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LCBInsider: The Reason for Riggleman's Resignation

June 24, 2011


When the dust finally settled in the June haze of another humid District of Columbia baseball game, the hometown Washington Nationals not only were 2-1 winners over the visiting Seattle Mariners, but they were also a .500 ball club and winners of ten out of their last eleven ball games. Still, all this success wasn't enough for manager Jim Riggleman, whose Secretariat sized heart cringes at the thought of even one individual not getting what they deserve at the end of the day. Riggleman is a man who believes in hard work coming to fruition, and when hard work proves fruitless, it breaks his Progressive little heart, which is why Washington Nationals' mascot, Teddy Roosevelt, is the heart of Riggleman's resignation.

"I may have these chiseled biceps and look like a hard ass in these baseball pants and a hat that's too small for me," said Riggleman, his eyes brimming with tears, "but I'm all pudding on the inside, and watching that little guy, with his monocle and head that's too big to find a hat that fits, well, that gets to me." The buff manager then paused to gather himself.

"You see, I'm about wholesale change in America, from the bottom up, and if that guy doesn't have a chance, then I don't think any of us have a chance," he continued. "What kind of morals are our kids learning if Teddy Roosevelt, whose face is on a mountain somewhere, can't win a damn trivial contest. Kids everywhere are going to look at rigged events, like pro wrestling and elections, like they aren't even real if this sort of blasphemy continues. And that's why I'm leaving the organization."

When asked if he had spoken to ownership about whether Teddy Roosevelt could ever be picked to win the fourth inning race against three other mascot Presidents, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln, Riggleman responded, "I told them he's the only one I would respect on a baseball field. After all, he carried a big stick or some shit." And with that, Riggleman got too choked up on his own tears--well, that, or he swallowed a sunflower seed.

When LCB investigative reporter Russell Morris questioned Teddy Roosevelt about Riggleman's political stance, the big foam-headed mascot responded with this face:


He made the same face a few years ago when the President mascots faced a lawsuit from the Milwaukee Brewers' sausage mascots, displaying an inability to take matters seriously.

3 comments:

Britta-nica said...

If baseball won't stand up for TR, I don't know how kids are ever going to learn about conservationalism, progressive legislation, and tyrannical foreign policy? Our monumental and monetary heritage is certainly lacking in TR representation. These other presidents get coins and bills with their faces on them, and iconic monuments on the mall. What does TR get? The most tucked in and hidden face in a row of underwhelming mug shots on the side of a mountain in a state no one goes to anyway. It's a travesty.

June 24, 2011 at 10:54 AM
Teach said...

There is Teddy Roosevelt Island on the Potomac; he's got a statue there.

June 24, 2011 at 11:43 AM
Teach said...

But it is still tucked away.

June 24, 2011 at 11:44 AM

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