other than Derrick Mason. The Bengals and Browns are nervous about the upcoming school year, as they should be. They don't know how their sons are going to react to being a year behind their cousins. And with the departure of their two favorite teachers, Mr. Houshmandzadeh and Mr. Winslow, passing will become that much harder.

AFC Championship Game Preview: Baltimore Ravens at the Pittsburgh Steelers

Next weekend, CBS will premier the film Step Brothers, starring Troy Polamalu and Ray Lewis.



The following plot synopsis comes courtesy of IMDB:

Ray Lewis and Troy Polamalu are both about 40 when Ray's mom and Troy's dad marry. The sons still live with the parents so they must now share a room. Initial antipathy threatens the household's peace and the parents' relationship. Dad lays down the law: both slackers have a week to reach the Super Bowl. Out of the Super Bowl search and their love of smash mouth football comes domestic disarray.  Can a champion come from such discord?

". . . it's shark week."

Baltimore Ravens #24

Team: Baltimore Ravens
Division: AFC North
Last Year's Record: 5-11
Head Coach: John Harbaugh
Offensive Coordinator: Cam Cameron
Defensive Coordinator: Rex Ryan

Schedule:
Sept. 7 Cincinnati (CBS) 1:00
Sept. 14 @ Houston (CBS) 4:15
Sept. 21 Cleveland (CBS) 4:15
Sept. 29 @ Pittsburgh (ESPN) 8:30
Oct. 5 Tennessee (CBS) 1:00
Oct. 12 @ Indianapolis (CBS) 1:00
Oct. 19 @ Miami (CBS) 1:00
Oct. 26 Oakland (CBS) 1:00
Nov. 2 @ Cleveland (CBS) 1:00
Nov. 9 Open Date
Nov. 16 @ N.Y. Giants (CBS) 1:00
Nov. 23 Philadelphia (Fox) 1:00
Nov. 30 @ Cincinnati (CBS) 1:00
Dec. 7 Washington (Fox) 1:00
Dec. 14 Pittsburgh (CBS) 1:00
Dec. 20 @ Dallas (NFL) 8:15
Dec. 28 Jacksonville (CBS) 1:00

Key Losses: Mike Flynn
Devard Darling
B.J. Sams
Musa Smith
Steve McNair
Mike Anderson

Key Additions: Brendan Ayanbadejo
Fabian Washington
Frank Walker

Offensive Breakdown: Much like the Bears in the NFC, the Ravens have a dominant defense but not much going for them offensively. There are definite question marks at the quarterback position, and the retirement of Jonathan Ogden leaves a gaping hole at LT. New coach John Harbaugh and new coordinator Cam Cameron look to put some points on the board to give the at-times spectacular defense a chance.


The team took Joe Flacco with the 18th pick in the first round, clearly in a move to have him be the future franchise signal-caller. He probably won't be ready to go in September, so its more than likely going to be Kyle Boller, with Ohio St. legend Troy Smith as the backup. I actually like Smith better, as he is a proven winner who showed signs of promise in the two games he started last year. Boller has a cannon, but the key will be showing that he can be consistent in leading a team and not throwing terrible interceptions.
Willis McGahee stayed healthy all season and put up 1,207 yards to go along with 7 TD's. He is an upper-echelon back who needs to be the focal point of the offense for the team to do anything. Second-year fullback Le'Ron McClain looked ok both as a blocker, and in the passing game. He needs to do more of the former than the latter to truly be effective and has the size at 260 pounds to do so.
The receiving core lacks a true burner, but has quality possession guys with Derrick Mason and the other Mark Clayton. Todd Heap is a top-5 tight end when healthy, but he had problems staying on the field last year, killing many a fantasy team in the process. Mason actually had 103 catches for 1087 yards, but receivers going into their 12th seasons don't exactly gain speed, so Clayton, and Demetrius Williams need to step up.
Losing Ogden will definitely hurt the O-Line, as he has been a beast and a mainstay on the line for 12 seasons. Former Maryland product Jared Gaither looks to step in and fill these gigantic shoes (I'm guessing he had big feet if he's fucking 6'9" 345 lbs, but I don't know the exact measurements). Chris Chester, Ben Grubbs, and Jason Brown are all young, but have played well and helped McGahee gain a lot of yards on the ground last season.

Defensive Breakdown: Again, like the Bears, this is clearly the strongest part of this team, and this unit will ultimately determine whether or not the Ravens are in the playoff hunt.

The Defensive Line will be strong once again, especially up the middle, with Kelly Gregg and Haloti Ngata. Former wrestler Gregg is a master at leverage and positioning, while Ngata is simply huge. The two combined for 121 tackles last year, which is huge coming from the DT position. Trevor Pryce has been an All-Pro in the past, but missed 11 games last season due to injury. He needs to come back strong and get to the quarterback, as the team was lacking in the sack department with him being out. Dwan Edwards looks to hold down the other DE spot.

Future hall of famer Ray Lewis is back for his 13th season, establishing himself as one of the best MLB's of all time in the process. He's clearly slowed down, but he makes up for it by being one of the game's smartest players in terms of always being in the right place. He always seems to come up big in the clutch as well, whether its an INT or a fumble recovery. Bart Scott, Terrell Suggs, and Jarrett Johnson also will be in the LB rotation. The team needs more production from Suggs, as he should be putting up double-digit sack numbers instead of the 5 he had last year. To get back to Ray Lewis, here's a memorable SNL animated skit which made me giggle. (Granted, I was an undergrad at the time, so chances are I was hammered when I viewed it.



The Ravens are strong top to bottom defensively, and the Defensive backfield is no different. Ed Reed is a consistent pro bowl performer, who like his counterpart from the U., seems to always be there to step up and make a big play defensively. He was among the league leaders in INT's with 7. SS Dewan Landry proved to be competent on the other side with 70.5 tackles. Corners Chris McAlister and Samari Rolle aren't so bad themselves, however Rolle has to prove he can come back from seizures from epilepsy, something you don't see on the injury report everyday. Fabian Washington comes in from Oakland and provides good depth and worthy stand-in if one of the others goes down.

Matt Stover is 40 years old, but kickers these can kick well into their 40's so don't expect him to slow down too much. (Imagine if Janikowski kicks into his 40's, this would be a medical phenomenon). He hit 27-32 last year, and comes through when he needs to. Sam Koch averaged a career-best 43.6 yards last year, while Yamon Figurs (I'm stealing that name for my first-born son)will handle the return duties. The Ravens ganked one of my Chicago favorites in Brendan Ayanbadejo, who is simply a demon on the coverage units, surely helping this unit.

Position Grades: QB (C-) Boller is by no means a sure thing, and Flacco is probably a year or two away. Don't be suprised if Troy Smith is starting by midseason.

RB: (B+):McGahee needs to run for 1200 plus yards to help control the clock in the low-scoring games that the team will have to win.

WR: (B-): I don't see Mason putting up those kind of numbers again, and the grade will be higher with Clayton and Williams contributing.

TE: (B+): The only question here is Heap's health. If he's there for 16 games, he will help the passing game and then some. Daniel Wilcox is a threat along the goaline.

OL: (C+): Losing Ogden will sting a bit, but the youngsters should get better.

DL: (B+): Gregg and Ngata can be dominant.

LB: (A-): This will be an A if Lewis doesn't slow down and Suggs plays like he is capable of.

DL: (B): Reed is one of the best safeties in the game, but McAlister and Rolle have to stay on the field. Tom Zbikowski can punch people in the face and play football well (Sorry I'm a Notre Dame homer so I had to give him a shoutout).

Special Teams: (B-) The only question is whether Yamon Brody, I mean Yamon Figurs (sorry I was daydreaming), can provide a steady return presence. I hate the fact that Ayanbadejo is no longer in Chicago.

Analysis: I would have to say that this team could win anywhere between 6-10 games, but that's about as high as I would go. There are too many age/injury question marks that in the highly competitive AFC, should hurt their chances.

Langston's analysis: The Ravens have a lot of good pieces, this teams success will be keyed by the team's QB play.

If the Ravens suck, look for more of this: